Tag: #mentalhealth

mental health · personal blog

Sorry, who am I?

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People always say that there are always different versions of yourself and that you grow with who you are. I have never given that much credence as I have always thought my core values would always be the same.

And they are, I guess. But in different ways. My main priority has always been my daughter, she is the reason I battle everyday and the reason I try not to get stuck in the depression mud, if you will. But as she has gotten older and more independent it’s a different kind of love and support that she needs and not so hands on anymore.

My other core value would be to treat people as you want to be treated, to me that always used to mean to be as nice to them as they are to you, the older I get the more I realise it just means be nice to everyone, you never know what others struggles are and it’s free to be kind. 

I feel like I have started a whole new journey and am becoming this whole new person I didn’t even know I was and it feels amazing. 

Until the illness creeps in, self doubt and self loathing are my worst traits and i have been told on many occasions, I am my own worst enemy. I talk myself in and then talk myself out of healthy choices, I tell myself all the ways I can fail and think about all of the people waiting for me to fail.

It’s a hard journey this mental health stuff, as soon as you feel like you have it figured out, it’s there to remind you that you don’t and if we want to be happy, genuinely happy, then we have to fight that little bit harder! 💜

Sent to me from a friend 😍
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What if…..

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Sometimes when you feel stuck it’s because you are. Stuck in the idea of what you thought you should want, stuck in the dream of wanting what you can’t have and worst if all stuck inside your own mind!

As much as I try to be a positive person I know my mentality is mainly pessimistic, I have trust issues not only with people around me but with myself. Do I know what I want? Will I still want it if I get it? What if it’s worse than I imagined? What if? what if… what if!!

The only way to be unstuck is to change and the only way to change is to commit, another issue of mine. I know I’m selfish, I know I put my feelings before others but I also try really hard to be a decent person, I try to be honest to the point I’ve been called brutally honest at times but I would rather that than be called fake, although I know I have also been that at times too.

When you know something isn’t right for you why continue to convince yourself it’s all you ever dreamed of!? It was a goal and it was reached so time to set new ones. I feel like a walking contradiction so no wonder I can’t trust myself. I talk myself round in circles!

I can’t tell what is my gut and what is anxiety anymore, I don’t know if my feelings are my feelings or my depression, how am I supposed to differentiate between mental health and my personality!? Who the fuck am I!?

I’ve decided to take one day at a time, be honest all the time and aim for what I enjoy! If it makes me happy do it and if it doesn’t then put boundaries around it. Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Its now or never.

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When I first read the below meme I felt attacked, then as I read it again I felt guilty, after the third time I think the reality of the word’s had finally sunk in. I have all the ingredients and all the time in the world to bake my cake, so why is it not cooking?

I have discovered in my therapy and self discovery (otherwise known as isolation/withdrawal with self help books, blogs and hours of TV binging.) that not only am I my own worst enemy but I am also a procrastinating perfectionist. I don’t want to start unless I can do it properly, because you know, if you’re going to do it then do it correctly, but I also know that anything I do when I feel like this will not be to the best of my ability. So I procrastinate until I can do it correctly but who knows when that will be? not me!

I have also noticed this very inconvenient thing with my medication. It helps my mood day to day, it helps me be more productive and positive but it really seems to stop my creativity, I don’t want to write because I am unsure of what to write and I don’t want to draw because I am aware I draw with the capability of a three year old, meditating on them is a struggle too.

I had a problem with popping pills in my teen years, they were always my drug of choice and I took them way to much and the only thing that stopped me taking them was getting pregnant. I don’t want to go down that road again, even if these ones are prescribed for my illness I don’t want to feel reliant on popping a pill to get up in the morning…. again.

So how do I move on from here? I take control.

I know things that don’t work for me, I know that the more I stop and be lazy the lower my mood is, I know that feeling productive makes me sleep better at night and I know that meditation and yoga works for me so I need to use the cliché of the new year and start as I mean to go on. I brought in the new year meditating at my alter and read myself a tarot card spread for what to expect and it told me, like it does regularly that I just need to get out of my own way and try.

There are some things out of my control like getting my driving licence, I cant take the test until there is availability to take it. Moving house, I cant do that until I have my driving licence, I do have things ready for when the world is ready, my car is up and running and all legal and I’m driving as much as I possibly can to practice so that side of things is out of my hands.

But things that are in my control are what I need to focus on, Writing the book I have talked about my entire life, I have the basic premise and characters I just need to write it out in a first draft. I have snips of chapters and little bits but 2022 is the year the first draft is done! Complete the 2 Diplomas I currently have started but not finished, one is Archaeology because as sad as it sounds it has always fascinated me and the other is a blogging one so I might be able to give you some better content and understand this whole blogging thing properly as at the moment is kind of just a rant of words from me. Making the home that I am in appealing to other people and not just me so when I do get to try and push the move my house is ready and looking good for whoever might want to swap with me and finally working my little butt of to save as much money as I can because I’m tired of being poor, its my terrible spending habits and wasteful nature, it needs to change and I’m the only one capable of doing this.

So in conclusion of todays rant to the world, I will take control of the small things I am capable of and hope the big things fall into place when the universe deems it time. I will not stifle my creativity and write chapters in my diary if the mood strikes and focus on making my body healthy and happy. I hope anyone reading this can send me a kick up the butt and I will oblige with the same if you need it, Blessed be!

Go and bake your cake!
mental health · personal blog

Trying to be patient is hard.

Anarchyandanxiety2 Comments

It’s been a real tough few months for me, for no particular reason other than things aren’t progressing as quickly as I want them too and I’ve not been able to get back in my healthy routine, but I have really struggled.

I have done my usual bad coping mechanisms and retreated inside of myself and not wanted to be around anyone or do anything, instead of using my tools from therapy and taken steps to feel better I’ve let myself slip.

It is good that I can recognize my unhealthy pattern but makes me feel so much more worthless knowing I can’t use it as well to help myself out, so I reached out to my Dr and therapist again. I need help and I beg anyone else who is feeling low or lost to do the same. If you can’t reach them there are many online people to talk to in a crisis and I will add some links at the bottom.

Reaching out means getting stronger, it means stepping forward. As they say a problem shared is a problem halved. I know what I need to do and now it’s just a case.of being patient with myself and patient with the world and have faith it will all work out in the end. Blessed be 💜

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/tips-for-everyday-living/online-mental-health/online-mental-health-tools/

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/getting-help

https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/talk-us-phone/

mental health · personal blog

Depression tips 💜

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I have taken this from a friend on Facebook, I didn’t write it but it has some very good techniques.

Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta.

Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Poundshop lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes.

Put on your favorite underwear. Those ridiculous boxers you were bought last christmas with candy cane hearts on? Put them on. Cute black lacy jobs? What ever. you know.

Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use a chunk of lime.

Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both.

Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s basic. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, colour a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create.

Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything.

May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. 

*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that.

Find something to be grateful for!

I am trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.
#SuicideAwareness
#HaveARealConversation

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What could the future hold?

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I was once told by a palm reader that i would live to a very old age and I can’t decide if that is a good or bad thing. Will I still have my mind to the end? Will my body betray me long before? Will I spend my last few years alone in a care home or as a burden to my only child?

I know, pretty heavy for a Monday morning! We recently had to move my grandad from the home he has been in due to miss treatment, I’m not going into detail as its not my story but I wanted to say my piece. He has been there for many years and we had always been under the impression all was well, he had his bad days and good days but who doesn’t? I don’t have anything to do with the care of my grandad as I have my dad and wonderful aunts and uncles who do that for him but hearing about him being mistreated is devastating to us all.

It has also made me think, I know that we all want what’s best for him, we would all help where we can and my family has always rallied around when he needs us but this still happened. So what about all the people who don’t have a family either due to their own doings or someone else’s or because they didn’t have any to begin with. who cares about these people?

When I think of people as a collective my optimistic brain automatically thinks we will all come together and solve the problem for all, but that is not how the population works at the moment, there is no community unless you go looking for it and even then how do you know what is a community with good intentions and a cult heading for crazy town? Where do you find the place you are supposed to be? I am as much to blame as the next person for this because I am guilty of claiming to hate people in general on more than one occasion, the idea of big crowds or lots of people knowing my name is a bit strange. Yet in the same breath I can talk about wanting to be there for people and hear all the wonderful stories they have to tell, paths they have taken and relationships formed.

All I can do is try my best to be a good person, to not judge and remember everyone has their own stories, their own paths to follow and to listen and learn from what each person can teach me. I’m sure one day I will find my community where I fit in but for now I will just appreciate my family for all the strange, crazy and wonderful people they are and some extra special love for my husband on our Anniversary, 7 years of marriage to me deserves a pat on the back!! Blessed be.

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Being my own boss, emotionally.

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There are many outside influences that can effect your mental health, for me it is having to much on my plate and not being able to give one thing my full attention or being to impatient, I expect to see results immediately sometimes and that is just not realistic. The weather also plays a big part in my mental health, the sunshine sincerely makes everything better!

Knowing your triggers and the things that can help you focus are good but sometimes you cant even muster the motivation to do these things, so you sit and think about all the ways to make yourself feel better, to help you focus all while sat on your arse doing nothing… just me? The master of procrastination.

I have so many ideas floating around in my head but none of them actually come to fruition, what’s wrong with me?

I will be spending today trying to focus on my diploma, trying to do something productive so I don’t feel like a failure again. I have been trying to sort out finding and moving house, I have also started my driving lessons and booked my test for December so fingers crossed it all falls into place and by Christmas I have a moving date and a car! its just finding the patience to wait until then! The main goal it so tick one thing of the lists every month, no rush as my plans are not happening just yet so I have time to figure out the best working plan for me. I need to update the vision board I think!

I hope that you manage to get something productive done today too if that’s what you feel you need, if not its Saturday so take it easy! I will leave you with a little hack I found online in meme form that I’m intending on using today to boost my mood! Blessed Be.

mental health · personal blog

Birthday week!!

Anarchyandanxiety2 Comments

Having family that lives miles away can really suck sometimes, we can talk and facetime but it’s not the same as a real hug.

Being able to plan a few days away to see them all and spend time with them is awesome but when that falls on my birthday weekend it’s going to be carnage!!

There will be lots of laughs and lots of drinks, plenty of catch ups and probably a few tears but I am so excited!

I haven’t managed to stick to the healthy routine this week but I have got up everyday and done what has been needed and not felt like I have a black cloud over my head, probably because I have some thing to look forward to.

Back to normal next week with the diploma’s and meditation but for now I’m just enjoying the excitement bubbling all around! Blessed be 💜

knowledge · mental health · personal blog

Looking fresh!

Anarchyandanxiety5 Comments

Not me, the blog! I have changed the themes and colours, added some bits and removed some others. That’s the beauty of writing a personal blog, full creative control!

I always find these random places I want to visit or go too, a picture or story I find on the web which leads to a quick Google search and half an hour later I’m reading about myths and legends from centuries ago.

I have added a new page about my visit to Hever Castle last year and I really want to try and do some more about the places I visit and walks I go on. I love the history of my surroundings and enjoy learning new things.

I’m hoping I can become an amateur archaeologists one day, writing to make money and living in a van. It’s a dream! But for now I’m just soaking up as much information as is available and looking forward to my next new adventure! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling stuck.

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I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.

I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.

My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?

It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

So, I did a thing!

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If you haven’t noticed by now I like to change my mind a lot, I like to learn a lot and I like to give myself unrealistic expectations.

So with that I enrolled in an archaeology diploma! I’ve already completed two assesments with a pass mark of 100% and I’m so excited for the rest. I understand this does nothing for my career prospects but for my confidence and learning capacity it’s great!!

There are several other courses I have put on my wishlist that could help with making money so they will be the next step.

I’m still trying to move home although getting to the area I want is proving very difficult, I may have to broaden the search and hope for the best. The driving license isn’t any closer either every time I save up something happens and I need to spend the money, I’m still hoping on the lottery win.

I have plans, big plans that I want to do but wether or not I get there is down to me, I need to put the work in and I need to stop just saying these things but actually doing them! To the first step if many! Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

Feeling exhausted.

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I’m exhausted, not because I haven’t slept properly just because I feel like Im being drained.

I’m exhausted of constantly battling the thoughts in my head, I’m exhausted of trying to be positive and grateful when every part of my being just wants to crawl in a dark space and hide. I’m exhausted of overthinking every decision I make so I just don’t do anything, if it doesn’t get started I can’t fuck it up.

I have kept to my routine as much as physically possible this week, I have made myself move, talk and walk yet this cloud will not go away. I can’t go to the dark place of hiding and not moving because will I ever move again?

I am asking for any positivity and energy that can be sent my way, I have my crystals and will meditate for five mins every time I feel myself fall today. Blessed be 💜

All else fails, hug a tree!
mental health · personal blog

Feeling like I have let myself down.

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The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.

You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.

It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be 💜

I made it, I’m still here.
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The sneaky panic attack.

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My panic attacks have become few and far between lately, I put it down to a clear routine that I work towards, daily meditation and exercise in the morning. But, after all of that, I still found myself sitting at the end of my bed Friday morning trying desperately to breath my way out of one.

I had my smear test booked and I know it’s very overdue, the results were not great last time and the voice in the back of my head keeps telling me I’ve left it too long. I keep telling myself that it’s just my depression talking but I also know there is a grain of truth to it.

I think I had worked myself up to the panic attack over thinking every situation in my head always ending with worse case scenario. Moral of the story, don’t overthink everything and go to appointments when they are initially booked, health is not something to be procrastinated.

So now I just try to stick to my routine, wait for the results and hope that everything will be ok. Blessed be 💜

Every little step is still a move forward and I’m proud of you 🥰
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Where do I start!

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Now I have decided what I want to do and where to go from here it feels like the more I read and research the more confused I become….

Opening a business and agreeing to the whole wide world judging you and having an opinion on your lifestyle is a big step! Can I even do it!?

Trying to be successful with a mental health issues is like trying to fill a bucket with holes drilled into the sides, at least that is how I feel right now. Opinions and doubts coming from all directions and just one really, my brain! I am my own worst enemy, the master of procrastination, able to talk myself out of any decisions I make.

It’s time to stop talking and actually start doing something. Please send some positive motivation my way if you have some spare, I need everything I can get! But for now I have my crystals, my cards and my determination to be better than yesterday. Blessed be 💜

Today’s mantra 🧘
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Springs first BBQ.

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Yesterday was a very good day. I woke up feeling a bit shit but knew I had invited over my dad for an Easter BBQ, I had already braved the shopping and the fridge and freezer was fully stocked so it was just prep and cooking to tackle.

I had a shower and envisioned all my bad mood just flowing away with the water, I wore my crystals and out on a full face of make up which made me feel pretty.

Once I got in the flow I was cool, a drink in my hand and hidden by the smoke of the BBQ making sure everyone is well fed, my dad made a comment about me being at home there which I guess I do, but to do it as a job again….. Far to stressful!

It was a great day, the drinks and conversation was flowing, the sun was shining all day which was amazing and everyone was full and happy, I gave thanks and gratitude before I went to bed as I felt blessed, I now pass some of that on to all who need it. Blessed be 💜

Trusting my intuition.
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Trusting my intuition.

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I have been reading a lot about Tarot cards and having the ability to read them. I have always felt a draw to the cards and thought I would attempt to give it a go, I have always believed I had a great intuition when my anxiety wasn’t in control as it is always telling me abort whatever I was doing. Apparently, my grandmother on my father’s side had the ability to see things before they happened, she had the sixth sense if you will and it has made me even more determined to understand the cards.

I started Practicing on myself first of course, reading my own cards in the morning and just asking them what today had in store, then I progressed to asking questions to the cards with surprising results. I’m not saying they had the ability to tell me my day in detail, but they did ring true with some deeper things I wasn’t prepared to share. It has only been recently I have read cards for other people; I make it clear I am just a beginner and only read people I know, but again my intuitions have been said to ring true and the more I open myself up to the cards the deeper I fell I understand them. I am by no means a clairvoyance, but I am just trying to trust my intuition and find the talents I have for the Spiritual world.

It is a learning curve for sure but something I really want to be good with, I have learnt a few spells to bind my cards to me and have given a few cards I pulled for family and friends in gift boxes. My sister bought me a beautiful cat box inscribed with protection runes that I keep my cards in to ensure no outside negative influence. For now I will just read the people around me and see what things I pick up on for each read, its the only way to get better. I hope that anyone reading this gets a good piece of news today, a little snippet of information to make you smile, Blessed be.

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Learning to grow.

Anarchyandanxiety2 Comments

I have spoken a few times on here about wanting a side hustle, to be able to make money from what I love doing but every time I try to move forward another bill lands on the mat and I realize all over again I need a 9-5 to survive.

So I have come up with an idea, I’m not sure if it will work or be of any interest but it’s the first time I’ve felt I could be on the right track. I have my favourite tattoo on my back that I’m going to turn into an awesome logo with anarchy and anxiety and see what I can print it on and sell. I have been sending my short stories to all sorts of people hoping I could get some work from that too. I just need a chance or an idea to be able to work my butt off and prove I have what it takes.

My blog is growing day by day, more interaction, positive feedback and new people reading from all over the world. This is what makes me happy and this is what I want to be doing so if anyone has any tips and tricks to help me push myself to the next level please let me know! Blessed be. 💜

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Research and understanding.

Anarchyandanxiety1 Comment

I had my first bad comment today, it was on social media so it doesn’t really count but for about five seconds it really knocked me back. Until I realised its just someone who has nothing better to do with their time than mock others, not the audience I was hoping for but at least people are reading It I guess…..

I have been reading a lot of different books and researching a lot on the internet about what it means to be Pagan. No two books have the exact same interpretation of Paganism because everyone has their own way of interpreting faith and life. Ultimately the idea is to respect all living creatures and mother earth, to have faith in the gods and/or goddess whichever path you chose, I believe that is what has drawn me so much towards this faith.

I have always claimed that nature is my church and that is always where I have felt the most magical and peaceful, the flowing rivers and the blowing tree’s, the little creatures all just carrying on about their day. I have always been interested in history and always fascinated by the cunning woman or the old lady who everyone would go to cure their illnesses. knowing that nature will always have a cure in some form or another. now don’t get me wrong I’m not about to give up my prescribed medication but the idea I could grow and make things that just might make things a little better, plus there is always the placebo effect. If I tell myself then I will succeed, like my therapist said you can’t get rid of the bad thoughts coming into your head, but you can control how you react to them. I know it’s so corny, but it works if you do it enough. so, is that what they mean by magic? I know obviously Harry Potter isn’t real, but the old cunning lady could be… I’m investigating as the meditation has already done wonders for me.

For today I am just trying to be grateful for all that I have, to ask for clarity with the new full moon and to keep the motivation I feel right now for all the projects I have in the works. Blessed Be.

Photo by Joy Marino on Pexels.com
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Finding my strength

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As every day seems to go by I seem to be finding a little bit more of myself, finding a bit more strength and motivation. I have found joy in the simple things and a sense of purpose and productivity in completing tasks I have set myself.

I have started the re decoration of my home, starting outside where it bothers me the most. I hate the cheap council front door I have and the mismatched stones and tiles they used to build the steps up to my house so I have given it all a new lick of paint. I think it looks fresh and a like the people who live here actually give a shit about the house.

I haven’t finished it yet, I need to muster the courage to bring the ladder round and paint the top part that hangs over my front door to match the steps and figure out how to get the pretty lights I bought wrapped around the poles and plugged in safely. I know how it should look in my mind I just hope the finished product looks the same or at least similar.

I am due to pick my new bathroom soon too, I can not express my excitement enough for a bath! I shall have crystals and bath bombs, candles and bubbles and it will be amazing! I still haven’t decided what colours I want and if I’m going to keep it the same as the toilet is now as they match at the moment or do something completely different. Decisions.

I hope everyone reading this had a sense of happiness or fulfilment today maybe felt productive or just enjoyed the day, I send you all positive vibes! Blessed be.

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Same shit different day

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I tend to not write on days there isn’t much going on but I’m going to change that. Half of the mental health battle is just being a functioning human being on a day to day basis. When you have days that you can get up and ready, can leave the house and do the things you had planned they should be celebrated as a win and not palmed off as “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”

I haven’t done anything special today, I got up and ready, I’ve come to work and I will go home and feed everyone. That is my daily routine to make sure the house doesn’t fall down and to make sure everyone is happy and fed. I have a list of tasks I need to do that I have been avoiding for a while but I finally feel I have the strength to tackle them, even if some require me talking on the phone!

Even when it feels like same shit different day everyday, you need to take all the small wins you can. Blessed be 💜

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Making a change.

Anarchyandanxiety1 Comment

I feel like I have been waiting for things to fall into place before I can start what I really want to do and all that is doing is delaying the inevitable.

I want to be successful at writing but in order to do this i need to write, setting my first task as a novel is probably a bit big so I need to start small. My blog is where I put my feelings about mental health but I’m thinking of expanding it.

I have my meme page and my about me page but I’m thinking of a short story page, where I can put the things I like to write about, small snippets of the book I have planned and short stories I have written. It would be good practice to take time when I can to write about anything.

Could I sell things on my page too? Like positivity boxes filled with goodies to keep you happy or maybe tarot readings? I’m not the best as I’m still learning but have had some good readings before. I also make beautiful spell candles for all sorts of moods, love, positivity, abundance and health. I usually gift them to family and friends but I could make them to sell.

I guess the point I’m asking the universe is this the right idea? I want to be able to make money from what I love and what I love is not working 9-5 and living miles from the ocean, not having the freedom to go wherever you want or the means to be able to get a license or car to do so. I have made many changes to be the person I want to be but I feel there is still so many more to come. Blessed be. 💜

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If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything.

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I haven’t posted for a while, I have written a few blog posts but haven’t published them.

I was reacting to a situation I have no control over, in fact I was ranting and although it is good to vent your frustrations, publishing them might not be best.

The conclusion I have come to over the last few weeks are simple when I think about them, I have no mother anymore.

I have tried forgiving and forgetting to no avail, I have successfully managed to remove myself from her but unfortunately my dad is still stuck there meaning I hear everything that goes on. All the manipulation and heartache, all the lies and ranting and how she gets such satisfaction out of hurting people so deeply but mostly just her self entitlement. For someone who spent her life putting others down she surely has a high opinion of herself!!

It is really hard not to react to the shit that spews out if her mouth when I can feel my blood boil, when she can believe her own lies so unwavering and gets a pure joy out of bringing others down.

As soon as the divorce is done and we have got my dad away she is going to die a very lonely, bitter old woman. I used to feel bad about that, slightly guilty that she will be alone but everyday she proves to me exactly why she deserves this. I have no responsibility to that woman and I look forward to the day I can tell her to her face.

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Unpopular opinion, I hate snow.

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Everyone has been buzzing around the south of England the last few days because the snow is coming. My daughter came bouncing into my room this morning, mum! look out the window, it’s snowing!!

Now while I will admit it looks very pretty all undisturbed from behind a window, I am not looking forward to being out in the cold ass snow tomorrow.

It makes travel a nightmare, it makes me cold and wet and I do not like the cold and wet, warm and wet tho….

I am hoping that it rains later today, washing all the snow away so tomorrow is just a normal work day and not a day where I have to move 100 boxes of aircraft records in the snow.

Being positivity, love and light I will enjoy the view from my window as I begin the housework, light my candles and say my affirmations to begin a day of cleansing. Blessed be 💜

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
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Morning person.

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I have never been a morning person, people who know me well just let me sleep because I am the grumpiest person to wake up but I have been trying to solve that.

My new morning routine has me awake a lot earlier than normal but it means I have time now to do ten minutes of yoga to wake me up and a five minute meditation before I leave and it makes me feel so positive every morning.

I need to find a nice balance for the weekend now, I’m still sleeping into ten and have no motivation but that needs to change. I need to be out in nature more and I need to help my daughter navigate her mental health through this new lockdown. How do you help someone find a hobby that really does not want one!?

I am taking my weekday morning routine as a win, a new healthy pattern I have set for myself now I just need to make sure everyone around me is ok too. Blessed be 💜

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Knowing and doing.

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Knowing and doing are two very different things. Take now for instance, I know I should be doing something, anything really to help shake the cloud I have felt over me the last few weeks but instead I am wallowing, why? I don’t know.

I should be meditating or doing some yoga to release the tension I have building yet I’m sat at my computer telling you all what I should be doing, all with the perfect excuse not too.

Clever!

Detrimental…..

some days it is easier to make my self follow the right patterns, knowing what needs to be done and doing it and then there are days like today where i just want to sleep, to hide and not feel anything. These are the days I need to force myself but I don’t have the energy, the willpower or to be completely honest the want to do it.

I tell myself I am allowed bad days and I am, the adjusting to full time work again and needing to re-evaluate everything is a big deal, I have set some large goals I want to achieve this year but cant do that sat on my backside worried about things I’m capable of fixing. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but I cant help it one small slip can feel like the slide back down to the dark.

So today I look for tomorrow, I look for a purpose to keep me moving and grateful for all that I have, I look for energy and guidance and hope that giving myself today is what is needed. Blessed be.

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A Covid Christmas.

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So Christmas this year wasn’t anything like how it was planned. I received and email from my daughters school two days before Christmas that she had been exposed to Covid 19 and now had to isolate for 10 days. I thought if we managed to get her a test and it was negative we could still celebrate as normal but on Christmas eve I received the positive result back for her, Christmas was cancelled.

We are very lucky to have such amazing families that helped us save the day, food and presents were brought and dropped in the garden, alcohol was purchased and in the end it was a lovely day spent together at home cooking, playing games and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

its known that Christmas is not my favourite time of year and I always struggle around January time with the lack of money and the massive build up to Christmas that’s over in a day. I cleared the house of all decorations and did a deep clean the day after boxing day as that always helps my mental health but I have really had to talk to myself the last few days. the incarceration (as it feels right now) is driving us all mad and I would give anything for a walk in the woods about now, the having to make myself do things and not just sit around the house in my PJs although there is a lot of that too.

My beautiful tree was knocked down in the wind the other day too, I tried to make it healthier and better but it didn’t work, I now need it removed but am trying to make as many things and use as much of it as I can in memory, my garden will look so bare with no tree. I’ve cleaned and cleared as much stuff as I can, I have sorted my alter and added the bits I received for Christmas, it always makes me happy meditating by my alter.

Focus is on the mental health and trying to decipher what I’m actually feeling and what is my illness right now, setting new goals I want to achieve but putting them in little easy to manage steps, that’s why I like my vision board, the board for the bigger picture and then my lists, the lists of all the small things I need to achieve the big things. From the outside I must look organized but spend five minutes in my head and you will realise its all a lie! Blessed Be.

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Novelty has worn off.

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Today is the last day of my first full week back to work. I have been a bit quiet recently trying to prepare myself to go back full time, I really liked my three day work week routine.

It has been hard, a lot harder than two days of work I’m completely capable of should be. I have struggled to stay motivated and be positive, I have been trying by using my crystals and saying my affirmations although I haven’t been meditating as much as I should be and that’s a bit disappointing.

I am lucky that my workplace is somewhere I feel safe and am allowed to express myself so I’m not really understanding the struggle. I’m sure once I get back into the swing of my new routine I will be fine but until then I have oils and crystals to keep me going. Blessed be 💜