A little insight into me.

I am a 30 something mother of one who has the fantastic privilege of being a sufferer of not only anxiety but also depression. I love my life on the good days as I have a fantastic husband and a wonderful support unit. Them bad days are all kinds of arseholes though!

I have begun my Spiritual Journey and am like a kid in a Sweet shop! everything is new and exciting, everything is making me feel all sorts of new ways. I’m researching a lot and would like to share my journey with you all from the very start.

So a little background for this first one, let’s get to know me. I’ve reached a point in my life I have always strived for, the stable and loving environment I have around me right now, the home I have, although not owned it is still my own and yet this is the point my depression and anxiety is at is worst. Why? Fuck knows maybe we can find out together!!

I’ve had therapy, I take medication, I take care of my house and my bills and my family yet there are still days I can’t get out of bed, days I’m sobbing for no apparent reason and I can’t stop. There are two types of crying days and I’m hoping I’m not the only one, sobbing and can’t move, snot all over my face and just want to hide away from everyone in the dark days and days where I’m trying so fucking hard to do the things I need to do, to carry on with the things I did yesterday or last week with no problems what so ever yet there are tears flowing down my cheeks and I can’t stop them, they are just there while I’m working, eating, cleaning it doesn’t matter. Them days suck, meet depression.

Anxiety days suck too. I don’t want to leave my house, I feel isolated and exposed at the same time, I don’t feel safe. Sometimes there are reasons for feeling like this, pressure from someone about something or a big change that I know is going to happen but sometimes there is no reason at all, like depression it has a mind of its own. It makes my heart race and my hands sweat, it’s different to depression as in it feels more physical, depression I know is in my head, it’s a battle with my brain I can understand that but my anxiety feels different in a more intense way, as I just can’t function. It makes me feel frozen within myself and that’s hard to explain or talk myself out of. It’s physical and it’s fucking frightening.

I have been through some really good times in my life and have also seen and experienced some really shitty things. I have had moments of elation and bliss but like most people they are few and far between, for now I want to tell you all about my happy place, the place when I have been in the worst of situations my brain takes me too to escape. I am 13 and am on holiday with my family, we was very lucky that my dad worked in the Aviation industry which allowed us to fly and visit some incredible places.

We are in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been too, Jamaica. There is no other teenagers or people my age at this resort at this time, they have a nanny that we had grown to love over the few years we had visited this wonderful resort that was usually full of people of all ages, she would always try to engage us in the children’s activities but this year I was far to old for the kids club and did not want to spend time with her or my little sister. I wanted to have fun, I wanted a holiday romance and to make connections with people I would never normally interact with as that is always my favourite part of a holiday, even to this day. I collect my CD Walkman and a book, I walk to the bar and ask for a banana daiquiri, heading to a small pier that was at the resort to sit on the edge with my feet in the water. I feel sad and alone, I feel teenage angst and possibly my illness, knowing what I know now but then I just felt in a bad mood. As soon as I put my headphones in, placed my feet in the water and looked out over the ocean it all went away, my breath was literally taken away by the beauty of nature, of the world and everything in it. I could see coral reefs full of life, fish and octopus casually going about their days oblivious of me and my mood, the waves washed over my feet in a rhythm I felt in my soul, the colours and smells, the calmness and peace, for that moment was mine. I am not sure how long I was sat there, how long I just watched the ocean and breathed with the rhythm of the waves but when I feel my illness taking over or the sheer panic pulse through my body that is always my happy place my mind takes me too.

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So that’s me, that’s how I feel on a day to day basis and I’m hoping someone can relate, all the words written in my blog are my own opinions, any information I have shared is an interpretation of my own research and reading unless I have referenced something or someone specifically, then I will give the original author’s name and or blog. I’m still new to this and am finding my feet in the blog world, a small fish in a big pond that would like to have her voice heard. Any images used within this page have been taken by myself or taken from Google images and I do not own the rights to any of the Google images. I would like to think this is a safe space for anyone who doesn’t feel like they fit in anywhere, maybe we can not fit in together? I haven’t found my place in the world yet but I am enjoying trying new things and opening my mind up to all sorts of new ideas, people and information.