A little insight into me.

I am a 30 something mother of one who has the fantastic privilege of being a sufferer of not only anxiety but also depression. I love my life on the good days as I have a fantastic husband and a wonderful support unit. Them bad days are all kinds of arseholes though!

I have begun my Spiritual Journey and am like a kid in a Sweet shop! everything is new and exciting, everything is making me feel all sorts of new ways. I’m researching a lot and would like to share my journey with you all from the very start.

So a little background for this first one, let’s get to know me. I’ve reached a point in my life I have always strived for, the stable and loving environment I have around me right now, the home I have, although not owned it is still my own and yet this is the point my depression and anxiety is at is worst. Why? Fuck knows maybe we can find out together!!

I’ve had therapy, I take medication, I take care of my house and my bills and my family yet there are still days I can’t get out of bed, days I’m sobbing for no apparent reason and I can’t stop. There are two types of crying days and I’m hoping I’m not the only one, sobbing and can’t move, snot all over my face and just want to hide away from everyone in the dark days and days where I’m trying so fucking hard to do the things I need to do, to carry on with the things I did yesterday or last week with no problems what so ever yet there are tears flowing down my cheeks and I can’t stop them, they are just there while I’m working, eating, cleaning it doesn’t matter. Them days suck, meet depression.

Anxiety days suck too. I don’t want to leave my house, I feel isolated and exposed at the same time, I don’t feel safe. Sometimes there are reasons for feeling like this, pressure from someone about something or a big change that I know is going to happen but sometimes there is no reason at all, like depression it has a mind of its own. It makes my heart race and my hands sweat, it’s different to depression as in it feels more physical, depression I know is in my head, it’s a battle with my brain I can understand that but my anxiety feels different in a more intense way, as I just can’t function. It makes me feel frozen within myself and that’s hard to explain or talk myself out of. It’s physical and it’s fucking frightening.

I have been through some really good times in my life and have also seen and experienced some really shitty things. I have had moments of elation and bliss but like most people they are few and far between, for now I want to tell you all about my happy place, the place when I have been in the worst of situations my brain takes me too to escape. I am 13 and am on holiday with my family, we was very lucky that my dad worked in the Aviation industry which allowed us to fly and visit some incredible places.

We are in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been too, Jamaica. There is no other teenagers or people my age at this resort at this time, they have a nanny that we had grown to love over the few years we had visited this wonderful resort that was usually full of people of all ages, she would always try to engage us in the children’s activities but this year I was far to old for the kids club and did not want to spend time with her or my little sister. I wanted to have fun, I wanted a holiday romance and to make connections with people I would never normally interact with as that is always my favourite part of a holiday, even to this day. I collect my CD Walkman and a book, I walk to the bar and ask for a banana daiquiri, heading to a small pier that was at the resort to sit on the edge with my feet in the water. I feel sad and alone, I feel teenage angst and possibly my illness, knowing what I know now but then I just felt in a bad mood. As soon as I put my headphones in, placed my feet in the water and looked out over the ocean it all went away, my breath was literally taken away by the beauty of nature, of the world and everything in it. I could see coral reefs full of life, fish and octopus casually going about their days oblivious of me and my mood, the waves washed over my feet in a rhythm I felt in my soul, the colours and smells, the calmness and peace, for that moment was mine. I am not sure how long I was sat there, how long I just watched the ocean and breathed with the rhythm of the waves but when I feel my illness taking over or the sheer panic pulse through my body that is always my happy place my mind takes me too.


So that’s me, that’s how I feel on a day to day basis and I’m hoping someone can relate, all the words written in my blog are my own opinions, any information I have shared is an interpretation of my own research and reading unless I have referenced something or someone specifically, then I will give the original author’s name and or blog. I’m still new to this and am finding my feet in the blog world, a small fish in a big pond that would like to have her voice heard. Any images used within this page have been taken by myself or taken from Google images and I do not own the rights to any of the Google images. I would like to think this is a safe space for anyone who doesn’t feel like they fit in anywhere, maybe we can not fit in together? I haven’t found my place in the world yet but I am enjoying trying new things and opening my mind up to all sorts of new ideas, people and information.



My trip to Hever Castle in Edenbridge.

I tend to look through these photos a lot because it was such a happy day for me, the weather was beautiful, I had some money in my pocket and I was with my favourite people. Its always a good day when I can be outside somewhere beautiful surrounded by water and history.

I took my time to look at all the pictures on the walls inside the castle, trying to memorise the faces and names knowing I probably wouldn’t remember many of them once I walked outside. I am always amazed when I see art or documents that are centuries old, trying to imagine who produced them and how they lived. I would end up day dreaming and walking down the corridors losing who I was with and ending up in a small room with people I didn’t know, frantically looking around I spot my husband and make a bee line towards the exit where they had been waiting for me.

The gardens are spectacular! lots of green hedges and garden ornaments, water gardens and little paths that lead to what felt like fairy land. Although it was fairly busy and we had to wait around half an hour to get into the actual castle I wasn’t to worried about not finding some quiet space, the walk around the lake alone would take you out of the busy grounds and to a much needed quiet space.

Hever castle began as a country house in the 13th century. From 1462 to 1539 it was the seat of the Boleyn family, Anne Boleyn the second queen of Henry the 8th of England spent her youth there, when Anne’s father dies in 1539 it was left in the possession of Henry who later bestowed it to another wife, Anne of cleaves in 1540 following the annulment of their marriage.

The oldest parts of the castle are the gatehouse and the walled bailey, dating back to 1270! In 1903 when it was acquired and restored by William Waldorf Astor who used it as a family home, he added the Italian garden to display his collection of ornaments.

I will surely go back again, to wonder around the grounds a bit more and to really take in the history, I have lots on my list of places to visit but I can imagine it takes a while to get bored of this beautiful place.


My Trip to Arundel Castle in West Sussex

I love to spend my time wandering around old historical buildings, especially Castles. I like to bring my family along for the walk too, although usually a little less enthusiastically. I can be lost for hours reading all the little posts of information, the old books left open on important pages and the paintings, I can imagine walking down the narrow corridors when it was bustling with life and servants, lords and lady’s, its fascinating to me.

Arundel has always been a favourite of mine and not just because it is the closest one to me, or that I have been going there since my first school trip in around year 4 but because I think it was the one that started the fascination of Castles, it was the first time I felt like history was going to be a subject that followed me throughout my education.

The grounds to Arundel are massive and the boast a beautiful rose garden, several fountains, Its own chapel with buried Dukes and Duchess’s as well as a kitchen garden, glass houses, a small bush maze, a collectors garden built as a memorial garden for the 14th Earl of of Arundel with a central canal and domed pergola.

There is over 1000 years of History at this castle, it began its life as a simple motte and bailey castle built in 1068 and then the gatehouse was added in 1070. King Henry the 1st gave the Castle and lands to his second wife, Adeliza of Louvain. Three years after the death of her husband she married William d’Albini 2nd who built the stone shell keep on the motte. King Henry the 2nd who built much of the oldest part of the stone castle in 1155 made William the 1st Earl of Arundel with the rights to the castle and all its lands. It has carried down this line to this day, including the Dukes of Norfolk and the famous Howard family who were major players throughout the 15th and 17th century. It is most famously known for housing two wives of King Henry the 8th, Anne Boleyn and Catherine Howard both between 1497 and 1547.

I am sure that I will come back to this castle one day, its a beautiful and calm place to be during the summer months and the small town of Arundel is also a beautiful place, with old feel pubs and olde world shops to little cafes, a massive Cathedral and a stunning river to walk along. A beautiful surrounding for an Amazing Castle.


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