Where do I fit in?

Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.

As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key.
When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.

Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason.
I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.

At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered.
My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.

Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜

2 thoughts on “Where do I fit in?

  1. Howdy! I could have sworn I’ve been to this blog before but after looking at a few of the articles I realized it’s new
    to me. Nonetheless, I’m definitely delighted
    I came across it and I’ll be bookmarking it and checking back often!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello, I just wanted to say thank you for following me. And I have read several of your post and I want to say Your feelings are valid, and it’s more people that need to hear you vent because it’s therapeutic to the soul to get the feelings out that are hard to handle. People need to see that. And having a record of your feelings allows you to go back and say hey I got over that that don’t bother me no more or it could say to you don’t go back to that place in life and warn you . When going through emotional or spiritual things it’s wonderful to keep a journal and maybe not something you want to publish all the details you can keep that private. Not saying what your doing ain’t perfect. Because it is. I’m just saying having a journal is mighty personal might not want all eyes on it. Don’t stop doing what your doing for sure. Because your helping people your helping me. I have something I want to tell you about me and my mom that may help you it may not. I just want to say this my mom has been deceased for a year now from brain cancer when the cancer started it was breast cancer and I’ll explain the story if you go to my email nowgroup99@mail.com. The just of it all I want to say it that your feelings are valid and granted how you feel is how you feel thats a honest feeling. And it’s a lot of people more than you know trying to process true feelings. I want to thank for having your outlet. Come by and visit the site anytime I update throughout the week I’m fairly new ( a year or so) I hope Covid didn’t do much damage to you are your family. Stay Safe Friend🥰 Much Love ❤️ Blessed Be.

    Liked by 1 person

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