my blog

Night time energy….

I love it when I get a burst of energy, I don’t love it so much when it comes at 9pm. I want to clean and tidy, I want to sort and organized and everyone else wants to chill out.

When I have these burst of energy during the day I know by evening the whole house will smell and look amazing, I’m always concerned it just means I will be awake all night when it arrives late.

I’m not sure what to do at this time to use my energy that doesn’t involve me being awake at midnight. I can’t sit still to read a book or meditate I could paint or draw I guess but that still involves sitting still. Can I justify sorting out all the towels and bed sheets etc….

I will start small and hope I’m not still pottering around at 1am. If anyone has any craft ideas feel free to send me some links! Blessed be 💜

Coming or going? Who knows!

I have two moods at the moment and switching between the two is getting exhausting. Happy me is cool, she gets shit done and meditates, she talks to people and is positive! Moody me is draining, always bored and tired, never has any motivation to rectify this situation and expects everyone else to it all for her but without her having to communicate a thing!

I can start the day one way and end the other but trying to purposefully change them, impossible! I have to remind myself to catch my negative thoughts, I’m constantly analysing every word that flows through my brain to the point I can’t tell what’s right and what’s made up.

This is where therapy and self care come into saving me from my mental health, being my escape from my own brain. Meditation is best for this but it’s not always possible to get into the right mind set, you have to think of it as training. It’s a muscle you need to make strong to be able to use it to it’s best potential so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to figure it out, I’m still learning every time.

If you are struggling then take some time out for yourself, tell yourself you need to time to recharge. Take a hot bath or read a book or article you have been wanting too. Go for a walk to somewhere you have never been before or your favourite spot, just be in nature for a while. There are so many ways that you can self care just find the ones you enjoy and take time to really enjoy them, savour them and in your times of need, revisit them.

Thank you for reading more of my ramblings, if I struggle to figure myself out I do wonder what you all must think? Today I send you all love and light, positive energy and acceptance. Whoever you are and wherever you are, love yourself! Blessed be 💜

Never to old.

I have been struggling with the concept of starting all over again in my 30s the last few weeks, being made redundant has made me rethink all the decisions I have made. I have a few qualifications in a few different things but I have never found the place where I have felt at home, am I searching for a concept that doesn’t exist? I have heard from varied people that the key to life is being able to be payed for what you love.

Unfortunately for me the fields of interest I have don’t really reward a big payday unless you train from a young age and end up lecturing at a university, other than me writing a best selling book I’m going to have to go back to the grind of a 9-5 job. With applying for benefits to try and help me through this time to pay the bills i have come across something that makes me excited, something i really was not expecting!

I am entitled to some free courses at my local college to train in a new career, to get some skills and help myself get into something I might enjoy, carpentry! I like to build things but do not have many skills, I like to pretty things up and take things apart and this will help with that skill, it is something I can do self employed so can work the hours I need. It is the most random skill I could have picked, especially knowing in my lifetime I have been a retail staff member, a nursery nurse, bar staff, a chef, pub manager, a tech records assistant and now carpenter, why not!

this is the first time in a long time I’m excited about something that isn’t my spirituality path and I can not wait to get started! wish me luck, Blessed be

World mental health day.

Today is world mental health day, a day to try and be kind to everyone, we all have our demons and everyone deserves kindness.

There are lots of platforms to reach out too if you are struggling. We are lucky here in the UK to have the NHS, sometimes you have to fight to be heard but please don’t stop fighting. Talking to anyone can help, the Samaritans or mind or even a friend.

Whatever you are struggling with you are not alone, there is help available for you, you just need to reach out. I know that in itself can be terrifying but think of it as the first step back to you.

We are strong, we are worth all the love that we receive and give ourselves. Blessed be. 💜

Adding to my crystal collection.

As I was walking through my local town center today I spotted an unusual stool I hadn’t noticed. It had so many beautiful crystals, Himalayan salt lamps, dreamcatchers and native American pictures. I was in awe! I took it as a sign that I was due a few more crystals to help raise my vibration and cheer me up.

I bought some beautiful raw emerald, pyrite, aquamarine, selenite stick, purple howler and and a beautiful agate slice of amythyst which I gave to my daughter. Coming home and adding them to my collection makes me feel good, when I wake up tomorrow and say my affirmation I have more sparkling items to make me smile.

I need to ensure I’m completing my morning routine everyday as I really notice the difference when I don’t. It’s my new form of self sabotage it seems, I will beat this and I will gain control again. I can only be responsible for myself and my own reactions and as long as I am aware and trying to make a difference for my future then I’m proud!! Blessed be 💜

Keeping your calm can be the best thing to do.

Today has been a test. It has tested me more than it has in a very long time but I managed to keep my cool and hold down my reaction, to talk it through reasonably and express myself the way I wanted too.

The stress and emotional abuse our family has received from my mother, it doesn’t even sound right calling her that, from this woman who destroyed everything is getting beyond a joke. She has pushed buttons for reactions, made false accusations to make her sound like a victim and is making my poor dad’s life a living hell.

We have a while to wait for proceedings of my parents divorce so it means it won’t be the end of the instigations from her but I’m just proud I have learned not to react to them, not to say the things she wants to hear, not to even get emotional. It has taken years of therapy and CBT to get to this point.

All I can do is be there for my dad, continue supporting him and each other until this awful time is over. I will have my time where I can say my piece and it won’t effect anyone else, I can do it in a calm and effective manor. Explain to her exactly how her actions have impacted each and everyone of us and never have contact again.

Thank you for all your continued support and kind words, it means so much to me to get them. You are wonderful people and I will be continuing to work on myself and making sure I’m a good person! Blessed be.

David Attenborough, real legend.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit disheveled, still sleepy and unsure what to do with my day. My half asleep brain thought David Attenborough’s new documentary on Netflix would be good morning TV.

As much as I love watching nature, as much as I love and respect that man so much I have realised, we as humans suck. It is really hard to have one part of me that’s wants to bring us all together, to teach and inform every generation of mistakes made and problems solved. Yet another part of me hates people, I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations, I hate expressing myself to be belittled and looked at like I’m crazy.

I don’t know what world I’m leaving to my daughter but all I can do is my part. I am a very small fish in an ocean but I’m trying! Adding this to the pressure already constantly in my head is not good but also necessary. I just don’t know what to do that can make a difference. Any ideas? Blessed be.

Not all days are good or bad, some are just meh.

All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.

Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?

I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.

Feeling supported.

There aren’t many mornings I wake up with energy so I make the most of them. I have been to town and replenished my candles as well as grabbing some incense, I have done all my housework and have the second load of washing on.

It doesn’t seem like much and in the grand scheme of things its not but for me it is a win! I am still looking for work, still unsure of what I actually want to do. I am still trying to find my yoga routine a slot but it seems to differ each day.

I want to share some of the positive energy I have today with you all, I want to help anyone struggling to human today. You are amazing, you are worth all the love you receive and you are not alone. Blessed be.

Building my vision board.

Another way I’m trying to help my motivation to get back to the normal world of people is a vision board, more self help books and blogs have helped me start my journal so the next thing I think will help is a vision board.

On there I have; find a job and spend more time with my family, to do more yoga and remember to meditate everyday. I just need to do one thing every time I walk past and read it and I’m winning!

Sunday has always been housework day but since I’m not at work I have noticed its a lot easier to do it on Monday when there is no one in the house so Sundays have become the lazy day, if only I had a working oven I could cook a big sunday roast! Alas it’s sausage, egg, beans and chips. Another British classic!

I hope that you are all enjoying your Sunday, I hope you have family and warmth, love and light, peace and calm. Blessed be.

Moving forward.

All anyone can do in these very uncertain times is just move forward, and that is my only goal for next week, to move forward. Not be stagnant and scared, not be worried and overwhelmed. I want to make positive steps to make my life better, to try and help my mental health and get my life back to me being in control, or at least as much control as everyone else has right now.

My first plan is to start my daily journal, I have always said my journal is not private as I write my thoughts and feelings down here for everyone to read but I think I need a daily, private and just for me to reflect journal. I have been reading another wonderful book called the witch’s book of self care by Arin Murphy-Hiscock that has lovely ideas for a journal, how you can plan one out so even on days that nothing happens you have things to enter. I am going to start my new journal ritual in the morning when i light my candles and say my Affirmation.

The weather hasn’t been helping the situation either, I have never thought of my self as having seasonal depression as it has always been with me but I can definitely understand the basis of it, the sunshine really does make everything better. I do enjoy a walk in the rain sometimes but I am not a big fan of the cold so if it is windy too I’m out!

Moving forward no matter how small the steps are still counts, even if all you managed to do was get up, dressed and eat something then you have covered your basics, just try again tomorrow to add one more thing to the list, apply for a few jobs on your phone, tidy up the house a bit or do some washing. As long as your moving forward you are trying and I’m proud of you. Blessed Be.

Now is the time, to do what exactly?

Unfortunately I feel very much back at square 1 right now, like so many other people during these uncertain times I have been made redundant. Through no fault of anyone or anything other than the situation of the world right now, the pandemic, the virus and everything else that seems to be brewing around too. I have been trying really hard to keep up my routine, to find some solace in anything I can to stop me falling into the darkness.

The whole idea of job searching is exhausting and terrifying. The process of meeting new people and putting myself out in a world I feel I haven’t really been a part of since last year has my anxiety so high. The idea of the world that is out there, the world I am raising my family in is also just as terrifying. Depression seems to like that one, it keeps asking what my intentions are when the whole world falls apart, I don’t have any!? die with the masses I guess…. and there is it’s reason to get me into bed and just not bother.

Where is my drive? Where is the woman who was fearless and an adrenaline junkie? who loved a challenge and fought hard for the things she believed in? I don’t know anymore. I thought she was still in there somewhere, I thought she had found her feet again and was getting ready to stand tall but when I need her the most she’s hiding in the pit of my stomach screaming at me! Square one again.

With trying to stay positive I have updated my CV which at least makes me sound like a productive member of society who is capable of holding down a job, I have considered higher education at the ripe old age of 33, A levels in English and History as they are my two passions in life and to carry on with my spiritual learning, still wanting to find someone to connect with on this, to help guide me, as with everything now I just feel lost.

Now is the perfect time for me to decide what it is exactly I want to do, what makes me happy? what would mix my passions and be able to make me an income? or is that asking too much? do I focus on myself and my mental health first and worry about work later? do I just get a job for now and figure things out along the way? do I make a plan and stick to it to further my education?

For now I’m going to apply for a few jobs I really am interested in hoping my new updated CV gets me a look, I am then going to make a hot cup of tea, find a comfy spot and read some self care books. I have increased my collection substantially over the last few months, so much so I have had to purchase a new bookcase to store all my books together, better get reading! Blessed be and thankyou for reading, all of your support and nice comments really makes me feel I have a purpose, if 1 person can read and relate to what my crazy brain spits out I feel a little less isolated.

Sliding down to climb back up.

I am constantly reminded that my illness has a mind of its own. I have been a bit up and down the last few weeks, trying to stay motivated and keeping things running but sometimes it’s just so hard.

It’s hard not to let my mood effect the people around me, it’s hard to not want to be around the people you love. You know that you are hurting their feelings by reacting the way you are but you can’t stop that voice in your head saying all these nasty things, you just have to not repeat them.

The negativity surrounds you like a cloud and no matter how hard you try to blow it away it seems to just grow bigger. So to get out of my own head I need to make others smile, I need to concentrate on making someone else happy and then maybe it will lift my cloud.

I will be cleansing my crystals, watering my flowers, meditating and doing anything my family ask for to give me some direction, some plan and reason to this blurry mess right now. Blessed be 💜

Happy birthday blog!!

Today marks the one year anniversary of me starting my blog. I haven’t achieved every thing I wanted too but I still feel I have done something.

I have lots of followers on several platforms, I have written about my everyday life by not gone into some details I wanted too. There is still time! I have raised over £100 for charity by doing a 8 mile walk and I have boosted my confidence.

I shared my spiritual journey with you all and have several pages within my blog for inspirational meme’s, things I enjoy doing and the charity walk I have done. If you could all just visit my page, add a comment and help me make year two the year I take off!! I have so much still to share with you all and can’t wait to see what year two brings.

Thank you all so much for being with me during this difficult time, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and comment on my questions, it really does mean everything to me! Blessed be 💜

Is there a bully group chat!?

I shared my post with you guys last week about bullying, about the issues my daughter was facing and that I understood how she feels. And then I get a follow request from one of my bullies!?

I had a problem with this “woman” since I was in my teens. She looks down her nose at me and called me all sorts of names. Fast forward ten years and She then decided to sleep with my fiance and get pregnant, don’t get me wrong he certainly enjoyed the fact of how much we dislike each other too.

Following this I get approximately three years of abuse. Calls in the middle of the night, text messages full of nasty comments, coming up to me in the street anytime she saw me, again shouting abuse wether my daughter was there or not. It finally ended after I had a harassment order and restraining order placed against her.

Welcome back to today! I haven’t heard, seen or had any contact since 2014 until I have the police called for my daughter then pops up a follow request. I deleted and ignored but it’s playing on my mind.

Why do bullys feel the need to check in? I’ve had messages from my daughter’s bullies asking me how dare I bring the police into this…. I’ve had requests from my bullies suddenly popping up. What the hell is happening!?

So today is a day of cleansing. I will be burning my sage sticks around the house and myself, I will be setting up my crystal grid so promote positive vibes and cleansing energies and may even attempt a clear all curses spell, just to make sure!! I hope you all enjoy your wonders day!

Please visit my blog and read about my sponsored walk I’m completing on the 5th sept for an amazing little boy. We need to raise as much as we possibly can and I would really appreciate all the help we can receive for him!! Blessed be.

I hate bullies.

Bullying can be detrimental to your mental health at any age. When you are in school and its the people you are supposed to be friends with, it can lower self esteem horribly. I have been on this journey called bullying for many years, I have experienced it, I have done it and now I am witnessing it being done to my daughter daily without any means to stop it or help her get through it.

When it first began I did what any normal parent would do and I spoke to the school she was in, they moved her around classes and took her out of the form tutor she was in to remove her from the bully’s line of fire but it still continued. I then removed her from this school entirely as it was getting to the point she was having anxiety attacks on the way to school for fear of violence, threats or constant name calling.

Once she had settled in to her new school and had made a couple of friends that when the harassment started online. They could no longer get to her at school and she had withdrawn from going out to socialise so the online harassment continued.

Several months had passed under lockdown and it seemed that had new things to entertain themselves with yet one week ago it all began again…. constant name calling and put downs, messaging friends and family because she had blocked them all on every level and every platform so at my wits end I called the police. The officers that came to our house and sat and read through all of the messages were lovely, very sympathetic and tried very hard to remind my daughter that she has just as much right to go out and have fun as they do. I can not express my gratitude to these two officers enough, my daughter felt comfortable enough opening up to them and talking to them about her issues and they told her that they would always be there to protect her if she needed it.

I wish I could sit here and tell you everything is wonderful now but it isn’t, they still walk past the house shouting things at her window, they still talk about her to anyone they can and they still insist on messaging her friends. I am just hoping that it eases the pressure of my daughter for a while, that she feels she can go out and socialize without fear of violence or threats. My only concern is her, how she feels and what ways she can express herself without fear of ridicule or second guessing everything she does because a hurtful group of girls just don’t know when to quit, I just try to tell her you can only control yourself, you are not responsible for their actions, only your own, just be the good, kind and caring person you are and the right people for you will find there way.

Is there any other way I could have handled this? does anyone have any advice? I feel the police was my last straw and if it doesn’t stop where do I go from here? I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Blessed Be.


It seems I am the only one I’m my country who is loving the weather right now. Don’t get me wrong sleeping is a nightmare and it’s the only time I’ve ever wished for air con in England but sunshine always makes me feel better.

I slept in my garden last night for a few hours as it is cooler, I love being closer to nature and the night time sounds and beautiful colours of the night sky always help lift my mood, even when I can’t sleep. It makes a change to be up because of the heat and not my mental health.

I hope everyone is staying hydrated and cool, keeping calm and looking after each other. Blessed be 💜

To be grateful…

What am i grateful for? Lots really. I have an awesome support unit with my husband, my sister, my dad and my daughter, I have a great support unit far an wide with family all over the country. I have a home I love even if I am thinking of leaving it. I am grateful for life, for waking up every morning, be it a good mood or bad, for wanting to heal myself and for starting this journey I had talked about for so long.

Yesterday was a good day, the sun was out and I got the pool out, BBQ food was amazing and I do love feeding my family. I dont have many talents but I can cook! My alter is constantly being changed and bits added or removed I just love meditating surrounded by my plants and incense, candles and lights. It’s my happy place.

If I could ask all you lovely people to please please click on my blog and read my page about Jacobs Journey, it’s a charity walk I am doing to raise money for a very special little boy. Any donations received will be amazing. Pop a comment on the page so I can try to keep track. Blessed be ♥️

The beautiful sunshine!

what is it about the sunshine that makes everything feel a bit better, and everyone want to day drink? don’t get me wrong I’m always down for a beer in the sun but unless you are on holiday and by the pool or ocean its just not the same. I miss holidays, not that I can afford one right now but the idea of planning one sounds amazing.

Instead I have had another wonderful idea, I’m going to move miles away from my home town and start a new life by the sea! great idea, pain in the arse to sort out. I am actually one of the lucky people that has a council house to swap the problem is finding someone who wants to move away from there beautiful little sea side town to my not so nice and near an airport town. I think I will be waiting a while.

so for now I can concentrate on getting my driving license, saving for a car and getting myself ready for the charity walk in September. if you haven’t already please can you pop over to my website, on my homepage I have all the information on Jacobs Journey and how you can help me, help an little boy in need. Blessed Be.

Every little helps.

I am back, who missed me? no I didn’t either. I have added a new page to my blog and I am asking all you lovely people to pop over and have a look for me, please! its for a great cause and I’m trying to help out a friend. I am doing a sponsored 8 mile walk and its going to be painful, I’m praying it doesn’t rain. I will pop a link at the bottom of this page to the charity and cause I am walking for.

I have been a bit of a rollercoaster the last few weeks, every good day is followed by two shit ones but I am trying to stick to my routine. water the flowers, meditate and do yoga. eat healthier (Although chocolate and coffee are my two favourite things at the moment) but there are still days I’m fighting my mental health. Just a reminder that this battle will never be won, I will never be cured just manageable.

and then you read stories about Jacob, he and his whole family are such and inspiration for perseverance. you need it, and hope, love, support. all those things matter and can make all the difference in life. I am going to hug my loved ones a little bit tighter tonight, tell them I love them just one more time. Blessed Be

To read more about Jacob’s project and how to support him, please visit:

Feeling frazzled.

I feel like I have made some important decisions in the last few days, implementing them however is not going to be easy. My book is coming, the first few chapters just seemed to flow but now I am diving into the details it is not so flowy after all!

I will carry on and try to make some sense and flow to my story, I like the language and the story I have planned but like the rest of my life its the details that are screwing me over, and my impatient nature. I am my own worst enemy sometimes. Then I start to question everything and it all doesn’t make sense again, when can you tell the difference between your own intuition and the fears and reactions of your mental illness? not asking for a friend.

everything I want to do and aim at doing requires me to be motivated, for me to make decisions and stick with them and work hard because your dreams and wishes don’t just fall in your lap, but where do I begin? I have put myself out there, I have asked for help, I have applied and opened myself up so much more than I would do normally.

For now I will just keep doing what I’m doing, keep moving forward and trying to figure out what it is I actually want and how I am going to achieve these things, oh and writing my book. Blessed Be.

Guess who’s writing a book…

I have started! The plan is in motion! My book has begun!

I started writing at the beginning of the last weekend and got completely immersed. I’m sorry I haven’t been writing much, well on here anyway. Do you want a snippet? Just a paragraph? Ask and you shall receive.

I finally have a story I want to write, a plan of what the story is and how it’s going to end. It has given me some motivation which is good because my mood the last few days has been down.

I feel the need to get away. To go somewhere rich in history and nature and be by myself. No responsibility, no plans and no outside influences. Just me, nature and the spirits. An awakening if you will, a spiritual journey. I really feel like I need it.

Until then I will just try to lose myself in my own fantasy world I’m creating. Where anything could happen and the smallest thing can mean greatness. I have signed up to do some volunteer work and hope doing things for others might help me find myself. Blessed be ♥️

I need a side hustle.

I have been furloughed now until October, not much work on and I work for a small business. I love my job and have no intention of leaving so I need a side hustle to make ends meet. Any recommendations?

I unfortunately don’t have many qualifications on paper, not for the things I would like to do on the side. Writing mainly other than my blog and my passion for ideas I don’t really have much to offer, I have no skill. But… my plants are still alive, going into week two and I have no brown leaves and no droopy flowers, I’m looking good so far!

Its been a mixed day of feelings today, I have been up and down like a rollercoaster but luckily I have had my crazy daughter making me smile, she is hilarious sometimes. My reminder that there is always something to work and to fight for, to remind me that there is always a pair of eyes watching me and she learns from me. I must be good and do good, to be able to raise good, and she is amazing.

I am off to meditate on todays mixed emotions and give thanks for the love and support that I have, to give thanks for the beautiful soul that saved my life in so many ways, the only one who calls me mum. Blessed be.

The gardening begins,

My personality is impulsive and impatient. Not the best combination to have when I want to learn new things or pick up a skill. I want to know it all and I want to know it now and I want to be perfect straight away. Even though I’m aware of what stupid and ridiculous pressures I am putting on myself I still get frustrated when it takes me a while to understand or learn new things.

The growing my garden from scratch wasn’t working so I resorted to buying flowers and creating a indoor garden space, I just have to keep them alive and that really cant be that hard if I’m trying right!? water them once on cold days and twice on hot days, just a little spritz to make the earth damp, don’t create a puddle. talk to them and let them know I love them. I have raised a child, kept a Husband alive for 8 whole years and had several cats so why are plants so different?

The back garden space is a lot cleaner and clearer now, I have power washed both the small patios and whacked back all the weeds and stinging nettles. I have a small wild flower garden spaced off at the back where I have been putting lots of seeds down, I’m hoping its going to be a beautiful small meadow next year! its still not done and no where near an outside oasis but at least it looks like a maintained plain back garden now, oh! and I got a small orange tree, its the cutest little thing I have ever seen!

Please visit my site and see my other pages, I have inspirational meme’s and pages of things I have learnt. I am going to write a gardening page and put up some pictures of my little indoor oasis so if you are interested please pop over and say hi! Blessed Be.

Where can you buy a green thumb?

Good evening world!! I am positive and have very much enjoyed my day. I walked 10,000 steps and purchased some beautiful flowers to put in my alter corner. It is alive with prettys and succulents and crystals and words…. It is my happy place.

Unfortunately I do not have a green thumb, I have tried to grow herbs and small items from scratch and they start to grow but then flop and die, I dont know what I’m doing wrong. Over watering them? Under watering them? To much sun or not enough? If I have to grow a green thumb then I think I’m fucked. Bad times!

So for now I will just try my hardest to keep these items alive and happy maybe the meditation music and my positive energy while meditating will help them grow. One can hope. Enjoy this beautiful evening people and don’t forget to water your plants! Blessed Be.

Clean slate

Over the last few weeks I have been sorting out the house, decluttering and removing everything I don’t need, moving things around to get the best use out of them and making our home flow a bit better.

Unfortunately that resulted in a pile of old crap in the garden that needed to be thrown away and the local dump has been busy everyday since they was able to reopen. I wasn’t risking it so I called a company and got them to do it for me.

So now my house is clear and tidy and the rubbish in the garden is gone, I need to get out and do some gardening to bring it back to life. I was hoping the thunderstorms last night would reduce the temperature a bit today but no such luck. To garden or not to garden.

I will start my day as normal with a cup of tea and meditation, I thank the Goddess for this beautiful day and speak my daily affirmation. Blessed Be everyone, may today bring you all light. Love and positivity ❤️

I love the sunshine!

I feel like I must be the only one in the whole of my country who is loving this heat wave! I don’t have to leave the house, I can put a paddling pool in my garden and sit in it and drink wine, I can meditate and tan myself at the same time. Where is the worry in this? I understand its hot, and too anyone who had to leave the house in this heat, I hope you stayed hydrated and I will try to send you some energy to get you back to the cool shade if you need it. Summer has been and always shall be, my favourite season!

Positive vibes just seem to shine from me when I’m in the sunshine, even more if I’m in a pool and then turning to radiation when you add in sandy beaches, cocktails and beautiful scenery. I want a holiday but I will settle for the warmth of the sun in my garden for now.

New succulents are on order among a few new witchy bits, Etsy is great for these things but bad for my bank balance. I love supporting small businesses and always feel that things from them have that little extra bit of love. I am going to enjoy the weather and the heat, feel the love and warmth of the Goddess all around me today, I am so grateful for the positivity I have received and will send it back out with a little loved wrapped around. If you need it just like or comment and I will send you all some love. Blessed Be.

I know wasn’t alone today.

I have had an extra bit of energy today, a little helping hand with my mood. I was organized and productive, I was positive and happy, I was not lazy or snappy. Who am I? Some days you win and today was definitely a win. I Spent some time with my daughter bonding over Disney films and how much Maths sucks, why teach one way then change it all around? I don’t know the way they teach you, only the way I know!

The weather was beautiful and I managed to meditate in the garden for a while, until I could feel the sun begin to burn my head, I filled up the small paddling pool we have in anticipation for the hot weather due, cue good old English rain.

Thank you for all the positive vibes you guys have been sending back I truly am feeling them, I know I am not alone and I have people watching over me and people on my side. tomorrow is about giving back in any way I can, to the birds or the children, the support unit or total strangers. we need a bit more nice in the world. Blessed be.

I have a home office!

I feel very grown up today, all prepared and organized in my little office corner. Normally my PC is in my bedroom as I have a habit of researching things and watching videos until the early hours of the morning but now I have turned the bay window in my front room into a proper little office. I can watch the world go by and it is a sun trap so its nice and warm, plus, the best bit is I can still fit the cat stand in here so I have my office and my cats! win win!

I have come along way with my blog this month, I have grown my followers and have had a lot more interaction, I have refined my page to the best of my ability and am sharing things I really care about but I just don’t know how to take it to the next level? I have noticed some of the blogs I follow have hundreds and thousands of followers, how do I do that? is it just time that allows that many? is there a trick I am missing? would someone have any tips and tricks I should know?

Any interaction or advice anyone has please feel free to comment and let me know! I’m sending out positive vibes to anyone who needs them today, I am feeling supported and enlightened today and would like to share it with anyone who needs some. Blessed Be.

A beacon of positivity

Today is a good day people ♥️ I have woken up refreshed and alive! Ready for the week ahead and full of positivity. My cards agree too it’s my time to shine.

I have a few ideas for a book now, I’m going to attempt to put them to paper, well, computer screen. See how they turn out, If it’s a short story and not the book I was after I might start a short story page too share them with you. Moving the working from home station to a more sunny position this week. That should help the motivation as I can watch the world go by.

The solstice was amazing, I got to watch so many videos of talented people singing and playing instruments, reading stories and poetry. I can’t wait for next year when I can actually go and meet some of these amazing people. I feel I got so much positive energy sent to me and I tried to send mine right back. Anyone who needs some love today, some energy or just some reassurance, I am here and you are amazing!! Blessed be.

Just me and the birds again.

It is the summer solstice! It’s the day I’ve been waiting for all week. And I haven’t slept at all! I’ve been up all night watching conspiracy theories (I love a good conspiracy to solve) and I’m still rather alert at the moment, I am hoping I still am at sunset. I have my plans for today and my ritual all set up I’m just hoping I can stay awake.

But still being up with the birds again is nice. Watching the sky get light and the longest day wake up is refreshing even if I couldn’t see the sunrise from my little back garden.

Considering my mood yesterday I feel remarkably positive for someone who had no sleep, I should probably meditate and raise my vibration for today. So I’m going to that now. I hope you all have a wonderful Litha Sabbat and enjoy the longest day. I will send out all the positivity I have and hopefully I receive some back! Blessed be.

what is the moon doing to me!?

Today has been a struggle, I don’t know about anyone else but I have not managed to do anything productive today. I did my cards and I meditated for a little while this morning, I cooked for the fam as they still need to eat but I couldn’t manage to eat anything myself. I have always had a strange relationship with food, I either eat it all or have two bites and say I’m done, and today I couldn’t even manage one bite, I just done feel right. I feel sick and lethargic, I feel stressed but with no real reason to be and my anxiety has been driving me nuts today! hands constantly sweating and my heart just deciding to race for no reason. I feel tired but I cant sleep. I have written out so many messages today and just decided not to send them, I know the mood I’m in I would snap at someone who doesn’t deserve it just because of my mood, so I just avoided all contact today, you know the saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all” well that’s todays moto.

I know the moon is in retrograde, I know that emotions are running high everywhere right now and the world doesn’t need another grumpy opinion so I’ve stayed pretty quiet today. I want to send out positive vibes and I want to send out good feelings but I cant even share that with myself today. Its been a struggle but there is tomorrow. Blessed Be.

Thankyou for being with me today.

I felt the presence of someone today, or maybe a few people or spirits. I felt like I have been guided and it has opened my heart. The more I try, the more I seem to be getting closer to something. I’m not 100% sure what it is yes but I know I’m headed in the right direction at least.

I wanted to but the ingredients to make pasties and a big sausage roll on Saturday for the solstice. Comfort food is the way to go, but then my oven broke, I can’t fix it or replace it right now so I wont be baking anything anytime soon. I can however go to the fresh bakers across the road from me as the make lovely pastry’s. Innovative dinner ideas from now on, although I am lucky I still have a stove top, a grill and a BBQ.

In the Grimoire I have, that has become my new best friend has lovely recipes and ideas for the solstice and I am super excited to be part of something. I have various platforms I can watch the celebrations on and am still debating whether or not to visit Stonehenge on Saturday. I have no idea if I can, who would be there? are we allowed to the path around Stonehenge? It is a silly idea in this time? I would just like to reach out to like minded people and have a face to face conversation with someone who understands what I’m talking about. I don’t know but I really want too. Regardless I will be eating, dancing and making blessing’s for all my nearest and dearest, I will be letting go of all the negativity and opening myself up for the fresh start and new beginning. Blessed Be.

The endless possibilities, but why does my heart still hurt?

I have been trying today to take myself that step higher, that step further within my beliefs and spirituality. I have read a lot of articles surrounding the rewire your own brain formula. it is very similar to my therapy when you break it down in to basic terms, just don’t think them thoughts, don’t give them your energy. It all sounds so simple but it is what works. With meditation and belief, opening up your heart and your mind and just accepting who you are. understanding no one is perfect but we should always be kind, that just because you don’t agree with someone’s way of thinking, if it doesn’t affect anyone, then you have no right to judge. Maybe I’m wrong?

I don’t normally comment on hate post’s on social media, I am not the argue through the screen type normally, well to be honest I tend to shy away from conflict completely unless it is absolutely necessary but I always try to stand my ground. I watched a video earlier, an amazing young boy was doing a makeup tutorial and he was good, I mean, make up artist/ drag queen perfection! he had talent! I was in awe of him for the entirety of the video and couldn’t help but notice the top comment, it was awful The hate and judgement and bullying of this poor boy for doing what he obviously loves. It really makes my heart hurt, and that’s what I said. I was no prepared for the comments I would get!

It makes sad and worried for humanity sometimes. The hate and judgement and nasty comments from people who dont even know this boy. That’s enought internet for today. I just wanted to share this to put out some love, to give anyone who is reading this a little piece of my energy to help with your day, to share good thoughts and positive vibes as the world really needs more of that. Blessed be.

I love the smell of rain.

I woke up this morning before the alarm went off, had a few minutes in bed to be grateful for waking up again, to be grateful for everything that I have and will have, for the raising of my vibration this morning. I can feel it. The sun was shining through the cracks in the curtains and I could feel it was going to be warm and muggy today. Did my normal routine, cuppa, cards and yoga. Attempted a workout again but died again. I think I might stick to yoga!

Then it started to rain… I absolutely love the smell of the rain, people tell me I’m crazy when I say I can smell the rain if it’s coming but I genuinely can! It’s fresh and earthy, its refreshing and energising and it’s one of my favourite smells. When I’m down a walk through the woods in the rain is normally a good way to appreciate the world and nature we live in. Blessed be.

Mind, Body….. control?

As I filled you all in on my morning I wont delve too deep into that. I went for a walk today, I tried to get out to a beauty spot that is about 40 minutes away from where I live but apparently I had the same idea as everyone else in my county. this place is beautiful, I really wish I had pictures to share but hopefully soon. so instead we went for a drive, it was nice just have the window down and the wind blowing my hair, we had the music up and it was lovely. I’m very lucky to have my sister and her car around when I get these good but bad ideas, I mean I’m lucky to have her in general but especially that she listens to my crazy schemes.

I came home and meditated, I planned out the pieces I needed for my ritual on Saturday and managed to get all my washing done, like everything! dried and folded. not put away but a win is a win. I have been very focused on my mental health and making myself feel better I feel sometimes I neglect the people around me. I don’t mean too, I just get so focused on my thoughts, or ignoring them more to the point, I can only understand when I’m told. I’m either all or nothing, them or me and that’s a balance I’m struggling with at the moment. is that normal? am I selfish? a question I constantly ask myself.

All I can do, and all I do is ask everyone all the time if they are ok, if there is anything I can do. So much so I think I just get automatic responses now. I just hope the people around me know I am there for them like I know they are there for me. I watched a very interesting program this evening about rewiring your own brain, that re-fire means rewire I cant go to much into detail as its late and this is a lot of information to digest but I’m very interested, can I change my thought process? can I rewire it to make me happy and to achieve? is it really that simple? I guess there is only one way to find out. Blessed be.

Starting positive!

I know it’s only 10am but I thought I would post my morning win with you all. I woke up at 9am with my alarm, made a cup of tea and read my cards for today. I need to have faith in myself and believe to achieve! I meditated for a little while and then did a morning work out (absolutely unheard of for me) but it’s helped get my energy levels up!

I’m now in the garden enjoying the sunshine before I get in the shower and start my day. I think I’m going to walk and feed the birds, to tidy and sort out the house and then make something creative. Maybe draw and update some of my book of Shadows. Day 1 of starting again, success!! Blessed be.

Starting again… again.

I had told myself a fresh start was coming on Monday, although I feel like I may have had a bit of a head start today. I had felt the best I had in a long time and I feel my faith and beliefs have really given me something to focus on but like always when you feel like you have everything under control your mental health comes to let you know it hasn’t gone anywhere and its not that easy. My brain chatter has been trying its best to get me back into bed all day for the last few weeks, its been a struggle but I feel it is, at least, only half winning.

the morning routine has kind of gone and my getting up time has gone from 9am back to 12pm, that needs sorting first. I have updated and sorted out my Alter space which makes me happy. I have all the things I love in one place and a place I can go and be peaceful and me. I have been reading all about the coming Solstice still and am excited to be able to do my first ritual on Saturday.

The weather has been a bit shit where I am in sunny old England and I’m really hoping I can cleanse and charge my crystals tomorrow, I feel like I have drained my necklace this week and it needs charging. I do enjoy being able to sit in the garden and cleanse my crystals with sage in the sun, I like to cast a circle and meditate as it is the most peaceful feeling in the world. I’ve been saying for years about getting a driving license and am yet to achieve this, I have a provisional and I have passed my theory test but I just have never really wanted it to much but I see all these beautiful places around my country and always think, I want to go there! but the public transport prices are a joke. For now I will just enjoy the pieces of beautiful nature near where I live and my own Garden, Blessed Be.

We can’t always be peace and light.

I woke up yesterday with the full intention of only giving out good vibrations, to only receive good energy. It was working until about 2pm. I don’t know what changed other than my mood but I just couldn’t shake this angry and frustrated mood. I did the worse thing possible and thought maybe a drink would cheer me up, it didn’t obviously.

I sat up until 4am watching some very interesting documentaries quietly boiling over completely nothing. I think I need to do some energy configuration and healing. But due to my dumb antics last night I just want to eat and slob around. As always there is always tomorrow. Until there isn’t. All any of us can do is try and do our best and be our best, but no-one is perfect and we are allowed bad days. Blessed be.

I found some peace today.

I finally had a good nights sleep last night, although I did kind of miss the bird song this morning. I have been a productive human, sort of. I woke up and read my cards, I tidied up a bit and did some yoga, ok, I thought about yoga but I didn’t pull myself off the sofa until 11am. I went to town and got some bits I needed for my ritual, I cooked a lovely dinner and I did a little bit of planting as I got some new succulents while I was out, a bit of life for my Alter.

I am still thinking of writing a book, but I honestly don’t know what to write about. I feel I have no imagination at the moment and have no inspiration for a story. I was always so good at this when I was at school, I would get bored and just whack out a 10 page short story just for fun, no I cant even pick a genre! I have been writing in my book of shadows, although there isn’t much in there as I haven’t done many rituals, I have a bigger save file on the computer for research.

For now I will just put my ramblings on here for you all to read, I have noticed more people read all the time and this makes me so happy! any tips, tricks and conversations anyone would like to have I’m open for discussion. Blessed Be.

I’m hoping I sleep tonight.

As nice at is was watching the bird song this morning I’m very much looking forward to going to bed tonight I am just hoping I can actually sleep. I don’t have a bath unfortunately and would sell a kidney for a bubble bath right now! (to clarify I have a wet room) but a bath bomb and glass of wine is a dream I have to hold for now.

I’m thinking I’m going to attempt my first ritual soon. the summer solstice is coming up on the 20th and I know that makes it the Litha Sabbat (usually celebrated on the 21st but its not where it falls this year) so I’m going to research several different rituals and see if I can accumulate the items I need, I’m excited and nervous and just hope I can do the God and Goddess justice! but for now my poor sleepless brain just wants to watch pretty colours on the TV and drift off into the land of nod. night all! Blessed be.

Early bird and all that….

The only good thing about not sleeping all night is being able to sit in my garden with a tea and hear the birds wake up. If it was warm and sunny you could even call it perfect! Alas it’s cloudy and cold and the ground is damp from dew. But you can smell the earth, everything waking up from its slumber or crawling back to its bed after hunting all night. Maybe if I was a nocturnal animal I would be a bit more optimistic about the day time sleeping yet I haven’t been hunting or done anything productive except stare at the ceiling.

I would like to think I will be productive today but unfortunately I can’t see that happening. Come 10 am I will probably be a sweaty mess curled up in my duvet and dressing gown dropping in and out of consciousness, but until then I can just enjoy the birds song. Blessed be.

there just isn’t a cure for this shit.

My illness is deceitful, my illness is frightening, my illness is spiteful, my illness can be immobilising. My illness isn’t me.

Today has been a tough day, I haven’t felt like the new version of me I have been trying to create. I made myself get up and do all the things that have helped me the last few weeks to feel better, to have some motivation but I still ended the day crying in the shower. Nothing happened today except my overthinking brain chatter getting the better of me. I just cant seem to make any kind of decision.. on anything!

Not that there are any major decision’s to be made right now, but that’s not the point.

Sometimes self care just doesn’t work no matter how bad you want it too, you can be meditating and completely calm with tears rolling down your cheeks, you can be angry and red faced yet completely collected to the outside world. It feels like the peace before the storm, but where is the storm? Nothing else to do but to thank the goddess and god for the blessing of today and tell myself tomorrow is a new beginning. I need to go to bed now, fingers crossed for tomorrow. Blessed be.

Self care and food!

As promised I have felt very fragile today, the alcohol went down very nicely coupled with the BBQ food. the weather didn’t really hold out but I was able to collect some rain water for my Alter, so silver lining and all that, plus I enjoyed a little time out in the rain, it was cleansing.

I haven’t done much today, slept late, ate a lot of the food that was left over and heaved every time I saw a drink. I’m definitely not drinking again for a while! and its been a good let go which is what we was supposed to do for the beautiful strawberry moon. Now I can focus on becoming a normal productive human again and getting back into my meditation routine and reading my books but for the rest of today I can laze around and play games on my computer.

This weekend has been a bit of a blur but it has been a good weekend, a nice recharge and getting things into perspective again. I am grateful for my life, I am grateful for the people I have a round me and I am grateful to the universe. Blessed be.

Strawberry moon and my birthday.

It is my birthday tomorrow, just another day once you get passed a certain age, just a reminder you should be another year wiser. I have grown this year at least, spent a lot of time learning who I really was and still making revelations today! therapy and counselling, medication and meditation, making decisions that were hard but also the right thing to do. Today has consisted of buying food for the small party/ gathering of four people I can have in my home tomorrow. My sister, bless her has been buzzing around all day doing little things I’m not allowed to see, its adorable.

The strawberry moon tonight, I’m excited and have felt pretty good all day waiting for my birthday moon, yes I’m calling it that and I know its not but hey, its kept my mood up today. I look forward to seeing all the celebrations and party’s people had when I go through my reader and social media. I just don’t feel like I’m ready to do a ritual on my own yet, I need guidance and I’m prepared to wait to do it properly, so for now I’m just happy looking out for the moon and thanking the god and goddess for this blessed day.

I hope you all have a wonderful full moon and have a blessed day tomorrow, I shall be enjoying lots of food and drink and merriment! blessed be.

A little bit of this and that.

It has been an interesting day today, I woke up late again even after setting two alarms. I didn’t want to use my brain, it just wasn’t feeling up to it so I loaded my favourite game on the computer and let my mind melt in the building and decorating of beautiful homes I will never be able to afford. had a sudden epiphany around 2pm for a beautiful dinner so got them wheels into motion. Suddenly at 5pm I had some motivation for the day and decided to go and visit a friend, social distancing of course because we are not out of the woods yet! it was nice to talk to someone new and have a cup of tea not in my own four walls.

Now I’m back home and my mind just wants to melt again, I’m thinking more games and an early night, lets hope I’m up with the first alarm tomorrow!

Enjoying the sunshine.

Today’s weather has been absolutely incredible! so warm with a light breeze with all the birds and bees busy working about their days. I seem to have found my motivation today or was just blessed in my sleep. I woke up at a reasonable time this morning and hade a cup of tea whilst reading my new book, Grimoire for the green witch by Ann Moura. I have been waiting for this book for a while now as my wonderful husband ordered it for me, its my birthday next week and I have had a steady flow of trinkets and information from the postman delivered this week. I went out for a nice 2 mile walk in the sunshine and was very glad I remembered to put sun cream on my shoulders otherwise I would be a very deep shade of red!

I had nothing for the birds and animals today but I will ensure to make some bits up for them this week, instead I blessed a few trees and gave thanks for all around me. I know there is plenty more I could do but I haven’t plucked up the courage to try and actual ritual or spell yet, like I said I’m still learning. once I got home I chilled out in the garden and cleansed all my crystals so they could charge in the warm sun. I’m going to try some chakra aligning yoga before bed, hopefully that will get rid of some of the tension I’ve had the last few days.

I hope for another day of peace and clarity again tomorrow and more time spent out in nature, I hope all who read this have a blessed day.

Not feeling it today.

I woke up late again today, that seems to be a indicator as to whether my day will be good or bad. I had no energy and no motivation but I made myself do at least a few of the things I said I would, tidy up under the stairs and go for a walk and feed the birds. I wanted to sort a few other bits out and clean and charge my crystals, to meditate within a circle as that is the one thing that seems to bring me peace lately. but I just couldn’t bring myself to do these things, the constant brain chatter has not been my friend today. That’s the beauty of depression you see, when you feel like you have it all under control and life is going great it likes to slip a stick in your bike wheel just to remind you who’s boss.

I will make myself do some sort of meditation before bed although I cant see me being up late tonight. I’ve been told keeping a journal is good for your mental health so I figured why not do a public, complete expose on myself and have it as a blog? if I can reach one person to reach out to someone that makes it worth while. I love writing and find it very therapeutic and have always wanted to share my thoughts with the world. A novel is the ultimate dream but I honestly don’t think I could, Positive Mental Attitude!! I can I will….

What topic could I write about? Fantasy or reality? could I make up a whole story people would read? who knows, maybe one day I might have a short story page on here, then you can all tell me if I’m good enough.

I’m hoping its going to be a better day tomorrow, I am thankful for the beautiful weather we have had the last few days and as always and thankful to my support unit around me. calm, sleep and positive vibes I’m hoping will give me the strength to do what makes me happy. Blessed Be.

Just another day today.

I haven’t done anything special today, I haven’t meditated or gone for a walk, I haven’t done any exercise or read a book. What I have done is totally clean my house from top to bottom, I’m lucky and get a hand with these things but my sister wasn’t feeling her best today so I took over. It was satisfying just getting everything organised, I have decided in my head how I’m decorating the dining room yet like most other projects in my mind its a case of waiting for thing to fall into place to start or waiting for funds to arrive. I sorted out my wardrobe and all the kitchen cupboards, hoovered EVERYWHERE! I love my hoover, and yes I’m aware of how old and what a mother that makes me sound like but seriously, find me 30 something mother who doesn’t love a good working hoover! especially when I’m only 5″1 I need the long pole for the cobwebs.

I have been thinking about moving my computer desk from the bedroom to the front room, more space, a bit lighter and will serve me well if I get to work from home full time but I am terrible for sitting watching you tube and researching for hours into the night and I might get lonely downstairs on my own, at least upstairs I’m with the hubby while he is on his PlayStation. Decisions, Decisions.

I’m going to try and wind down now with a cup of tea and hot shower and look forward to my day of sorting and spirituality tomorrow. Blessed be.

How the Lockdown Has changed me.

The first few weeks of the lockdown I thought I could finally catch up on the sleep I had felt I was missing, 14, 16 hours in bed however is not a normal sleeping pattern. I finally realised after waking up around 4pm two days in a row and then proceeding to stay awake for 48 hours feeling like total shit, I couldn’t carry on.

I started small and made myself get up at midday, made myself do something productive i.e., read a book or clean the house, you know starting easy. I found a book called Moon Magic by Rachel Patterson. I was totally intrigued by the things she was writing about, the magic she felt, or I felt through her reminded me of being a child again, of the excitement of the unknown and the never being able to learn enough. she has an array of fantastic books and I am yet to read them all but I do plan on working my way through but you see, this book opened up a pathway for me, it made me look into myself and really think about what my therapy had taught me and what it really was I wanted from life.

happiness and Peace, an inner understanding of myself and to love and be loved without any stipulations. that’s what I want. that’s what I need. and that’s what I shall achieve.

since the opening of the door for me into the world of magic, paganism, spirituality, crystals, reiki and many other new interests and research topics, I have found a peace and a faith I can rely on, one I can believe in and know it will never harm. that is the ultimate goal of a decent human being no? to not harm and not be harmed? in any way; love, energy, money, family whatever means the most to you. we all just want to be accepted for who we are and what we love. I have made no secret of the fact nature is where I felt at home, nature is my church and it always has been but now I have found new ways to honour her, new ways to make me feel like I can do something for the greater good. Aren’t you all so lucky you get to come with me!

I start small and work my way through, learning and feeling as I go, food for the birds, eating a bit less meat (I’m not a vegetarian yet but I might get there one day) litter picking and being more aware of my carbon footprint. I’m just trying to be a better version of me, using all I have learnt and all I know I am still to learn to raise my vibration. I am very lucky for the whole support unit I have as I had to remove the toxic I felt all around and to the universe I am grateful for helping with that. Any thoughts, ideas, links or interests anyone would like to share or discuss please feel free to leave a comment and please share my blog if it is something you think people would like.

Thank you and Blessed Be!

Hereditary illness’s and how I deal.

Knowing that your feelings and emotions are playing tricks on you is one thing but when you see someone you love feeling that way and there isn’t anything you can do about it, it hurts! It makes you feel helpless.

You can’t explain your illness to someone else experiencing Thier own interpretation of the illness. I watch my daughter struggle with anxiety knowing there is nothing I can do but lead her on the right path. I can’t explain or brush her valid feelings off I just have to support her in any way I can. She has a shit day and needs to be left alone, that’s what I do. I can’t help but judge her actions on my feelings, so I do the things that would make me happy. Movies and chocolate. Cuddles or distance. Jokes or sarcasm (she speaks fluent like me)
sometimes I get it right and some days I don’t. But I take the bad moods and attitude because I know she’s a good girl. I know she talks to me when she needs to and I don’t pressure her, just always remind her she’s loved and accepted for who she is.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the mother of a teenage daughter, we have our fights and disagreements but we are supposed to, that’s how she grows and stands up for what she wants and believes in. If she can’t feel comfortable with me then where can she!? She is painfully shy and doesn’t like talking to any other adult authority which can be difficult sometimes. I feel I push her to talk more than I should but I don’t want to be her voice for the outside world I want her to have the courage to speak up but her anxiety keeps her quiet and I need to understand that.

People have told me im to soft on her, that I’m to aware of her feelings and not teaching her to be an adult but how do you pressure someone to speak up when you, yourself have days you don’t want to. It’s a difficult one for me and something I struggle with alot.

She is a good girl and doesn’t get in trouble, I get attitude but not disrespect and she is aware of others feelings the same of her own and for me that’s a win. She is my everything and I will spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy. It’s what mums are supposed to do, I think!?

Working from home…. WooHoo!!

So like everyone else in this uncertain time I have been quarantined to my house. for me this isn’t a issue, I spend most of my time here and this is my safe bubble. people come in when I say and people leave me alone when I say. for people like my sister and my daughter its a struggle.

they are chomping at the bit to get out in the sunshine and apparently sorting out my shit hole of a garden just doesn’t cut it for outside entertainment. they have resorted to painting my hallway and I for one am not complaining! I sit here at my desk having finished my days work wondering what to do now. I have slept an awful lot for someone who is supposed to be coming to the end of her CBT and Therapy and am yet to find a project I can really sink my teeth into, other than my Blog. I play silly games on the computer and my phone, I watch so much tv and I’m trying to get back to a book a week but some days I really find it hard just to pick the book up.

So I am looking for a project, an idea I can flow with. I have been writing a lot but to me it just seems like random words. I cant seem to flow with an idea instead I’m starting new ones all the time but not getting invested in them. maybe this time being at home with everyone around me will give me ideas for a comedy!

until my inspiration strikes I guess I will just here and drink tea, hoping it knocks for me in my sleep or something!?

Something Else to talk about.

I have been thinking lately as much as I want to help others with sharing how I feel, it also doesn’t give me much to write about without feeling a bit self centred.

So I’m hoping to share some ideas of things I like and review them in a way. Any suggestions would also be welcome and please feel free to share with your friends if you think it would be something they would enjoy reading too or they enjoy the things I talk about.

I am a bit of a sucker for History, anything involving royal families from around the 1400’s onwards. I love to read and write, obvs! I love TV programs and movies but prefer the series, it lasts longer and I am very much a season a day kinda girl, I cant be dealing with one episode a week!

I don’t read as much as I would like, the last thing I read was an Autobiography and I’m currently reading a book on Druidcraft, an interesting concept so far but I still have a way to go. I have been searching for something lately, a meaning, a faith in something. I figured I would read all sorts of books on all sorts of abstract and ancient religions. the mainstream doesn’t interest me, I doesn’t inspire faith in me. any books you think I should read feel free to comment.

Nature is what feels like home to me. being in the woods or around water, walking in the sunshine or just sitting and feeling the earth, there is a connection with me that I am unsure of where it comes from but know I have always felt it, there is energy there. and the start of this book is telling me the same so I am open to its interpretation

The Supernatural has always been an interest to me too, magic and witchcraft, demons and angels, life and death. it’s a balance that shouldn’t be able to be messed with and yet the Supernatural is exactly that, unbalancing of nature and the dark side of the light. I watch all the programs (Vampire diaries, Originals, Supernatural, True Blood, Grim, Game of Thrones) and Many more, I am sometimes known to get engrossed in these worlds, to find myself dreaming and imagining my characters place in these worlds, if I would have one.

So this is the book that I am currently reading and I will give you all a full rundown of it once I have finished but the bit I have read so far I am intrigued and open to its concepts.

Sorry I’ve been missing… I’m working on myself.

Welcome back to another insight the darkness of my soul.

The most powerful emotion that likes to eat at my insides during my days of depression is the guilt. You don’t want to do anything or be anywhere so you hide in the dark and let the guilt of you not doing what your supposed to, eat you up.
All whilst hiding in the dark still. Why is it just so hard to function? To do the things you normally do, and have done all your life?
You don’t want any company yet you feel like you want attention.
You want to sleep yet your brain won’t switch off.
You want to reach out and help yourself out of the hole but you’re still hiding in the dark.
It’s like having an annoying voice in your head arguing every thought you have in a stupid childish voice.

I need to get up and shower,

No you don’t, you deserve to smell.

I should get out of bed at least,

No one wants to see you, you smell.

Fine, how about read something…

But that might be pleasurable, no can do!
Off to the dark hole you go, here is a run down of every time you hurt someone’s feelings in the last 10 years.

I can’t sleep so repeat similar conversations for the next 24 hours.
It’s the hardest, deepest and heaviest feeling I have ever felt. And for me that’s saying a lot.
It’s hard to get yourself out of that cycle and no one else can pull you out. 

Your healing and progress is all on you. It doesn’t matter how good of a support system you have or how much you know they love you you always feel like a burden. Like your dragging everyone down in the spiral with you!

Roll back in my mind the guilt. 

It’s a viscous circle that makes you feel you are treading water ALL THE TIME.
Moving forward not matter how little it seems is the only way to get unstuck. Well untill the next time your brain wants you to know how shit you are, then repeat cycle!

The silver lining

I’m sorry I’ve not written in a while, I took some time out for self care, took myself away for a few days of laughing, drinking and a lot of walking!

Every once in a while when you have been using your techniques, keeping up with your medication and taking time for yourself you do feel better!
I cherish this time when I seem to be unclouded, when I can look at the sky and the trees and appreciate all that is around me. When I can look at the ones I love and admire them for their strength. To be able to appreciate the way they have supported me and never judged me, to give back for all I feel they gave me in my dark days. I love spoiling them and really telling them how much they mean to me. No better feeling than to love and be loved.

You never know how long these periods will last so you have to appreciate it while you can.

I’m the annoying person on the street stopping to take photos of random stuff. The weird blue in the sky or the way the sun shines through gaps in leaves. On my good days I love to look through them and appreciate the beauty of nature all around me and all the beautiful places I’ve been lucky to be.
I find water very calming, I like sitting by it listening to the waves or watching all the life around the rivers and lakes. It’s beautiful.

I feel like you really need to savour these days, there are days in the dark where I’m begging to see the beauty in the world but it’s just all grey. When the colours shine, I shine!

It’s hard to live with someone who has depression and anxiety, I feel personally that as a sufferer, if you expect the ones around you to be a true support unit you need to give some back when you can. It’s easy to be selfish but I read once…
Selfish persons are incapable of loving others, but they are not capable of loving themselves either.
And that is not a place I want to go, I’ve watched that, I’ve felt that and I lived that!! Maybe that’s why I make sure to show appreciation and to try and do what I can when I can. I try to be a good person.

Bad moods you just can’t shake.

Hi again! Thanks for taking the time to read my blog, today I want to talk about my moods, of which I have no control lately! Why is it when you say you want to be left alone everyone automatically assumes your pissed off with them? I’m not pissed at you I’m pissed at me, I’m pissed at my mood that I just can’t shake, I’m pissed that I can’t just hide away under my duvet and tell the world to fuck off, I’m pissed that I feel like everything that is coming out of my mouth is being analysed for an undertone or secret meaning. honestly….. I just want to be left alone to contemplate my stupid thoughts, to argue with the voice I’m my head about why I shouldn’t want to run away. And I shouldn’t, I have been through some very dark experiences in my life. I’ve been in places I knew in my gut I should never have been around yet there I was no fear in the world. Now I seem to not even be able to get out of bed and go to work, like a normal person, with normal people I trust whole heartedly without thinking something is going to happen to me, or my kid or my husband. Without worrying about being made to look stupid or being made fun of, for being told I’m not worth it because I really feel that way sometimes. I’ve not been suicidal since my teens and I would never do that because I wouldn’t want my daughter to think she wasn’t enough, she is enough but it doesn’t stop the thinking of “would they be better without me?” Am I too much of a hindrance? Am I just to much hard work constantly telling me I’m not? What am I teaching her about herself? Constant questions I don’t have the answer for……. So we end up back where we started, just wanting to hide from everyone and everything because you just don’t feel good enough. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself it’s your illness telling you this, the voice in your head is wrong. It still won’t shut up!! Someone please tell me in not the only one who has days like this? Weeks like this? A life like this? I always try to leave on a positive but I’m finding it difficult today, squeeze everyone you love that little bit tighter today! Share the love and smiles and maybe some will get back to me too!!

Moving forward not backwards.

Welcome back to another insight into my crazy brain. I have told you how I feel on my down days and how I feel on my good days. I’ve spoken about the steps I’ve taken and I have only just begun on my mental health awareness and healing so I’m hoping to share this whole journey with anyone who wants to read.
There are many reasons for my mental health problems, I won’t go into all of them in detail now but eventually. Just a rough overview of the general reasons for today.
From a very young age I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother, she also suffers from depression yet she handles it a very different way than me. At least that’s how I feel. I have tried to have a relationship with her and I have tried to support and help her along her mental health journey whilst also trying to understand my own. We have tried to get her help, lots of counseling and therapy and now Psychiatrist are involved. After her last episode we tried to have her commited but since then she has shut us all out and won’t let us know what is happening with the Dr or Psychiatrist so we have given her what she wants. Lots of space to be on her own and I have stopped all contact now, for my own mental health.
My second issue is drugs, it’s not as bad as it sounds anymore but it was a coping mechanism I learnt very young and one I have never been able to shake. I don’t take them anymore but I do crave them. There are days I just want to escape and get totally disconnected from reality and miss the days I did that. Yet I know the concequence of this behaviour and it’s distructive and addicting and I know it’s a bad path. I started running away at 13 to get high and feel nothing, to escape from my own emotions and I got myself into some very unpleasant and dark situations. I’ve seen things and done things I’m not very proud of, I’ve said things and I caused trouble for people because I just didn’t care, all that mattered was not feeling anything but i worked hard to get away from it all, to try and feel and see but sometimes it just got to much and it was easier to give in, to disconnect.
So that’s two of the main reasons I believe I suffer and feel the way I do. Everyone has their own reasons for feeling the way they do or for having the reactions to situations they can’t control my personal opinion is what matters is how you try to change, taking responsibility for our illness. We can’t control it but we can work to accept it and learn from it. We will never be cured but we can be present with ourselves and our reactions, know what’s good behaviour and what’s bad. Work on it and grow. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

Good days and bad days.

Hey, if your reading this again. Thanks! That means I’m not as crazy as I think I am. Someone related!
I want to carry on with my description of how it feels to live on a day to day basis. I want to just explain what I’ve done to try and help myself with my mental health and what options people have when you feel like your not being listened too.
One day I can wake up and feel like I can take on the world, I feel strong and confident and because I am so lucky and have such an amazing support system my good days are celebrated. I feel like everything is wonderful, I’m in an amazing place and I work really hard and make everyone happy in the ways I only know how. I dance around making jokes and making people laugh, I work hard and think fast and soak up everything around me. I love nature and I’m a freak for pictures of the sky or water or plants. I love it and I feel the pull to nature when I’m happy and I’m down. It’s like it’s where I should be. In the middle of the woods by a river left the fuck alone when I’m down and surrounded by people when I’m happy. That’s the only difference. I love me when I’m happy, I cherish and appreciate everything it’s just unfortunately it doesn’t happen very often. To help myself to to regulate my days, my feelings and emotions I take medication. I take two antidepressants every day and 4 anti anxiety tablets. I take one vitamin b12 tablet and one folic acid tablet. Apparently b12 can have an effect on your mental health and I’ve never had a regular eating pattern so I need all the help I can get in that department. Yet I don’t take normal multivitamins, I should probably do that. You will hear that sentence a lot, I know I should yet I still haven’t.
I’ve been to several different therapists and lots of doctors and have done a course of cognitive behavioural therapy. I have a mental health app on my phone which helps me gain tools on changing my thinking and behaviour when I know I’m doing something because of my mental illness or when I know I’m self distructing. Sometimes it’s easier to see than others and sometimes I need to be told, I’m still learning and I’m not perfect but I’m trying. And that’s all I can do, all we can do. I had to push for help with my doctor I feel I have suffered from this from a young age yet have only been taken seriously by the dr for the last few years. I had to be persistent and I had to be honest. Fight for your right to be heard and to be helped.

Welcome to my blog!

This is my blog about living with depression and anxiety. I’m hoping sharing my story will help myself make some sort of sense about my life and health etc but I’m also hoping if I can help one person get help, move forward or just open up to someone about how they feel it will be worth sharing my story in the raw, true way I only know how.
So a little background for this first one, let’s get to know me. I’m a 32 year old mother of one, married and I have a good job. I’ve reached a point in my life I have always strived for, the stable and loving environment I have around me right now yet this is the point my depression and anxiety is at is worst. Why? Fuck knows maybe we can find out together!! I’ve had therapy and counseling, (there different things apparently, who knew!) I take medication, I go to work, I take care of my house, my bills and my family yet there are days I can’t get out of bed.
Days I’m sobbing for no apparent reason yet I can’t stop. There are two types of crying days and I’m hoping I’m not the only one. Sobbing, can’t move, snot all over my face and just want to hide away from everyone in the dark days and days where I’m trying so fucking hard to do the things I need to do, to carry on with the things I did yesterday or last week with no problems what so ever, yet there are tears flowing down my cheeks and I can’t stop them. There just there while I’m working, eating, cleaning it doesn’t matter. And them days suck. Meet depression.
Anxiety days suck too. I don’t want to leave my house, I feel isolated and exposed at the same time, I don’t feel safe. Sometimes there are reasons for feeling like this, pressure from someone about something or a big change that I know is going to happen. But sometimes there is no reason at all, like depression it has a mind of its own. It makes my heart race and my hands sweat, it’s different to depression as in it feels more physical, depression I know is in my head, it’s a battle with my brain I can understand that but my anxiety feels different, in a way more intense as I just can’t function. It makes me feel frozen within myself and that’s hard to explain or talk myself out of. It’s physical and it’s fucking frightening.
So that’s me, that’s how I feel on a day to day basis and I’m hoping someone can relate. Feel free to leave a comment if you understand some of my crazy brain or know some one who would benefit from this blog, then share away. There are links on my blog page to my social media accounts and to a few mental health sites I found helped me. If you feel you need to receive some proper help please contact your GP. Hopefully you follow my journey!