mental health · personal blog

An old poem I wrote.

Sometimes things can seem so bleak, no matter where we turn. We look to other peoples smiles, to feel what we all yearn.

But if we look into ourselves & can’t see what we like, then how can we expect delight through someone else’s eyes? This world is full of twists & turns that no one can foresee, but one thing that we all should learn is how to love just me.

The people that you keep close, can tear your world apart, you have to learn who not to trust & who is true of heart.

So don’t look back & hold your head high, just look to you & smile through as karma is by your side.

If you need help, reach for it.
mental health · personal blog

An old poem I wrote.

Sometimes things can seem so bleak, no matter where we turn. We look to other peoples smiles, to feel what we all yearn.

But if we look into ourselves & can’t see what we like, then how can we expect delight through someone else’s eyes? This world is full of twists & turns that no one can foresee, but one thing that we all should learn is how to love just me.

The people that you keep close, can tear your world apart, you have to learn who not to trust & who is true of heart.

So don’t look back & hold your head high, just look to you & smile through as karma is by your side.

If you need help, reach for it.
mental health · personal blog

Its now or never.

When I first read the below meme I felt attacked, then as I read it again I felt guilty, after the third time I think the reality of the word’s had finally sunk in. I have all the ingredients and all the time in the world to bake my cake, so why is it not cooking?

I have discovered in my therapy and self discovery (otherwise known as isolation/withdrawal with self help books, blogs and hours of TV binging.) that not only am I my own worst enemy but I am also a procrastinating perfectionist. I don’t want to start unless I can do it properly, because you know, if you’re going to do it then do it correctly, but I also know that anything I do when I feel like this will not be to the best of my ability. So I procrastinate until I can do it correctly but who knows when that will be? not me!

I have also noticed this very inconvenient thing with my medication. It helps my mood day to day, it helps me be more productive and positive but it really seems to stop my creativity, I don’t want to write because I am unsure of what to write and I don’t want to draw because I am aware I draw with the capability of a three year old, meditating on them is a struggle too.

I had a problem with popping pills in my teen years, they were always my drug of choice and I took them way to much and the only thing that stopped me taking them was getting pregnant. I don’t want to go down that road again, even if these ones are prescribed for my illness I don’t want to feel reliant on popping a pill to get up in the morning…. again.

So how do I move on from here? I take control.

I know things that don’t work for me, I know that the more I stop and be lazy the lower my mood is, I know that feeling productive makes me sleep better at night and I know that meditation and yoga works for me so I need to use the cliché of the new year and start as I mean to go on. I brought in the new year meditating at my alter and read myself a tarot card spread for what to expect and it told me, like it does regularly that I just need to get out of my own way and try.

There are some things out of my control like getting my driving licence, I cant take the test until there is availability to take it. Moving house, I cant do that until I have my driving licence, I do have things ready for when the world is ready, my car is up and running and all legal and I’m driving as much as I possibly can to practice so that side of things is out of my hands.

But things that are in my control are what I need to focus on, Writing the book I have talked about my entire life, I have the basic premise and characters I just need to write it out in a first draft. I have snips of chapters and little bits but 2022 is the year the first draft is done! Complete the 2 Diplomas I currently have started but not finished, one is Archaeology because as sad as it sounds it has always fascinated me and the other is a blogging one so I might be able to give you some better content and understand this whole blogging thing properly as at the moment is kind of just a rant of words from me. Making the home that I am in appealing to other people and not just me so when I do get to try and push the move my house is ready and looking good for whoever might want to swap with me and finally working my little butt of to save as much money as I can because I’m tired of being poor, its my terrible spending habits and wasteful nature, it needs to change and I’m the only one capable of doing this.

So in conclusion of todays rant to the world, I will take control of the small things I am capable of and hope the big things fall into place when the universe deems it time. I will not stifle my creativity and write chapters in my diary if the mood strikes and focus on making my body healthy and happy. I hope anyone reading this can send me a kick up the butt and I will oblige with the same if you need it, Blessed be!

Go and bake your cake!
mental health · personal blog

Sorry I’ve been missing.

I haven’t updated my blog in a very long time, I would like to say it is because I have been getting my life together or focusing on my family but the truth of it is I just don’t feel anyone wants to hear my moaning and that’s all I have been doing.

The frustrating thing is I only have myself to blame, I know what I should be doing but I just can’t get into it. For every day I feel motivated and in control it follows with three days of  moping and sleeping.

I have been speaking to a Dr and have changed my medication so I have put it down to balancing  my levels out again but it just feels like an excuse. I don’t understand how braking bad habits and routines can be so difficult! it is like a part of me just won’t let go, it’s always been there and even though I know it’s unhealthy it’s also familiar and for someone who struggles with abandonment it’s so hard to release the familiar!!

I have managed to accomplish some things the last few months, I have my car on the road and my test in a few weeks. I have celebrated the 16th birthday of the beautiful human I grew from scratch! So I should focus on the positive and be grateful and appreciative of what I do have and what I have succeeded in, I have time for all the rest.

So for today I am asking for positive energy and reassurance that we are capable of living and making decisions even while carrying around depression and anxiety every day! For waking up everyday just to deal with the demons we have fought all night is strength in itself! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Trying to be patient is hard.

It’s been a real tough few months for me, for no particular reason other than things aren’t progressing as quickly as I want them too and I’ve not been able to get back in my healthy routine, but I have really struggled.

I have done my usual bad coping mechanisms and retreated inside of myself and not wanted to be around anyone or do anything, instead of using my tools from therapy and taken steps to feel better I’ve let myself slip.

It is good that I can recognize my unhealthy pattern but makes me feel so much more worthless knowing I can’t use it as well to help myself out, so I reached out to my Dr and therapist again. I need help and I beg anyone else who is feeling low or lost to do the same. If you can’t reach them there are many online people to talk to in a crisis and I will add some links at the bottom.

Reaching out means getting stronger, it means stepping forward. As they say a problem shared is a problem halved. I know what I need to do and now it’s just a case.of being patient with myself and patient with the world and have faith it will all work out in the end. Blessed be 💜

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/online-mental-health/online-mental-health-tools/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/getting-help

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

mental health · personal blog

Depression tips 💜

I have taken this from a friend on Facebook, I didn’t write it but it has some very good techniques.

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Poundshop lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes.

Put on your favorite underwear. Those ridiculous boxers you were bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on? Put them on. Cute black lacy jobs? What ever. you know.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use a chunk of lime.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s basic. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, colour a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. 

*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that.

Find something to be grateful for!

I am trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.
#SuicideAwareness
#HaveARealConversation

mental health · personal blog

Birthday week!!

Having family that lives miles away can really suck sometimes, we can talk and facetime but it’s not the same as a real hug.

Being able to plan a few days away to see them all and spend time with them is awesome but when that falls on my birthday weekend it’s going to be carnage!!

There will be lots of laughs and lots of drinks, plenty of catch ups and probably a few tears but I am so excited!

I haven’t managed to stick to the healthy routine this week but I have got up everyday and done what has been needed and not felt like I have a black cloud over my head, probably because I have some thing to look forward to.

Back to normal next week with the diploma’s and meditation but for now I’m just enjoying the excitement bubbling all around! Blessed be 💜

knowledge · mental health · personal blog

Looking fresh!

Not me, the blog! I have changed the themes and colours, added some bits and removed some others. That’s the beauty of writing a personal blog, full creative control!

I always find these random places I want to visit or go too, a picture or story I find on the web which leads to a quick Google search and half an hour later I’m reading about myths and legends from centuries ago.

I have added a new page about my visit to Hever Castle last year and I really want to try and do some more about the places I visit and walks I go on. I love the history of my surroundings and enjoy learning new things.

I’m hoping I can become an amateur archaeologists one day, writing to make money and living in a van. It’s a dream! But for now I’m just soaking up as much information as is available and looking forward to my next new adventure! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling stuck.

I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.

I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.

My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?

It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

So, I did a thing!

If you haven’t noticed by now I like to change my mind a lot, I like to learn a lot and I like to give myself unrealistic expectations.

So with that I enrolled in an archaeology diploma! I’ve already completed two assesments with a pass mark of 100% and I’m so excited for the rest. I understand this does nothing for my career prospects but for my confidence and learning capacity it’s great!!

There are several other courses I have put on my wishlist that could help with making money so they will be the next step.

I’m still trying to move home although getting to the area I want is proving very difficult, I may have to broaden the search and hope for the best. The driving license isn’t any closer either every time I save up something happens and I need to spend the money, I’m still hoping on the lottery win.

I have plans, big plans that I want to do but wether or not I get there is down to me, I need to put the work in and I need to stop just saying these things but actually doing them! To the first step if many! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling exhausted.

I’m exhausted, not because I haven’t slept properly just because I feel like Im being drained.

I’m exhausted of constantly battling the thoughts in my head, I’m exhausted of trying to be positive and grateful when every part of my being just wants to crawl in a dark space and hide. I’m exhausted of overthinking every decision I make so I just don’t do anything, if it doesn’t get started I can’t fuck it up.

I have kept to my routine as much as physically possible this week, I have made myself move, talk and walk yet this cloud will not go away. I can’t go to the dark place of hiding and not moving because will I ever move again?

I am asking for any positivity and energy that can be sent my way, I have my crystals and will meditate for five mins every time I feel myself fall today. Blessed be 💜

All else fails, hug a tree!
mental health · personal blog

Feeling like I have let myself down.

The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.

You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.

It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be 💜

I made it, I’m still here.