mental health · personal blog

Its now or never.

When I first read the below meme I felt attacked, then as I read it again I felt guilty, after the third time I think the reality of the word’s had finally sunk in. I have all the ingredients and all the time in the world to bake my cake, so why is it not cooking?

I have discovered in my therapy and self discovery (otherwise known as isolation/withdrawal with self help books, blogs and hours of TV binging.) that not only am I my own worst enemy but I am also a procrastinating perfectionist. I don’t want to start unless I can do it properly, because you know, if you’re going to do it then do it correctly, but I also know that anything I do when I feel like this will not be to the best of my ability. So I procrastinate until I can do it correctly but who knows when that will be? not me!

I have also noticed this very inconvenient thing with my medication. It helps my mood day to day, it helps me be more productive and positive but it really seems to stop my creativity, I don’t want to write because I am unsure of what to write and I don’t want to draw because I am aware I draw with the capability of a three year old, meditating on them is a struggle too.

I had a problem with popping pills in my teen years, they were always my drug of choice and I took them way to much and the only thing that stopped me taking them was getting pregnant. I don’t want to go down that road again, even if these ones are prescribed for my illness I don’t want to feel reliant on popping a pill to get up in the morning…. again.

So how do I move on from here? I take control.

I know things that don’t work for me, I know that the more I stop and be lazy the lower my mood is, I know that feeling productive makes me sleep better at night and I know that meditation and yoga works for me so I need to use the clichΓ© of the new year and start as I mean to go on. I brought in the new year meditating at my alter and read myself a tarot card spread for what to expect and it told me, like it does regularly that I just need to get out of my own way and try.

There are some things out of my control like getting my driving licence, I cant take the test until there is availability to take it. Moving house, I cant do that until I have my driving licence, I do have things ready for when the world is ready, my car is up and running and all legal and I’m driving as much as I possibly can to practice so that side of things is out of my hands.

But things that are in my control are what I need to focus on, Writing the book I have talked about my entire life, I have the basic premise and characters I just need to write it out in a first draft. I have snips of chapters and little bits but 2022 is the year the first draft is done! Complete the 2 Diplomas I currently have started but not finished, one is Archaeology because as sad as it sounds it has always fascinated me and the other is a blogging one so I might be able to give you some better content and understand this whole blogging thing properly as at the moment is kind of just a rant of words from me. Making the home that I am in appealing to other people and not just me so when I do get to try and push the move my house is ready and looking good for whoever might want to swap with me and finally working my little butt of to save as much money as I can because I’m tired of being poor, its my terrible spending habits and wasteful nature, it needs to change and I’m the only one capable of doing this.

So in conclusion of todays rant to the world, I will take control of the small things I am capable of and hope the big things fall into place when the universe deems it time. I will not stifle my creativity and write chapters in my diary if the mood strikes and focus on making my body healthy and happy. I hope anyone reading this can send me a kick up the butt and I will oblige with the same if you need it, Blessed be!

Go and bake your cake!

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