Tag: #depression

mental health · personal blog

Sorry, who am I?

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People always say that there are always different versions of yourself and that you grow with who you are. I have never given that much credence as I have always thought my core values would always be the same.

And they are, I guess. But in different ways. My main priority has always been my daughter, she is the reason I battle everyday and the reason I try not to get stuck in the depression mud, if you will. But as she has gotten older and more independent it’s a different kind of love and support that she needs and not so hands on anymore.

My other core value would be to treat people as you want to be treated, to me that always used to mean to be as nice to them as they are to you, the older I get the more I realise it just means be nice to everyone, you never know what others struggles are and it’s free to be kind. 

I feel like I have started a whole new journey and am becoming this whole new person I didn’t even know I was and it feels amazing. 

Until the illness creeps in, self doubt and self loathing are my worst traits and i have been told on many occasions, I am my own worst enemy. I talk myself in and then talk myself out of healthy choices, I tell myself all the ways I can fail and think about all of the people waiting for me to fail.

It’s a hard journey this mental health stuff, as soon as you feel like you have it figured out, it’s there to remind you that you don’t and if we want to be happy, genuinely happy, then we have to fight that little bit harder! 💜

Sent to me from a friend 😍
mental health · personal blog

My issue with meds…..

Anarchyandanxiety1 Comment

When you take medication the general rule is you take it for as long as you need it. Pain stops then stop taking the meds, injury healed stop taking the meds but mental health doesn’t work like that.

I’ve struggled with the idea of taking regular medication for my mental health, not that I don’t think I need it I know I do but its the dependency that scares me. And personally I know of two reasons for my issues.

The first was my drug issue in my teens, the only reason I stopped taking them wasn’t the blackouts or three day hangovers, the money issue and having no where really to live it was falling pregnant, I’ve said it before and I will say it again my daughter saved my life!

And the other is watching my mum’s mental health issues growing up, she had a very different idea of medication to me and took anything and everything they gave her and when one stopped working she went back for stronger and more heavy shit. It wasn’t until I was in my teens and could understand what she was taking (and helped myself on a few occasions) I realised she spent most of my childhood spaced the fuck out!

Everyone deals with their own shit differently but at some point as an adult with children watching you have to take responsibility for your actions so now that’s what I’m doing, for this at least. I’ve always taken meds, felt better and then stopped because I have told myself I don’t need them anymore, I’m fine but the truth is I’m fine because I’m on my meds. It’s not an addiction that requires rehab, it doesn’t make me a junkie anymore than smoking a cigarette does. If I had a problem with my heart and needed tablets I would take them so why is there so much issue around taking them for my head!?

Me and my therapist love running round in these circles in my head!! 🤣
I understand there are more underlying aspects at work here and that it’s going to take more than a few sessions to figure out why I am the way I am and do the things I do but I’m trying really hard to be responsible for me, for my actions and my choices and maybe that will help me understand and figure out what I want and who I am. When you feel like you’ve spent your entire life for other people yet feel selfish and guilty at the same time it’s really hard to understand who you are when it’s just you in the dark.

Anyone else have struggles with meds? If you’re struggling then reach out to anyone, professional or just a friend. A problem shared is a problem halved or so they say…… Blessed be ☮️

Today’s mantra! 💜
mental health · personal blog

An old poem I wrote.

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Sometimes things can seem so bleak, no matter where we turn. We look to other peoples smiles, to feel what we all yearn.

But if we look into ourselves & can’t see what we like, then how can we expect delight through someone else’s eyes? This world is full of twists & turns that no one can foresee, but one thing that we all should learn is how to love just me.

The people that you keep close, can tear your world apart, you have to learn who not to trust & who is true of heart.

So don’t look back & hold your head high, just look to you & smile through as karma is by your side.

If you need help, reach for it.
mental health · personal blog

An old poem I wrote.

AnarchyandanxietyLeave a comment

Sometimes things can seem so bleak, no matter where we turn. We look to other peoples smiles, to feel what we all yearn.

But if we look into ourselves & can’t see what we like, then how can we expect delight through someone else’s eyes? This world is full of twists & turns that no one can foresee, but one thing that we all should learn is how to love just me.

The people that you keep close, can tear your world apart, you have to learn who not to trust & who is true of heart.

So don’t look back & hold your head high, just look to you & smile through as karma is by your side.

If you need help, reach for it.
mental health · personal blog

Its now or never.

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When I first read the below meme I felt attacked, then as I read it again I felt guilty, after the third time I think the reality of the word’s had finally sunk in. I have all the ingredients and all the time in the world to bake my cake, so why is it not cooking?

I have discovered in my therapy and self discovery (otherwise known as isolation/withdrawal with self help books, blogs and hours of TV binging.) that not only am I my own worst enemy but I am also a procrastinating perfectionist. I don’t want to start unless I can do it properly, because you know, if you’re going to do it then do it correctly, but I also know that anything I do when I feel like this will not be to the best of my ability. So I procrastinate until I can do it correctly but who knows when that will be? not me!

I have also noticed this very inconvenient thing with my medication. It helps my mood day to day, it helps me be more productive and positive but it really seems to stop my creativity, I don’t want to write because I am unsure of what to write and I don’t want to draw because I am aware I draw with the capability of a three year old, meditating on them is a struggle too.

I had a problem with popping pills in my teen years, they were always my drug of choice and I took them way to much and the only thing that stopped me taking them was getting pregnant. I don’t want to go down that road again, even if these ones are prescribed for my illness I don’t want to feel reliant on popping a pill to get up in the morning…. again.

So how do I move on from here? I take control.

I know things that don’t work for me, I know that the more I stop and be lazy the lower my mood is, I know that feeling productive makes me sleep better at night and I know that meditation and yoga works for me so I need to use the cliché of the new year and start as I mean to go on. I brought in the new year meditating at my alter and read myself a tarot card spread for what to expect and it told me, like it does regularly that I just need to get out of my own way and try.

There are some things out of my control like getting my driving licence, I cant take the test until there is availability to take it. Moving house, I cant do that until I have my driving licence, I do have things ready for when the world is ready, my car is up and running and all legal and I’m driving as much as I possibly can to practice so that side of things is out of my hands.

But things that are in my control are what I need to focus on, Writing the book I have talked about my entire life, I have the basic premise and characters I just need to write it out in a first draft. I have snips of chapters and little bits but 2022 is the year the first draft is done! Complete the 2 Diplomas I currently have started but not finished, one is Archaeology because as sad as it sounds it has always fascinated me and the other is a blogging one so I might be able to give you some better content and understand this whole blogging thing properly as at the moment is kind of just a rant of words from me. Making the home that I am in appealing to other people and not just me so when I do get to try and push the move my house is ready and looking good for whoever might want to swap with me and finally working my little butt of to save as much money as I can because I’m tired of being poor, its my terrible spending habits and wasteful nature, it needs to change and I’m the only one capable of doing this.

So in conclusion of todays rant to the world, I will take control of the small things I am capable of and hope the big things fall into place when the universe deems it time. I will not stifle my creativity and write chapters in my diary if the mood strikes and focus on making my body healthy and happy. I hope anyone reading this can send me a kick up the butt and I will oblige with the same if you need it, Blessed be!

Go and bake your cake!
mental health · personal blog

Sorry I’ve been missing.

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I haven’t updated my blog in a very long time, I would like to say it is because I have been getting my life together or focusing on my family but the truth of it is I just don’t feel anyone wants to hear my moaning and that’s all I have been doing.

The frustrating thing is I only have myself to blame, I know what I should be doing but I just can’t get into it. For every day I feel motivated and in control it follows with three days of  moping and sleeping.

I have been speaking to a Dr and have changed my medication so I have put it down to balancing  my levels out again but it just feels like an excuse. I don’t understand how braking bad habits and routines can be so difficult! it is like a part of me just won’t let go, it’s always been there and even though I know it’s unhealthy it’s also familiar and for someone who struggles with abandonment it’s so hard to release the familiar!!

I have managed to accomplish some things the last few months, I have my car on the road and my test in a few weeks. I have celebrated the 16th birthday of the beautiful human I grew from scratch! So I should focus on the positive and be grateful and appreciative of what I do have and what I have succeeded in, I have time for all the rest.

So for today I am asking for positive energy and reassurance that we are capable of living and making decisions even while carrying around depression and anxiety every day! For waking up everyday just to deal with the demons we have fought all night is strength in itself! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Trying to be patient is hard.

Anarchyandanxiety2 Comments

It’s been a real tough few months for me, for no particular reason other than things aren’t progressing as quickly as I want them too and I’ve not been able to get back in my healthy routine, but I have really struggled.

I have done my usual bad coping mechanisms and retreated inside of myself and not wanted to be around anyone or do anything, instead of using my tools from therapy and taken steps to feel better I’ve let myself slip.

It is good that I can recognize my unhealthy pattern but makes me feel so much more worthless knowing I can’t use it as well to help myself out, so I reached out to my Dr and therapist again. I need help and I beg anyone else who is feeling low or lost to do the same. If you can’t reach them there are many online people to talk to in a crisis and I will add some links at the bottom.

Reaching out means getting stronger, it means stepping forward. As they say a problem shared is a problem halved. I know what I need to do and now it’s just a case.of being patient with myself and patient with the world and have faith it will all work out in the end. Blessed be 💜

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/online-mental-health/online-mental-health-tools/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/getting-help

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

mental health · personal blog

Depression tips 💜

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I have taken this from a friend on Facebook, I didn’t write it but it has some very good techniques.

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Poundshop lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes.

Put on your favorite underwear. Those ridiculous boxers you were bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on? Put them on. Cute black lacy jobs? What ever. you know.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use a chunk of lime.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s basic. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, colour a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. 

*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that.

Find something to be grateful for!

I am trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.
#SuicideAwareness
#HaveARealConversation

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What could the future hold?

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I was once told by a palm reader that i would live to a very old age and I can’t decide if that is a good or bad thing. Will I still have my mind to the end? Will my body betray me long before? Will I spend my last few years alone in a care home or as a burden to my only child?

I know, pretty heavy for a Monday morning! We recently had to move my grandad from the home he has been in due to miss treatment, I’m not going into detail as its not my story but I wanted to say my piece. He has been there for many years and we had always been under the impression all was well, he had his bad days and good days but who doesn’t? I don’t have anything to do with the care of my grandad as I have my dad and wonderful aunts and uncles who do that for him but hearing about him being mistreated is devastating to us all.

It has also made me think, I know that we all want what’s best for him, we would all help where we can and my family has always rallied around when he needs us but this still happened. So what about all the people who don’t have a family either due to their own doings or someone else’s or because they didn’t have any to begin with. who cares about these people?

When I think of people as a collective my optimistic brain automatically thinks we will all come together and solve the problem for all, but that is not how the population works at the moment, there is no community unless you go looking for it and even then how do you know what is a community with good intentions and a cult heading for crazy town? Where do you find the place you are supposed to be? I am as much to blame as the next person for this because I am guilty of claiming to hate people in general on more than one occasion, the idea of big crowds or lots of people knowing my name is a bit strange. Yet in the same breath I can talk about wanting to be there for people and hear all the wonderful stories they have to tell, paths they have taken and relationships formed.

All I can do is try my best to be a good person, to not judge and remember everyone has their own stories, their own paths to follow and to listen and learn from what each person can teach me. I’m sure one day I will find my community where I fit in but for now I will just appreciate my family for all the strange, crazy and wonderful people they are and some extra special love for my husband on our Anniversary, 7 years of marriage to me deserves a pat on the back!! Blessed be.

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Being my own boss, emotionally.

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There are many outside influences that can effect your mental health, for me it is having to much on my plate and not being able to give one thing my full attention or being to impatient, I expect to see results immediately sometimes and that is just not realistic. The weather also plays a big part in my mental health, the sunshine sincerely makes everything better!

Knowing your triggers and the things that can help you focus are good but sometimes you cant even muster the motivation to do these things, so you sit and think about all the ways to make yourself feel better, to help you focus all while sat on your arse doing nothing… just me? The master of procrastination.

I have so many ideas floating around in my head but none of them actually come to fruition, what’s wrong with me?

I will be spending today trying to focus on my diploma, trying to do something productive so I don’t feel like a failure again. I have been trying to sort out finding and moving house, I have also started my driving lessons and booked my test for December so fingers crossed it all falls into place and by Christmas I have a moving date and a car! its just finding the patience to wait until then! The main goal it so tick one thing of the lists every month, no rush as my plans are not happening just yet so I have time to figure out the best working plan for me. I need to update the vision board I think!

I hope that you manage to get something productive done today too if that’s what you feel you need, if not its Saturday so take it easy! I will leave you with a little hack I found online in meme form that I’m intending on using today to boost my mood! Blessed Be.

mental health · personal blog

Birthday week!!

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Having family that lives miles away can really suck sometimes, we can talk and facetime but it’s not the same as a real hug.

Being able to plan a few days away to see them all and spend time with them is awesome but when that falls on my birthday weekend it’s going to be carnage!!

There will be lots of laughs and lots of drinks, plenty of catch ups and probably a few tears but I am so excited!

I haven’t managed to stick to the healthy routine this week but I have got up everyday and done what has been needed and not felt like I have a black cloud over my head, probably because I have some thing to look forward to.

Back to normal next week with the diploma’s and meditation but for now I’m just enjoying the excitement bubbling all around! Blessed be 💜

knowledge · mental health · personal blog

Looking fresh!

Anarchyandanxiety5 Comments

Not me, the blog! I have changed the themes and colours, added some bits and removed some others. That’s the beauty of writing a personal blog, full creative control!

I always find these random places I want to visit or go too, a picture or story I find on the web which leads to a quick Google search and half an hour later I’m reading about myths and legends from centuries ago.

I have added a new page about my visit to Hever Castle last year and I really want to try and do some more about the places I visit and walks I go on. I love the history of my surroundings and enjoy learning new things.

I’m hoping I can become an amateur archaeologists one day, writing to make money and living in a van. It’s a dream! But for now I’m just soaking up as much information as is available and looking forward to my next new adventure! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling stuck.

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I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.

I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.

My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?

It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

So, I did a thing!

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If you haven’t noticed by now I like to change my mind a lot, I like to learn a lot and I like to give myself unrealistic expectations.

So with that I enrolled in an archaeology diploma! I’ve already completed two assesments with a pass mark of 100% and I’m so excited for the rest. I understand this does nothing for my career prospects but for my confidence and learning capacity it’s great!!

There are several other courses I have put on my wishlist that could help with making money so they will be the next step.

I’m still trying to move home although getting to the area I want is proving very difficult, I may have to broaden the search and hope for the best. The driving license isn’t any closer either every time I save up something happens and I need to spend the money, I’m still hoping on the lottery win.

I have plans, big plans that I want to do but wether or not I get there is down to me, I need to put the work in and I need to stop just saying these things but actually doing them! To the first step if many! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling exhausted.

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I’m exhausted, not because I haven’t slept properly just because I feel like Im being drained.

I’m exhausted of constantly battling the thoughts in my head, I’m exhausted of trying to be positive and grateful when every part of my being just wants to crawl in a dark space and hide. I’m exhausted of overthinking every decision I make so I just don’t do anything, if it doesn’t get started I can’t fuck it up.

I have kept to my routine as much as physically possible this week, I have made myself move, talk and walk yet this cloud will not go away. I can’t go to the dark place of hiding and not moving because will I ever move again?

I am asking for any positivity and energy that can be sent my way, I have my crystals and will meditate for five mins every time I feel myself fall today. Blessed be 💜

All else fails, hug a tree!
mental health · personal blog

Feeling like I have let myself down.

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The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.

You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.

It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be 💜

I made it, I’m still here.
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The sneaky panic attack.

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My panic attacks have become few and far between lately, I put it down to a clear routine that I work towards, daily meditation and exercise in the morning. But, after all of that, I still found myself sitting at the end of my bed Friday morning trying desperately to breath my way out of one.

I had my smear test booked and I know it’s very overdue, the results were not great last time and the voice in the back of my head keeps telling me I’ve left it too long. I keep telling myself that it’s just my depression talking but I also know there is a grain of truth to it.

I think I had worked myself up to the panic attack over thinking every situation in my head always ending with worse case scenario. Moral of the story, don’t overthink everything and go to appointments when they are initially booked, health is not something to be procrastinated.

So now I just try to stick to my routine, wait for the results and hope that everything will be ok. Blessed be 💜

Every little step is still a move forward and I’m proud of you 🥰
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Where do I start!

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Now I have decided what I want to do and where to go from here it feels like the more I read and research the more confused I become….

Opening a business and agreeing to the whole wide world judging you and having an opinion on your lifestyle is a big step! Can I even do it!?

Trying to be successful with a mental health issues is like trying to fill a bucket with holes drilled into the sides, at least that is how I feel right now. Opinions and doubts coming from all directions and just one really, my brain! I am my own worst enemy, the master of procrastination, able to talk myself out of any decisions I make.

It’s time to stop talking and actually start doing something. Please send some positive motivation my way if you have some spare, I need everything I can get! But for now I have my crystals, my cards and my determination to be better than yesterday. Blessed be 💜

Today’s mantra 🧘
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Springs first BBQ.

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Yesterday was a very good day. I woke up feeling a bit shit but knew I had invited over my dad for an Easter BBQ, I had already braved the shopping and the fridge and freezer was fully stocked so it was just prep and cooking to tackle.

I had a shower and envisioned all my bad mood just flowing away with the water, I wore my crystals and out on a full face of make up which made me feel pretty.

Once I got in the flow I was cool, a drink in my hand and hidden by the smoke of the BBQ making sure everyone is well fed, my dad made a comment about me being at home there which I guess I do, but to do it as a job again….. Far to stressful!

It was a great day, the drinks and conversation was flowing, the sun was shining all day which was amazing and everyone was full and happy, I gave thanks and gratitude before I went to bed as I felt blessed, I now pass some of that on to all who need it. Blessed be 💜

Trusting my intuition.
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Trusting my intuition.

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I have been reading a lot about Tarot cards and having the ability to read them. I have always felt a draw to the cards and thought I would attempt to give it a go, I have always believed I had a great intuition when my anxiety wasn’t in control as it is always telling me abort whatever I was doing. Apparently, my grandmother on my father’s side had the ability to see things before they happened, she had the sixth sense if you will and it has made me even more determined to understand the cards.

I started Practicing on myself first of course, reading my own cards in the morning and just asking them what today had in store, then I progressed to asking questions to the cards with surprising results. I’m not saying they had the ability to tell me my day in detail, but they did ring true with some deeper things I wasn’t prepared to share. It has only been recently I have read cards for other people; I make it clear I am just a beginner and only read people I know, but again my intuitions have been said to ring true and the more I open myself up to the cards the deeper I fell I understand them. I am by no means a clairvoyance, but I am just trying to trust my intuition and find the talents I have for the Spiritual world.

It is a learning curve for sure but something I really want to be good with, I have learnt a few spells to bind my cards to me and have given a few cards I pulled for family and friends in gift boxes. My sister bought me a beautiful cat box inscribed with protection runes that I keep my cards in to ensure no outside negative influence. For now I will just read the people around me and see what things I pick up on for each read, its the only way to get better. I hope that anyone reading this gets a good piece of news today, a little snippet of information to make you smile, Blessed be.

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Learning to grow.

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I have spoken a few times on here about wanting a side hustle, to be able to make money from what I love doing but every time I try to move forward another bill lands on the mat and I realize all over again I need a 9-5 to survive.

So I have come up with an idea, I’m not sure if it will work or be of any interest but it’s the first time I’ve felt I could be on the right track. I have my favourite tattoo on my back that I’m going to turn into an awesome logo with anarchy and anxiety and see what I can print it on and sell. I have been sending my short stories to all sorts of people hoping I could get some work from that too. I just need a chance or an idea to be able to work my butt off and prove I have what it takes.

My blog is growing day by day, more interaction, positive feedback and new people reading from all over the world. This is what makes me happy and this is what I want to be doing so if anyone has any tips and tricks to help me push myself to the next level please let me know! Blessed be. 💜

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Research and understanding.

Anarchyandanxiety1 Comment

I had my first bad comment today, it was on social media so it doesn’t really count but for about five seconds it really knocked me back. Until I realised its just someone who has nothing better to do with their time than mock others, not the audience I was hoping for but at least people are reading It I guess…..

I have been reading a lot of different books and researching a lot on the internet about what it means to be Pagan. No two books have the exact same interpretation of Paganism because everyone has their own way of interpreting faith and life. Ultimately the idea is to respect all living creatures and mother earth, to have faith in the gods and/or goddess whichever path you chose, I believe that is what has drawn me so much towards this faith.

I have always claimed that nature is my church and that is always where I have felt the most magical and peaceful, the flowing rivers and the blowing tree’s, the little creatures all just carrying on about their day. I have always been interested in history and always fascinated by the cunning woman or the old lady who everyone would go to cure their illnesses. knowing that nature will always have a cure in some form or another. now don’t get me wrong I’m not about to give up my prescribed medication but the idea I could grow and make things that just might make things a little better, plus there is always the placebo effect. If I tell myself then I will succeed, like my therapist said you can’t get rid of the bad thoughts coming into your head, but you can control how you react to them. I know it’s so corny, but it works if you do it enough. so, is that what they mean by magic? I know obviously Harry Potter isn’t real, but the old cunning lady could be… I’m investigating as the meditation has already done wonders for me.

For today I am just trying to be grateful for all that I have, to ask for clarity with the new full moon and to keep the motivation I feel right now for all the projects I have in the works. Blessed Be.

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Finding my strength

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As every day seems to go by I seem to be finding a little bit more of myself, finding a bit more strength and motivation. I have found joy in the simple things and a sense of purpose and productivity in completing tasks I have set myself.

I have started the re decoration of my home, starting outside where it bothers me the most. I hate the cheap council front door I have and the mismatched stones and tiles they used to build the steps up to my house so I have given it all a new lick of paint. I think it looks fresh and a like the people who live here actually give a shit about the house.

I haven’t finished it yet, I need to muster the courage to bring the ladder round and paint the top part that hangs over my front door to match the steps and figure out how to get the pretty lights I bought wrapped around the poles and plugged in safely. I know how it should look in my mind I just hope the finished product looks the same or at least similar.

I am due to pick my new bathroom soon too, I can not express my excitement enough for a bath! I shall have crystals and bath bombs, candles and bubbles and it will be amazing! I still haven’t decided what colours I want and if I’m going to keep it the same as the toilet is now as they match at the moment or do something completely different. Decisions.

I hope everyone reading this had a sense of happiness or fulfilment today maybe felt productive or just enjoyed the day, I send you all positive vibes! Blessed be.

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Same shit different day

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I tend to not write on days there isn’t much going on but I’m going to change that. Half of the mental health battle is just being a functioning human being on a day to day basis. When you have days that you can get up and ready, can leave the house and do the things you had planned they should be celebrated as a win and not palmed off as “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”

I haven’t done anything special today, I got up and ready, I’ve come to work and I will go home and feed everyone. That is my daily routine to make sure the house doesn’t fall down and to make sure everyone is happy and fed. I have a list of tasks I need to do that I have been avoiding for a while but I finally feel I have the strength to tackle them, even if some require me talking on the phone!

Even when it feels like same shit different day everyday, you need to take all the small wins you can. Blessed be 💜

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Making a change.

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I feel like I have been waiting for things to fall into place before I can start what I really want to do and all that is doing is delaying the inevitable.

I want to be successful at writing but in order to do this i need to write, setting my first task as a novel is probably a bit big so I need to start small. My blog is where I put my feelings about mental health but I’m thinking of expanding it.

I have my meme page and my about me page but I’m thinking of a short story page, where I can put the things I like to write about, small snippets of the book I have planned and short stories I have written. It would be good practice to take time when I can to write about anything.

Could I sell things on my page too? Like positivity boxes filled with goodies to keep you happy or maybe tarot readings? I’m not the best as I’m still learning but have had some good readings before. I also make beautiful spell candles for all sorts of moods, love, positivity, abundance and health. I usually gift them to family and friends but I could make them to sell.

I guess the point I’m asking the universe is this the right idea? I want to be able to make money from what I love and what I love is not working 9-5 and living miles from the ocean, not having the freedom to go wherever you want or the means to be able to get a license or car to do so. I have made many changes to be the person I want to be but I feel there is still so many more to come. Blessed be. 💜

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Top tips for a panic attack.

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These are the best ways I find to calm myself out of a panic attack, I hope you can use any of these to make yourself deal better with anxiety.

Grounding.

I find grounding helps if I am at home and sitting still isn’t helping me calm down. Take off your shoes and socks and go outside to find some grass, stand and wiggle your toes within the grass. Feel how it feels, wet and cold or soft and warm and imagine roots growing from your feet, solid but winding down into the earth, grounding you and connecting you, try to meditate there for a while.

Senses game.

This tactic helps me a lot when I am out in public and I’m trying not to draw attention to myself. Name 5 things you can see, name 4 things you can hear, name three things you can touch, name two things you can smell and lastly one thing you can taste. I find once I have though about all the things to name my heart beats at a better rate and I can control my breathing a lot better.

Breath work.

I usually use this method after i have used one of the other ones but if you can feel a panic attack coming and want to try and stop it I find this one can be beneficial as long as you spot the signs early enough. It’s a simple as counting your breath like you do when you meditate, count too 2 breathing in then count too 3 as you breath out. You can change the times to suit your breath but the breath out should always be a bit longer than a breath in, regulating your breathing can also help with the feeling of losing control so a good tactic to have up your sleeve.

There are many different ways to help yourself get through a panic attack but I have found these ways work best for me and I hope they help you out next time you feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Blessed be 💜

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If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything.

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I haven’t posted for a while, I have written a few blog posts but haven’t published them.

I was reacting to a situation I have no control over, in fact I was ranting and although it is good to vent your frustrations, publishing them might not be best.

The conclusion I have come to over the last few weeks are simple when I think about them, I have no mother anymore.

I have tried forgiving and forgetting to no avail, I have successfully managed to remove myself from her but unfortunately my dad is still stuck there meaning I hear everything that goes on. All the manipulation and heartache, all the lies and ranting and how she gets such satisfaction out of hurting people so deeply but mostly just her self entitlement. For someone who spent her life putting others down she surely has a high opinion of herself!!

It is really hard not to react to the shit that spews out if her mouth when I can feel my blood boil, when she can believe her own lies so unwavering and gets a pure joy out of bringing others down.

As soon as the divorce is done and we have got my dad away she is going to die a very lonely, bitter old woman. I used to feel bad about that, slightly guilty that she will be alone but everyday she proves to me exactly why she deserves this. I have no responsibility to that woman and I look forward to the day I can tell her to her face.

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Morning person.

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I have never been a morning person, people who know me well just let me sleep because I am the grumpiest person to wake up but I have been trying to solve that.

My new morning routine has me awake a lot earlier than normal but it means I have time now to do ten minutes of yoga to wake me up and a five minute meditation before I leave and it makes me feel so positive every morning.

I need to find a nice balance for the weekend now, I’m still sleeping into ten and have no motivation but that needs to change. I need to be out in nature more and I need to help my daughter navigate her mental health through this new lockdown. How do you help someone find a hobby that really does not want one!?

I am taking my weekday morning routine as a win, a new healthy pattern I have set for myself now I just need to make sure everyone around me is ok too. Blessed be 💜

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Knowing and doing.

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Knowing and doing are two very different things. Take now for instance, I know I should be doing something, anything really to help shake the cloud I have felt over me the last few weeks but instead I am wallowing, why? I don’t know.

I should be meditating or doing some yoga to release the tension I have building yet I’m sat at my computer telling you all what I should be doing, all with the perfect excuse not too.

Clever!

Detrimental…..

some days it is easier to make my self follow the right patterns, knowing what needs to be done and doing it and then there are days like today where i just want to sleep, to hide and not feel anything. These are the days I need to force myself but I don’t have the energy, the willpower or to be completely honest the want to do it.

I tell myself I am allowed bad days and I am, the adjusting to full time work again and needing to re-evaluate everything is a big deal, I have set some large goals I want to achieve this year but cant do that sat on my backside worried about things I’m capable of fixing. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I cant help it one small slip can feel like the slide back down to the dark.

So today I look for tomorrow, I look for a purpose to keep me moving and grateful for all that I have, I look for energy and guidance and hope that giving myself today is what is needed. Blessed be.

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A Covid Christmas.

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So Christmas this year wasn’t anything like how it was planned. I received and email from my daughters school two days before Christmas that she had been exposed to Covid 19 and now had to isolate for 10 days. I thought if we managed to get her a test and it was negative we could still celebrate as normal but on Christmas eve I received the positive result back for her, Christmas was cancelled.

We are very lucky to have such amazing families that helped us save the day, food and presents were brought and dropped in the garden, alcohol was purchased and in the end it was a lovely day spent together at home cooking, playing games and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

its known that Christmas is not my favourite time of year and I always struggle around January time with the lack of money and the massive build up to Christmas that’s over in a day. I cleared the house of all decorations and did a deep clean the day after boxing day as that always helps my mental health but I have really had to talk to myself the last few days. the incarceration (as it feels right now) is driving us all mad and I would give anything for a walk in the woods about now, the having to make myself do things and not just sit around the house in my PJs although there is a lot of that too.

My beautiful tree was knocked down in the wind the other day too, I tried to make it healthier and better but it didn’t work, I now need it removed but am trying to make as many things and use as much of it as I can in memory, my garden will look so bare with no tree. I’ve cleaned and cleared as much stuff as I can, I have sorted my alter and added the bits I received for Christmas, it always makes me happy meditating by my alter.

Focus is on the mental health and trying to decipher what I’m actually feeling and what is my illness right now, setting new goals I want to achieve but putting them in little easy to manage steps, that’s why I like my vision board, the board for the bigger picture and then my lists, the lists of all the small things I need to achieve the big things. From the outside I must look organized but spend five minutes in my head and you will realise its all a lie! Blessed Be.

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Novelty has worn off.

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Today is the last day of my first full week back to work. I have been a bit quiet recently trying to prepare myself to go back full time, I really liked my three day work week routine.

It has been hard, a lot harder than two days of work I’m completely capable of should be. I have struggled to stay motivated and be positive, I have been trying by using my crystals and saying my affirmations although I haven’t been meditating as much as I should be and that’s a bit disappointing.

I am lucky that my workplace is somewhere I feel safe and am allowed to express myself so I’m not really understanding the struggle. I’m sure once I get back into the swing of my new routine I will be fine but until then I have oils and crystals to keep me going. Blessed be 💜

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Smiling brightly!

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I have many reasons to smile at the moment, a roof over my head and food in the fridge, a family I love and job that needs me but I have always had one big problem with my confidence. My smile.

I have extremely bad teeth, it’s embarrassing to admit to the big wide world but they are awful and really knock my confidence when it comes to smiling and talking. My dentist says I have mastered using my lips to cover my teeth when talking so I guess I’m good at that 🤷

The reason I am telling you all this is because I made a rather large purchase for me this week and it’s exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I bought some clip on veneers and not the cheap ones. I’m hoping and praying they are everything I want them to be, that they help my confidence and take the last part of me I truly dislike away, at least in public.

We will see how they turn out I guess in a few weeks, I completed the impressions earlier today and hopefully will send them off soon. It’s a lot of money to spend just on me and it’s hard not to feel selfish in the grand scheme of things but the alternative was alot more and it’s something I have struggled with for a while. Blessed be! 💜

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Where do I fit in?

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Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.


As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key.
When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.

Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason.
I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.

At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered.
My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.

Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜

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Back to normal… For lockdown 2.0

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I was so excited to go back to work this week, back to my desk and normality. Having a reason to get up and dressed and use some brain function, felt amazing!

But then lockdown happened again, there has been a confirmed case of covid at my daughter’s school, not her year or her “bubble” but you know it won’t be long and then we all have to quarantine.

For now I am just trying to stay positive, wash our hands and all have sanitizer, only leave the house if we absolutely have too and show as much love and compassion to anyone who needs it. There are tough times all around so please remember to be kind.

I will continue to be a normal productive member of society until I am told to stay home indefinitely, enjoying the small bit of normality I can before it crashes down again for Christmas. Blessed be 💜

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Bitten in the butt!

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I had a wonderful epiphany the other day, I want a room outside where I can sit in the dry, where my teenager can chill with her friends that’s not in my house so I bought a gazebo! Genius.

Not so much, you live in England! I have this thing tied down in every corner, I have it tied to my house and the fence yet the poles keep popping out. The wind sounds like it’s going to take the whole thing away and the sides have ripped where they should be tied. Not so genius!

I am due to go back to work this week so have been sorting the house out ready for winter just incase I don’t have time later on. I completely gutted the garden so it looked fresh during winter and didn’t make me sad, hence the wonderful gazebo idea. The house is all clean and tidy, and my mind feels clear with it ready to re-enter society.

I shall try not to be sad about my bad idea, we all have them and as long as we use them as a lesson then it was all for a reason, no matter how frustrating. Now to try and take this thing down. Wish me luck. Blessed be 💜

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Full moon energy.

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I feel very mixed emotions and energies today, I’ve put it down to the full moon but I can’t be certain that’s all it is.

I start second guessing and overthinking. I feel so sad and angry with no valid reason why. I feel I want to socialize and isolate all at the same time. I really want to put on four layers of clothes and go walking in the rain but can’t be bothered to explain why I want to do it alone.

So many awful things have happened in my town this week too that it honestly doesn’t feel safe walking alone in the dark, especially through wooded areas! Community isn’t an option anymore for someone trying to find their way either as apparently a second lockdown is imminent.

I spent today cleaning and cleansing my crystals so I can charge them under the blue moon on Halloween, trying to clear my mind and shake this feeling but it’s proving impossible. I would give my right arm for a bath this evening but with only a wet room a shower is my only option.

I’m going to meditate for a bit and cleanse myself in the shower hoping the moon can charge me too! Blessed be 💜

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Feeling positive about moving forward.

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I have been away restoring my mental health the last few weeks. It seems to be a system I need to work through every few months. Self care and reassuring myself I am on the right path. Every time I wobble I get a reminder that I am not in this alone. A sign to say I am supported.

I have been one of the very lucky ones during this pandemic only losing my job last month, but was hired again this week! Back to where I feel safe, back to where I can work and know the people around me know me, understand me and I don’t have to go back to square one exposing myself all over again.

It sounds bad but my cards have always told me not to worry so I didn’t, even when I thought it had all gone wrong I was secretly confident it would all work out.

I have been reading my cards and saying my affirmations every morning, thanking my guides and showing appreciation for all I have. I will be setting my crystal grids today and meditating on them for positive vibes and motivation, sending it out to all who need it. In dark days all it takes sometimes is a ear to listen and healthy vibrations to feel so I am trying my hardest to send them out to you all, you are amazing! Blessed be 💜

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Alone time.

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I was worried when everyone went back to work that I would be lonely, that having no one with me all day was going to be bad for my mental health but I forgot how much I did love being alone.

Peace and quiet to do as I please, want to read a book with no interruptions, go ahead! Want to bake lots of goodies and feel fat? Do that too! Want a nap in the afternoon after a walk in the woods? Why not! Just me and my spirit guides chilling.

It’s nice when everyone gets home too, I miss them and want to hear all about their days, I want to make dinner and listen to all the stories. It’s going to be so different when I go back to work.

I still don’t know what’s going on with work for me, applying for lots of different jobs and trying to get back to normality even if I really don’t want too. I must remember all I have learnt about self care and managing my anxiety for when I enter society again.

Sending love and light to all who need it, requesting motivation and energy to all who can spare it. Blessed be 💜

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Night time energy….

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I love it when I get a burst of energy, I don’t love it so much when it comes at 9pm. I want to clean and tidy, I want to sort and organized and everyone else wants to chill out.

When I have these burst of energy during the day I know by evening the whole house will smell and look amazing, I’m always concerned it just means I will be awake all night when it arrives late.

I’m not sure what to do at this time to use my energy that doesn’t involve me being awake at midnight. I can’t sit still to read a book or meditate I could paint or draw I guess but that still involves sitting still. Can I justify sorting out all the towels and bed sheets etc….

I will start small and hope I’m not still pottering around at 1am. If anyone has any craft ideas feel free to send me some links! Blessed be 💜

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Coming or going? Who knows!

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I have two moods at the moment and switching between the two is getting exhausting. Happy me is cool, she gets shit done and meditates, she talks to people and is positive! Moody me is draining, always bored and tired, never has any motivation to rectify this situation and expects everyone else to it all for her but without her having to communicate a thing!

I can start the day one way and end the other but trying to purposefully change them, impossible! I have to remind myself to catch my negative thoughts, I’m constantly analysing every word that flows through my brain to the point I can’t tell what’s right and what’s made up.

This is where therapy and self care come into saving me from my mental health, being my escape from my own brain. Meditation is best for this but it’s not always possible to get into the right mind set, you have to think of it as training. It’s a muscle you need to make strong to be able to use it to it’s best potential so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to figure it out, I’m still learning every time.

If you are struggling then take some time out for yourself, tell yourself you need to time to recharge. Take a hot bath or read a book or article you have been wanting too. Go for a walk to somewhere you have never been before or your favourite spot, just be in nature for a while. There are so many ways that you can self care just find the ones you enjoy and take time to really enjoy them, savour them and in your times of need, revisit them.

Thank you for reading more of my ramblings, if I struggle to figure myself out I do wonder what you all must think? Today I send you all love and light, positive energy and acceptance. Whoever you are and wherever you are, love yourself! Blessed be 💜

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Never to old.

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I have been struggling with the concept of starting all over again in my 30s the last few weeks, being made redundant has made me rethink all the decisions I have made. I have a few qualifications in a few different things but I have never found the place where I have felt at home, am I searching for a concept that doesn’t exist? I have heard from varied people that the key to life is being able to be payed for what you love.

Unfortunately for me the fields of interest I have don’t really reward a big payday unless you train from a young age and end up lecturing at a university, other than me writing a best selling book I’m going to have to go back to the grind of a 9-5 job. With applying for benefits to try and help me through this time to pay the bills i have come across something that makes me excited, something i really was not expecting!

I am entitled to some free courses at my local college to train in a new career, to get some skills and help myself get into something I might enjoy, carpentry! I like to build things but do not have many skills, I like to pretty things up and take things apart and this will help with that skill, it is something I can do self employed so can work the hours I need. It is the most random skill I could have picked, especially knowing in my lifetime I have been a retail staff member, a nursery nurse, bar staff, a chef, pub manager, a tech records assistant and now carpenter, why not!

this is the first time in a long time I’m excited about something that isn’t my spirituality path and I can not wait to get started! wish me luck, Blessed be

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World mental health day.

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Today is world mental health day, a day to try and be kind to everyone, we all have our demons and everyone deserves kindness.

There are lots of platforms to reach out too if you are struggling. We are lucky here in the UK to have the NHS, sometimes you have to fight to be heard but please don’t stop fighting. Talking to anyone can help, the Samaritans or mind or even a friend.

Whatever you are struggling with you are not alone, there is help available for you, you just need to reach out. I know that in itself can be terrifying but think of it as the first step back to you.

We are strong, we are worth all the love that we receive and give ourselves. Blessed be. 💜

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Adding to my crystal collection.

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As I was walking through my local town center today I spotted an unusual stool I hadn’t noticed. It had so many beautiful crystals, Himalayan salt lamps, dreamcatchers and native American pictures. I was in awe! I took it as a sign that I was due a few more crystals to help raise my vibration and cheer me up.

I bought some beautiful raw emerald, pyrite, aquamarine, selenite stick, purple howler and and a beautiful agate slice of amythyst which I gave to my daughter. Coming home and adding them to my collection makes me feel good, when I wake up tomorrow and say my affirmation I have more sparkling items to make me smile.

I need to ensure I’m completing my morning routine everyday as I really notice the difference when I don’t. It’s my new form of self sabotage it seems, I will beat this and I will gain control again. I can only be responsible for myself and my own reactions and as long as I am aware and trying to make a difference for my future then I’m proud!! Blessed be 💜

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Keeping your calm can be the best thing to do.

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Today has been a test. It has tested me more than it has in a very long time but I managed to keep my cool and hold down my reaction, to talk it through reasonably and express myself the way I wanted too.

The stress and emotional abuse our family has received from my mother, it doesn’t even sound right calling her that, from this woman who destroyed everything is getting beyond a joke. She has pushed buttons for reactions, made false accusations to make her sound like a victim and is making my poor dad’s life a living hell.

We have a while to wait for proceedings of my parents divorce so it means it won’t be the end of the instigations from her but I’m just proud I have learned not to react to them, not to say the things she wants to hear, not to even get emotional. It has taken years of therapy and CBT to get to this point.

All I can do is be there for my dad, continue supporting him and each other until this awful time is over. I will have my time where I can say my piece and it won’t effect anyone else, I can do it in a calm and effective manor. Explain to her exactly how her actions have impacted each and everyone of us and never have contact again.

Thank you for all your continued support and kind words, it means so much to me to get them. You are wonderful people and I will be continuing to work on myself and making sure I’m a good person! Blessed be.

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Not all days are good or bad, some are just meh.

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All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.

Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?

I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.

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Feeling supported.

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There aren’t many mornings I wake up with energy so I make the most of them. I have been to town and replenished my candles as well as grabbing some incense, I have done all my housework and have the second load of washing on.

It doesn’t seem like much and in the grand scheme of things its not but for me it is a win! I am still looking for work, still unsure of what I actually want to do. I am still trying to find my yoga routine a slot but it seems to differ each day.

I want to share some of the positive energy I have today with you all, I want to help anyone struggling to human today. You are amazing, you are worth all the love you receive and you are not alone. Blessed be.

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Building my vision board.

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Another way I’m trying to help my motivation to get back to the normal world of people is a vision board, more self help books and blogs have helped me start my journal so the next thing I think will help is a vision board.

On there I have; find a job and spend more time with my family, to do more yoga and remember to meditate everyday. I just need to do one thing every time I walk past and read it and I’m winning!

Sunday has always been housework day but since I’m not at work I have noticed its a lot easier to do it on Monday when there is no one in the house so Sundays have become the lazy day, if only I had a working oven I could cook a big sunday roast! Alas it’s sausage, egg, beans and chips. Another British classic!

I hope that you are all enjoying your Sunday, I hope you have family and warmth, love and light, peace and calm. Blessed be.

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Moving forward.

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All anyone can do in these very uncertain times is just move forward, and that is my only goal for next week, to move forward. Not be stagnant and scared, not be worried and overwhelmed. I want to make positive steps to make my life better, to try and help my mental health and get my life back to me being in control, or at least as much control as everyone else has right now.

My first plan is to start my daily journal, I have always said my journal is not private as I write my thoughts and feelings down here for everyone to read but I think I need a daily, private and just for me to reflect journal. I have been reading another wonderful book called the witch’s book of self care by Arin Murphy-Hiscock that has lovely ideas for a journal, how you can plan one out so even on days that nothing happens you have things to enter. I am going to start my new journal ritual in the morning when i light my candles and say my Affirmation.

The weather hasn’t been helping the situation either, I have never thought of my self as having seasonal depression as it has always been with me but I can definitely understand the basis of it, the sunshine really does make everything better. I do enjoy a walk in the rain sometimes but I am not a big fan of the cold so if it is windy too I’m out!

Moving forward no matter how small the steps are still counts, even if all you managed to do was get up, dressed and eat something then you have covered your basics, just try again tomorrow to add one more thing to the list, apply for a few jobs on your phone, tidy up the house a bit or do some washing. As long as your moving forward you are trying and I’m proud of you. Blessed Be.

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Now is the time, to do what exactly?

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Unfortunately I feel very much back at square 1 right now, like so many other people during these uncertain times I have been made redundant. Through no fault of anyone or anything other than the situation of the world right now, the pandemic, the virus and everything else that seems to be brewing around too. I have been trying really hard to keep up my routine, to find some solace in anything I can to stop me falling into the darkness.

The whole idea of job searching is exhausting and terrifying. The process of meeting new people and putting myself out in a world I feel I haven’t really been a part of since last year has my anxiety so high. The idea of the world that is out there, the world I am raising my family in is also just as terrifying. Depression seems to like that one, it keeps asking what my intentions are when the whole world falls apart, I don’t have any!? die with the masses I guess…. and there is it’s reason to get me into bed and just not bother.

Where is my drive? Where is the woman who was fearless and an adrenaline junkie? who loved a challenge and fought hard for the things she believed in? I don’t know anymore. I thought she was still in there somewhere, I thought she had found her feet again and was getting ready to stand tall but when I need her the most she’s hiding in the pit of my stomach screaming at me! Square one again.

With trying to stay positive I have updated my CV which at least makes me sound like a productive member of society who is capable of holding down a job, I have considered higher education at the ripe old age of 33, A levels in English and History as they are my two passions in life and to carry on with my spiritual learning, still wanting to find someone to connect with on this, to help guide me, as with everything now I just feel lost.

Now is the perfect time for me to decide what it is exactly I want to do, what makes me happy? what would mix my passions and be able to make me an income? or is that asking too much? do I focus on myself and my mental health first and worry about work later? do I just get a job for now and figure things out along the way? do I make a plan and stick to it to further my education?

For now I’m going to apply for a few jobs I really am interested in hoping my new updated CV gets me a look, I am then going to make a hot cup of tea, find a comfy spot and read some self care books. I have increased my collection substantially over the last few months, so much so I have had to purchase a new bookcase to store all my books together, better get reading! Blessed be and thankyou for reading, all of your support and nice comments really makes me feel I have a purpose, if 1 person can read and relate to what my crazy brain spits out I feel a little less isolated.

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Sliding down to climb back up.

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I am constantly reminded that my illness has a mind of its own. I have been a bit up and down the last few weeks, trying to stay motivated and keeping things running but sometimes it’s just so hard.

It’s hard not to let my mood effect the people around me, it’s hard to not want to be around the people you love. You know that you are hurting their feelings by reacting the way you are but you can’t stop that voice in your head saying all these nasty things, you just have to not repeat them.

The negativity surrounds you like a cloud and no matter how hard you try to blow it away it seems to just grow bigger. So to get out of my own head I need to make others smile, I need to concentrate on making someone else happy and then maybe it will lift my cloud.

I will be cleansing my crystals, watering my flowers, meditating and doing anything my family ask for to give me some direction, some plan and reason to this blurry mess right now. Blessed be 💜

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Happy birthday blog!!

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Today marks the one year anniversary of me starting my blog. I haven’t achieved every thing I wanted too but I still feel I have done something.

I have lots of followers on several platforms, I have written about my everyday life by not gone into some details I wanted too. There is still time! I have raised over £100 for charity by doing a 8 mile walk and I have boosted my confidence.

I shared my spiritual journey with you all and have several pages within my blog for inspirational meme’s, things I enjoy doing and the charity walk I have done. If you could all just visit my page, add a comment and help me make year two the year I take off!! I have so much still to share with you all and can’t wait to see what year two brings.

Thank you all so much for being with me during this difficult time, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and comment on my questions, it really does mean everything to me! Blessed be 💜

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Is there a bully group chat!?

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I shared my post with you guys last week about bullying, about the issues my daughter was facing and that I understood how she feels. And then I get a follow request from one of my bullies!?

I had a problem with this “woman” since I was in my teens. She looks down her nose at me and called me all sorts of names. Fast forward ten years and She then decided to sleep with my fiance and get pregnant, don’t get me wrong he certainly enjoyed the fact of how much we dislike each other too.

Following this I get approximately three years of abuse. Calls in the middle of the night, text messages full of nasty comments, coming up to me in the street anytime she saw me, again shouting abuse wether my daughter was there or not. It finally ended after I had a harassment order and restraining order placed against her.

Welcome back to today! I haven’t heard, seen or had any contact since 2014 until I have the police called for my daughter then pops up a follow request. I deleted and ignored but it’s playing on my mind.

Why do bullys feel the need to check in? I’ve had messages from my daughter’s bullies asking me how dare I bring the police into this…. I’ve had requests from my bullies suddenly popping up. What the hell is happening!?

So today is a day of cleansing. I will be burning my sage sticks around the house and myself, I will be setting up my crystal grid so promote positive vibes and cleansing energies and may even attempt a clear all curses spell, just to make sure!! I hope you all enjoy your wonders day!

Please visit my blog and read about my sponsored walk I’m completing on the 5th sept for an amazing little boy. We need to raise as much as we possibly can and I would really appreciate all the help we can receive for him!! Blessed be.

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To be grateful…

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What am i grateful for? Lots really. I have an awesome support unit with my husband, my sister, my dad and my daughter, I have a great support unit far an wide with family all over the country. I have a home I love even if I am thinking of leaving it. I am grateful for life, for waking up every morning, be it a good mood or bad, for wanting to heal myself and for starting this journey I had talked about for so long.

Yesterday was a good day, the sun was out and I got the pool out, BBQ food was amazing and I do love feeding my family. I dont have many talents but I can cook! My alter is constantly being changed and bits added or removed I just love meditating surrounded by my plants and incense, candles and lights. It’s my happy place.

If I could ask all you lovely people to please please click on my blog and read my page about Jacobs Journey, it’s a charity walk I am doing to raise money for a very special little boy. Any donations received will be amazing. Pop a comment on the page so I can try to keep track. Blessed be ♥️

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what is the moon doing to me!?

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Today has been a struggle, I don’t know about anyone else but I have not managed to do anything productive today. I did my cards and I meditated for a little while this morning, I cooked for the fam as they still need to eat but I couldn’t manage to eat anything myself. I have always had a strange relationship with food, I either eat it all or have two bites and say I’m done, and today I couldn’t even manage one bite, I just done feel right. I feel sick and lethargic, I feel stressed but with no real reason to be and my anxiety has been driving me nuts today! hands constantly sweating and my heart just deciding to race for no reason. I feel tired but I cant sleep. I have written out so many messages today and just decided not to send them, I know the mood I’m in I would snap at someone who doesn’t deserve it just because of my mood, so I just avoided all contact today, you know the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all” well that’s todays moto.

I know the moon is in retrograde, I know that emotions are running high everywhere right now and the world doesn’t need another grumpy opinion so I’ve stayed pretty quiet today. I want to send out positive vibes and I want to send out good feelings but I cant even share that with myself today. Its been a struggle but there is tomorrow. Blessed Be.

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Starting again… again.

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I had told myself a fresh start was coming on Monday, although I feel like I may have had a bit of a head start today. I had felt the best I had in a long time and I feel my faith and beliefs have really given me something to focus on but like always when you feel like you have everything under control your mental health comes to let you know it hasn’t gone anywhere and its not that easy. My brain chatter has been trying its best to get me back into bed all day for the last few weeks, its been a struggle but I feel it is, at least, only half winning.

the morning routine has kind of gone and my getting up time has gone from 9am back to 12pm, that needs sorting first. I have updated and sorted out my Alter space which makes me happy. I have all the things I love in one place and a place I can go and be peaceful and me. I have been reading all about the coming Solstice still and am excited to be able to do my first ritual on Saturday.

The weather has been a bit shit where I am in sunny old England and I’m really hoping I can cleanse and charge my crystals tomorrow, I feel like I have drained my necklace this week and it needs charging. I do enjoy being able to sit in the garden and cleanse my crystals with sage in the sun, I like to cast a circle and meditate as it is the most peaceful feeling in the world. I’ve been saying for years about getting a driving license and am yet to achieve this, I have a provisional and I have passed my theory test but I just have never really wanted it to much but I see all these beautiful places around my country and always think, I want to go there! but the public transport prices are a joke. For now I will just enjoy the pieces of beautiful nature near where I live and my own Garden, Blessed Be.