It seems I am the only one I’m my country who is loving the weather right now. Don’t get me wrong sleeping is a nightmare and it’s the only time I’ve ever wished for air con in England but sunshine always makes me feel better.

I slept in my garden last night for a few hours as it is cooler, I love being closer to nature and the night time sounds and beautiful colours of the night sky always help lift my mood, even when I can’t sleep. It makes a change to be up because of the heat and not my mental health.

I hope everyone is staying hydrated and cool, keeping calm and looking after each other. Blessed be 💜

I am back, who missed me? no I didn’t either. I have added a new page to my blog and I am asking all you lovely people to pop over and have a look for me, please! its for a great cause and I’m trying to help out a friend. I am doing a sponsored 8 mile walk and its going to be painful, I’m praying it doesn’t rain. I will pop a link at the bottom of this page to the charity and cause I am walking for.

I have been a bit of a rollercoaster the last few weeks, every good day is followed by two shit ones but I am trying to stick to my routine. water the flowers, meditate and do yoga. eat healthier (Although chocolate and coffee are my two favourite things at the moment) but there are still days I’m fighting my mental health. Just a reminder that this battle will never be won, I will never be cured just manageable.

and then you read stories about Jacob, he and his whole family are such and inspiration for perseverance. you need it, and hope, love, support. all those things matter and can make all the difference in life. I am going to hug my loved ones a little bit tighter tonight, tell them I love them just one more time. Blessed Be

To read more about Jacob’s project and how to support him, please visit: https://www.sullivansheroes.org/projects/jacobs-journey-for-home-adaptions/

Good evening world!! I am positive and have very much enjoyed my day. I walked 10,000 steps and purchased some beautiful flowers to put in my alter corner. It is alive with prettys and succulents and crystals and words…. It is my happy place.

Unfortunately I do not have a green thumb, I have tried to grow herbs and small items from scratch and they start to grow but then flop and die, I dont know what I’m doing wrong. Over watering them? Under watering them? To much sun or not enough? If I have to grow a green thumb then I think I’m fucked. Bad times!

So for now I will just try my hardest to keep these items alive and happy maybe the meditation music and my positive energy while meditating will help them grow. One can hope. Enjoy this beautiful evening people and don’t forget to water your plants! Blessed Be.

Over the last few weeks I have been sorting out the house, decluttering and removing everything I don’t need, moving things around to get the best use out of them and making our home flow a bit better.

Unfortunately that resulted in a pile of old crap in the garden that needed to be thrown away and the local dump has been busy everyday since they was able to reopen. I wasn’t risking it so I called a company and got them to do it for me.

So now my house is clear and tidy and the rubbish in the garden is gone, I need to get out and do some gardening to bring it back to life. I was hoping the thunderstorms last night would reduce the temperature a bit today but no such luck. To garden or not to garden.

I will start my day as normal with a cup of tea and meditation, I thank the Goddess for this beautiful day and speak my daily affirmation. Blessed Be everyone, may today bring you all light. Love and positivity ❤️

Today is a good day people ♥️ I have woken up refreshed and alive! Ready for the week ahead and full of positivity. My cards agree too it’s my time to shine.

I have a few ideas for a book now, I’m going to attempt to put them to paper, well, computer screen. See how they turn out, If it’s a short story and not the book I was after I might start a short story page too share them with you. Moving the working from home station to a more sunny position this week. That should help the motivation as I can watch the world go by.

The solstice was amazing, I got to watch so many videos of talented people singing and playing instruments, reading stories and poetry. I can’t wait for next year when I can actually go and meet some of these amazing people. I feel I got so much positive energy sent to me and I tried to send mine right back. Anyone who needs some love today, some energy or just some reassurance, I am here and you are amazing!! Blessed be.

It is the summer solstice! It’s the day I’ve been waiting for all week. And I haven’t slept at all! I’ve been up all night watching conspiracy theories (I love a good conspiracy to solve) and I’m still rather alert at the moment, I am hoping I still am at sunset. I have my plans for today and my ritual all set up I’m just hoping I can stay awake.

But still being up with the birds again is nice. Watching the sky get light and the longest day wake up is refreshing even if I couldn’t see the sunrise from my little back garden.

Considering my mood yesterday I feel remarkably positive for someone who had no sleep, I should probably meditate and raise my vibration for today. So I’m going to that now. I hope you all have a wonderful Litha Sabbat and enjoy the longest day. I will send out all the positivity I have and hopefully I receive some back! Blessed be.

I woke up this morning before the alarm went off, had a few minutes in bed to be grateful for waking up again, to be grateful for everything that I have and will have, for the raising of my vibration this morning. I can feel it. The sun was shining through the cracks in the curtains and I could feel it was going to be warm and muggy today. Did my normal routine, cuppa, cards and yoga. Attempted a workout again but died again. I think I might stick to yoga!

Then it started to rain… I absolutely love the smell of the rain, people tell me I’m crazy when I say I can smell the rain if it’s coming but I genuinely can! It’s fresh and earthy, its refreshing and energising and it’s one of my favourite smells. When I’m down a walk through the woods in the rain is normally a good way to appreciate the world and nature we live in. Blessed be.

I know it’s only 10am but I thought I would post my morning win with you all. I woke up at 9am with my alarm, made a cup of tea and read my cards for today. I need to have faith in myself and believe to achieve! I meditated for a little while and then did a morning work out (absolutely unheard of for me) but it’s helped get my energy levels up!

I’m now in the garden enjoying the sunshine before I get in the shower and start my day. I think I’m going to walk and feed the birds, to tidy and sort out the house and then make something creative. Maybe draw and update some of my book of Shadows. Day 1 of starting again, success!! Blessed be.

I woke up yesterday with the full intention of only giving out good vibrations, to only receive good energy. It was working until about 2pm. I don’t know what changed other than my mood but I just couldn’t shake this angry and frustrated mood. I did the worse thing possible and thought maybe a drink would cheer me up, it didn’t obviously.

I sat up until 4am watching some very interesting documentaries quietly boiling over completely nothing. I think I need to do some energy configuration and healing. But due to my dumb antics last night I just want to eat and slob around. As always there is always tomorrow. Until there isn’t. All any of us can do is try and do our best and be our best, but no-one is perfect and we are allowed bad days. Blessed be.

The only good thing about not sleeping all night is being able to sit in my garden with a tea and hear the birds wake up. If it was warm and sunny you could even call it perfect! Alas it’s cloudy and cold and the ground is damp from dew. But you can smell the earth, everything waking up from its slumber or crawling back to its bed after hunting all night. Maybe if I was a nocturnal animal I would be a bit more optimistic about the day time sleeping yet I haven’t been hunting or done anything productive except stare at the ceiling.

I would like to think I will be productive today but unfortunately I can’t see that happening. Come 10 am I will probably be a sweaty mess curled up in my duvet and dressing gown dropping in and out of consciousness, but until then I can just enjoy the birds song. Blessed be.

My illness is deceitful, my illness is frightening, my illness is spiteful, my illness can be immobilising. My illness isn’t me.

Today has been a tough day, I haven’t felt like the new version of me I have been trying to create. I made myself get up and do all the things that have helped me the last few weeks to feel better, to have some motivation but I still ended the day crying in the shower. Nothing happened today except my overthinking brain chatter getting the better of me. I just cant seem to make any kind of decision.. on anything!

Not that there are any major decision’s to be made right now, but that’s not the point.

Sometimes self care just doesn’t work no matter how bad you want it too, you can be meditating and completely calm with tears rolling down your cheeks, you can be angry and red faced yet completely collected to the outside world. It feels like the peace before the storm, but where is the storm? Nothing else to do but to thank the goddess and god for the blessing of today and tell myself tomorrow is a new beginning. I need to go to bed now, fingers crossed for tomorrow. Blessed be.

As promised I have felt very fragile today, the alcohol went down very nicely coupled with the BBQ food. the weather didn’t really hold out but I was able to collect some rain water for my Alter, so silver lining and all that, plus I enjoyed a little time out in the rain, it was cleansing.

I haven’t done much today, slept late, ate a lot of the food that was left over and heaved every time I saw a drink. I’m definitely not drinking again for a while! and its been a good let go which is what we was supposed to do for the beautiful strawberry moon. Now I can focus on becoming a normal productive human again and getting back into my meditation routine and reading my books but for the rest of today I can laze around and play games on my computer.

This weekend has been a bit of a blur but it has been a good weekend, a nice recharge and getting things into perspective again. I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for the people I have a round me and I am grateful to the universe. Blessed be.

It is my birthday tomorrow, just another day once you get passed a certain age, just a reminder you should be another year wiser. I have grown this year at least, spent a lot of time learning who I really was and still making revelations today! therapy and counselling, medication and meditation, making decisions that were hard but also the right thing to do. Today has consisted of buying food for the small party/ gathering of four people I can have in my home tomorrow. My sister, bless her has been buzzing around all day doing little things I’m not allowed to see, its adorable.

The strawberry moon tonight, I’m excited and have felt pretty good all day waiting for my birthday moon, yes I’m calling it that and I know its not but hey, its kept my mood up today. I look forward to seeing all the celebrations and party’s people had when I go through my reader and social media. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to do a ritual on my own yet, I need guidance and I’m prepared to wait to do it properly, so for now I’m just happy looking out for the moon and thanking the god and goddess for this blessed day.

I hope you all have a wonderful full moon and have a blessed day tomorrow, I shall be enjoying lots of food and drink and merriment! blessed be.

It has been an interesting day today, I woke up late again even after setting two alarms. I didn’t want to use my brain, it just wasn’t feeling up to it so I loaded my favourite game on the computer and let my mind melt in the building and decorating of beautiful homes I will never be able to afford. had a sudden epiphany around 2pm for a beautiful dinner so got them wheels into motion. Suddenly at 5pm I had some motivation for the day and decided to go and visit a friend, social distancing of course because we are not out of the woods yet! it was nice to talk to someone new and have a cup of tea not in my own four walls.

Now I’m back home and my mind just wants to melt again, I’m thinking more games and an early night, lets hope I’m up with the first alarm tomorrow!

Today’s weather has been absolutely incredible! so warm with a light breeze with all the birds and bees busy working about their days. I seem to have found my motivation today or was just blessed in my sleep. I woke up at a reasonable time this morning and hade a cup of tea whilst reading my new book, Grimoire for the green witch by Ann Moura. I have been waiting for this book for a while now as my wonderful husband ordered it for me, its my birthday next week and I have had a steady flow of trinkets and information from the postman delivered this week. I went out for a nice 2 mile walk in the sunshine and was very glad I remembered to put sun cream on my shoulders otherwise I would be a very deep shade of red!

I had nothing for the birds and animals today but I will ensure to make some bits up for them this week, instead I blessed a few trees and gave thanks for all around me. I know there is plenty more I could do but I haven’t plucked up the courage to try and actual ritual or spell yet, like I said I’m still learning. once I got home I chilled out in the garden and cleansed all my crystals so they could charge in the warm sun. I’m going to try some chakra aligning yoga before bed, hopefully that will get rid of some of the tension I’ve had the last few days.

I hope for another day of peace and clarity again tomorrow and more time spent out in nature, I hope all who read this have a blessed day.

I woke up late again today, that seems to be a indicator as to whether my day will be good or bad. I had no energy and no motivation but I made myself do at least a few of the things I said I would, tidy up under the stairs and go for a walk and feed the birds. I wanted to sort a few other bits out and clean and charge my crystals, to meditate within a circle as that is the one thing that seems to bring me peace lately. but I just couldn’t bring myself to do these things, the constant brain chatter has not been my friend today. That’s the beauty of depression you see, when you feel like you have it all under control and life is going great it likes to slip a stick in your bike wheel just to remind you who’s boss.

I will make myself do some sort of meditation before bed although I cant see me being up late tonight. I’ve been told keeping a journal is good for your mental health so I figured why not do a public, complete expose on myself and have it as a blog? if I can reach one person to reach out to someone that makes it worth while. I love writing and find it very therapeutic and have always wanted to share my thoughts with the world. A novel is the ultimate dream but I honestly don’t think I could, Positive Mental Attitude!! I can I will….

What topic could I write about? Fantasy or reality? could I make up a whole story people would read? who knows, maybe one day I might have a short story page on here, then you can all tell me if I’m good enough.

I’m hoping its going to be a better day tomorrow, I am thankful for the beautiful weather we have had the last few days and as always and thankful to my support unit around me. calm, sleep and positive vibes I’m hoping will give me the strength to do what makes me happy. Blessed Be.

I haven’t done anything special today, I haven’t meditated or gone for a walk, I haven’t done any exercise or read a book. What I have done is totally clean my house from top to bottom, I’m lucky and get a hand with these things but my sister wasn’t feeling her best today so I took over. It was satisfying just getting everything organised, I have decided in my head how I’m decorating the dining room yet like most other projects in my mind its a case of waiting for thing to fall into place to start or waiting for funds to arrive. I sorted out my wardrobe and all the kitchen cupboards, hoovered EVERYWHERE! I love my hoover, and yes I’m aware of how old and what a mother that makes me sound like but seriously, find me 30 something mother who doesn’t love a good working hoover! especially when I’m only 5″1 I need the long pole for the cobwebs.

I have been thinking about moving my computer desk from the bedroom to the front room, more space, a bit lighter and will serve me well if I get to work from home full time but I am terrible for sitting watching you tube and researching for hours into the night and I might get lonely downstairs on my own, at least upstairs I’m with the hubby while he is on his PlayStation. Decisions, Decisions.

I’m going to try and wind down now with a cup of tea and hot shower and look forward to my day of sorting and spirituality tomorrow. Blessed be.

The first few weeks of the lockdown I thought I could finally catch up on the sleep I had felt I was missing, 14, 16 hours in bed however is not a normal sleeping pattern. I finally realised after waking up around 4pm two days in a row and then proceeding to stay awake for 48 hours feeling like total shit, I couldn’t carry on.

I started small and made myself get up at midday, made myself do something productive i.e., read a book or clean the house, you know starting easy. I found a book called Moon Magic by Rachel Patterson. I was totally intrigued by the things she was writing about, the magic she felt, or I felt through her reminded me of being a child again, of the excitement of the unknown and the never being able to learn enough. she has an array of fantastic books and I am yet to read them all but I do plan on working my way through but you see, this book opened up a pathway for me, it made me look into myself and really think about what my therapy had taught me and what it really was I wanted from life.

happiness and Peace, an inner understanding of myself and to love and be loved without any stipulations. that’s what I want. that’s what I need. and that’s what I shall achieve.

since the opening of the door for me into the world of magic, paganism, spirituality, crystals, reiki and many other new interests and research topics, I have found a peace and a faith I can rely on, one I can believe in and know it will never harm. that is the ultimate goal of a decent human being no? to not harm and not be harmed? in any way; love, energy, money, family whatever means the most to you. we all just want to be accepted for who we are and what we love. I have made no secret of the fact nature is where I felt at home, nature is my church and it always has been but now I have found new ways to honour her, new ways to make me feel like I can do something for the greater good. Aren’t you all so lucky you get to come with me!

I start small and work my way through, learning and feeling as I go, food for the birds, eating a bit less meat (I’m not a vegetarian yet but I might get there one day) litter picking and being more aware of my carbon footprint. I’m just trying to be a better version of me, using all I have learnt and all I know I am still to learn to raise my vibration. I am very lucky for the whole support unit I have as I had to remove the toxic I felt all around and to the universe I am grateful for helping with that. Any thoughts, ideas, links or interests anyone would like to share or discuss please feel free to leave a comment and please share my blog if it is something you think people would like.

Thank you and Blessed Be!

Knowing that your feelings and emotions are playing tricks on you is one thing but when you see someone you love feeling that way and there isn’t anything you can do about it, it hurts! It makes you feel helpless.

You can’t explain your illness to someone else experiencing Thier own interpretation of the illness. I watch my daughter struggle with anxiety knowing there is nothing I can do but lead her on the right path. I can’t explain or brush her valid feelings off I just have to support her in any way I can. She has a shit day and needs to be left alone, that’s what I do. I can’t help but judge her actions on my feelings, so I do the things that would make me happy. Movies and chocolate. Cuddles or distance. Jokes or sarcasm (she speaks fluent like me)
sometimes I get it right and some days I don’t. But I take the bad moods and attitude because I know she’s a good girl. I know she talks to me when she needs to and I don’t pressure her, just always remind her she’s loved and accepted for who she is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the mother of a teenage daughter, we have our fights and disagreements but we are supposed to, that’s how she grows and stands up for what she wants and believes in. If she can’t feel comfortable with me then where can she!? She is painfully shy and doesn’t like talking to any other adult authority which can be difficult sometimes. I feel I push her to talk more than I should but I don’t want to be her voice for the outside world I want her to have the courage to speak up but her anxiety keeps her quiet and I need to understand that.

People have told me im to soft on her, that I’m to aware of her feelings and not teaching her to be an adult but how do you pressure someone to speak up when you, yourself have days you don’t want to. It’s a difficult one for me and something I struggle with alot.

She is a good girl and doesn’t get in trouble, I get attitude but not disrespect and she is aware of others feelings the same of her own and for me that’s a win. She is my everything and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy. It’s what mums are supposed to do, I think!?

So like everyone else in this uncertain time I have been quarantined to my house. for me this isn’t a issue, I spend most of my time here and this is my safe bubble. people come in when I say and people leave me alone when I say. for people like my sister and my daughter its a struggle.

they are chomping at the bit to get out in the sunshine and apparently sorting out my shit hole of a garden just doesn’t cut it for outside entertainment. they have resorted to painting my hallway and I for one am not complaining! I sit here at my desk having finished my days work wondering what to do now. I have slept an awful lot for someone who is supposed to be coming to the end of her CBT and Therapy and am yet to find a project I can really sink my teeth into, other than my Blog. I play silly games on the computer and my phone, I watch so much tv and I’m trying to get back to a book a week but some days I really find it hard just to pick the book up.

So I am looking for a project, an idea I can flow with. I have been writing a lot but to me it just seems like random words. I cant seem to flow with an idea instead I’m starting new ones all the time but not getting invested in them. maybe this time being at home with everyone around me will give me ideas for a comedy!

until my inspiration strikes I guess I will just here and drink tea, hoping it knocks for me in my sleep or something!?

I have been thinking lately as much as I want to help others with sharing how I feel, it also doesn’t give me much to write about without feeling a bit self centred.

So I’m hoping to share some ideas of things I like and review them in a way. Any suggestions would also be welcome and please feel free to share with your friends if you think it would be something they would enjoy reading too or they enjoy the things I talk about.

I am a bit of a sucker for History, anything involving royal families from around the 1400’s onwards. I love to read and write, obvs! I love TV programs and movies but prefer the series, it lasts longer and I am very much a season a day kinda girl, I cant be dealing with one episode a week!

I don’t read as much as I would like, the last thing I read was an Autobiography and I’m currently reading a book on Druidcraft, an interesting concept so far but I still have a way to go. I have been searching for something lately, a meaning, a faith in something. I figured I would read all sorts of books on all sorts of abstract and ancient religions. the mainstream doesn’t interest me, I doesn’t inspire faith in me. any books you think I should read feel free to comment.

Nature is what feels like home to me. being in the woods or around water, walking in the sunshine or just sitting and feeling the earth, there is a connection with me that I am unsure of where it comes from but know I have always felt it, there is energy there. and the start of this book is telling me the same so I am open to its interpretation

The Supernatural has always been an interest to me too, magic and witchcraft, demons and angels, life and death. it’s a balance that shouldn’t be able to be messed with and yet the Supernatural is exactly that, unbalancing of nature and the dark side of the light. I watch all the programs (Vampire diaries, Originals, Supernatural, True Blood, Grim, Game of Thrones) and Many more, I am sometimes known to get engrossed in these worlds, to find myself dreaming and imagining my characters place in these worlds, if I would have one.

Welcome back to another insight the darkness of my soul.

The most powerful emotion that likes to eat at my insides during my days of depression is the guilt. You don’t want to do anything or be anywhere so you hide in the dark and let the guilt of you not doing what your supposed to, eat you up.
All whilst hiding in the dark still. Why is it just so hard to function? To do the things you normally do, and have done all your life?
You don’t want any company yet you feel like you want attention.
You want to sleep yet your brain won’t switch off.
You want to reach out and help yourself out of the hole but you’re still hiding in the dark.
It’s like having an annoying voice in your head arguing every thought you have in a stupid childish voice.

I need to get up and shower,

No you don’t, you deserve to smell.

I should get out of bed at least,

No one wants to see you, you smell.

Fine, how about read something…

But that might be pleasurable, no can do!
Off to the dark hole you go, here is a run down of every time you hurt someone’s feelings in the last 10 years.

I can’t sleep so repeat similar conversations for the next 24 hours.
It’s the hardest, deepest and heaviest feeling I have ever felt. And for me that’s saying a lot.
It’s hard to get yourself out of that cycle and no one else can pull you out. 

Your healing and progress is all on you. It doesn’t matter how good of a support system you have or how much you know they love you you always feel like a burden. Like your dragging everyone down in the spiral with you!

Roll back in my mind the guilt. 

It’s a viscous circle that makes you feel you are treading water ALL THE TIME.
Moving forward not matter how little it seems is the only way to get unstuck. Well untill the next time your brain wants you to know how shit you are, then repeat cycle!

I’m sorry I’ve not written in a while, I took some time out for self care, took myself away for a few days of laughing, drinking and a lot of walking!

Every once in a while when you have been using your techniques, keeping up with your medication and taking time for yourself you do feel better!
I cherish this time when I seem to be unclouded, when I can look at the sky and the trees and appreciate all that is around me. When I can look at the ones I love and admire them for their strength. To be able to appreciate the way they have supported me and never judged me, to give back for all I feel they gave me in my dark days. I love spoiling them and really telling them how much they mean to me. No better feeling than to love and be loved.

You never know how long these periods will last so you have to appreciate it while you can.

I’m the annoying person on the street stopping to take photos of random stuff. The weird blue in the sky or the way the sun shines through gaps in leaves. On my good days I love to look through them and appreciate the beauty of nature all around me and all the beautiful places I’ve been lucky to be.
I find water very calming, I like sitting by it listening to the waves or watching all the life around the rivers and lakes. It’s beautiful.

I feel like you really need to savour these days, there are days in the dark where I’m begging to see the beauty in the world but it’s just all grey. When the colours shine, I shine!

It’s hard to live with someone who has depression and anxiety, I feel personally that as a sufferer, if you expect the ones around you to be a true support unit you need to give some back when you can. It’s easy to be selfish but I read once…
Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.
And that is not a place I want to go, I’ve watched that, I’ve felt that and I lived that!! Maybe that’s why I make sure to show appreciation and to try and do what I can when I can. I try to be a good person.

Hi again! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, today I want to talk about my moods, of which I have no control lately! Why is it when you say you want to be left alone everyone automatically assumes your pissed off with them? I’m not pissed at you I’m pissed at me, I’m pissed at my mood that I just can’t shake, I’m pissed that I can’t just hide away under my duvet and tell the world to fuck off, I’m pissed that I feel like everything that is coming out of my mouth is being analysed for an undertone or secret meaning. honestly….. I just want to be left alone to contemplate my stupid thoughts, to argue with the voice I’m my head about why I shouldn’t want to run away. And I shouldn’t, I have been through some very dark experiences in my life. I’ve been in places I knew in my gut I should never have been around yet there I was no fear in the world. Now I seem to not even be able to get out of bed and go to work, like a normal person, with normal people I trust whole heartedly without thinking something is going to happen to me, or my kid or my husband. Without worrying about being made to look stupid or being made fun of, for being told I’m not worth it because I really feel that way sometimes. I’ve not been suicidal since my teens and I would never do that because I wouldn’t want my daughter to think she wasn’t enough, she is enough but it doesn’t stop the thinking of “would they be better without me?” Am I too much of a hindrance? Am I just to much hard work constantly telling me I’m not? What am I teaching her about herself? Constant questions I don’t have the answer for……. So we end up back where we started, just wanting to hide from everyone and everything because you just don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself it’s your illness telling you this, the voice in your head is wrong. It still won’t shut up!! Someone please tell me in not the only one who has days like this? Weeks like this? A life like this? I always try to leave on a positive but I’m finding it difficult today, squeeze everyone you love that little bit tighter today! Share the love and smiles and maybe some will get back to me too!!

Welcome back to another insight into my crazy brain. I have told you how I feel on my down days and how I feel on my good days. I’ve spoken about the steps I’ve taken and I have only just begun on my mental health awareness and healing so I’m hoping to share this whole journey with anyone who wants to read.
There are many reasons for my mental health problems, I won’t go into all of them in detail now but eventually. Just a rough overview of the general reasons for today.
From a very young age I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother, she also suffers from depression yet she handles it a very different way than me. At least that’s how I feel. I have tried to have a relationship with her and I have tried to support and help her along her mental health journey whilst also trying to understand my own. We have tried to get her help, lots of counseling and therapy and now Psychiatrist are involved. After her last episode we tried to have her commited but since then she has shut us all out and won’t let us know what is happening with the Dr or Psychiatrist so we have given her what she wants. Lots of space to be on her own and I have stopped all contact now, for my own mental health.
My second issue is drugs, it’s not as bad as it sounds anymore but it was a coping mechanism I learnt very young and one I have never been able to shake. I don’t take them anymore but I do crave them. There are days I just want to escape and get totally disconnected from reality and miss the days I did that. Yet I know the concequence of this behaviour and it’s distructive and addicting and I know it’s a bad path. I started running away at 13 to get high and feel nothing, to escape from my own emotions and I got myself into some very unpleasant and dark situations. I’ve seen things and done things I’m not very proud of, I’ve said things and I caused trouble for people because I just didn’t care, all that mattered was not feeling anything but i worked hard to get away from it all, to try and feel and see but sometimes it just got to much and it was easier to give in, to disconnect.
So that’s two of the main reasons I believe I suffer and feel the way I do. Everyone has their own reasons for feeling the way they do or for having the reactions to situations they can’t control my personal opinion is what matters is how you try to change, taking responsibility for our illness. We can’t control it but we can work to accept it and learn from it. We will never be cured but we can be present with ourselves and our reactions, know what’s good behaviour and what’s bad. Work on it and grow. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

Hey, if your reading this again. Thanks! That means I’m not as crazy as I think I am. Someone related!
I want to carry on with my description of how it feels to live on a day to day basis. I want to just explain what I’ve done to try and help myself with my mental health and what options people have when you feel like your not being listened too.
One day I can wake up and feel like I can take on the world, I feel strong and confident and because I am so lucky and have such an amazing support system my good days are celebrated. I feel like everything is wonderful, I’m in an amazing place and I work really hard and make everyone happy in the ways I only know how. I dance around making jokes and making people laugh, I work hard and think fast and soak up everything around me. I love nature and I’m a freak for pictures of the sky or water or plants. I love it and I feel the pull to nature when I’m happy and I’m down. It’s like it’s where I should be. In the middle of the woods by a river left the fuck alone when I’m down and surrounded by people when I’m happy. That’s the only difference. I love me when I’m happy, I cherish and appreciate everything it’s just unfortunately it doesn’t happen very often. To help myself to to regulate my days, my feelings and emotions I take medication. I take two antidepressants every day and 4 anti anxiety tablets. I take one vitamin b12 tablet and one folic acid tablet. Apparently b12 can have an effect on your mental health and I’ve never had a regular eating pattern so I need all the help I can get in that department. Yet I don’t take normal multivitamins, I should probably do that. You will hear that sentence a lot, I know I should yet I still haven’t.
I’ve been to several different therapists and lots of doctors and have done a course of cognitive behavioural therapy. I have a mental health app on my phone which helps me gain tools on changing my thinking and behaviour when I know I’m doing something because of my mental illness or when I know I’m self distructing. Sometimes it’s easier to see than others and sometimes I need to be told, I’m still learning and I’m not perfect but I’m trying. And that’s all I can do, all we can do. I had to push for help with my doctor I feel I have suffered from this from a young age yet have only been taken seriously by the dr for the last few years. I had to be persistent and I had to be honest. Fight for your right to be heard and to be helped.

This is my blog about living with depression and anxiety. I’m hoping sharing my story will help myself make some sort of sense about my life and health etc but I’m also hoping if I can help one person get help, move forward or just open up to someone about how they feel it will be worth sharing my story in the raw, true way I only know how.
So a little background for this first one, let’s get to know me. I’m a 32 year old mother of one, married and I have a good job. I’ve reached a point in my life I have always strived for, the stable and loving environment I have around me right now yet this is the point my depression and anxiety is at is worst. Why? Fuck knows maybe we can find out together!! I’ve had therapy and counseling, (there different things apparently, who knew!) I take medication, I go to work, I take care of my house, my bills and my family yet there are days I can’t get out of bed.
Days I’m sobbing for no apparent reason yet I can’t stop. There are two types of crying days and I’m hoping I’m not the only one. Sobbing, can’t move, snot all over my face and just want to hide away from everyone in the dark days and days where I’m trying so fucking hard to do the things I need to do, to carry on with the things I did yesterday or last week with no problems what so ever, yet there are tears flowing down my cheeks and I can’t stop them. There just there while I’m working, eating, cleaning it doesn’t matter. And them days suck. Meet depression.
Anxiety days suck too. I don’t want to leave my house, I feel isolated and exposed at the same time, I don’t feel safe. Sometimes there are reasons for feeling like this, pressure from someone about something or a big change that I know is going to happen. But sometimes there is no reason at all, like depression it has a mind of its own. It makes my heart race and my hands sweat, it’s different to depression as in it feels more physical, depression I know is in my head, it’s a battle with my brain I can understand that but my anxiety feels different, in a way more intense as I just can’t function. It makes me feel frozen within myself and that’s hard to explain or talk myself out of. It’s physical and it’s fucking frightening.
So that’s me, that’s how I feel on a day to day basis and I’m hoping someone can relate. Feel free to leave a comment if you understand some of my crazy brain or know some one who would benefit from this blog, then share away. There are links on my blog page to my social media accounts and to a few mental health sites I found helped me. If you feel you need to receive some proper help please contact your GP. Hopefully you follow my journey!