knowledge · mental health · personal blog

Looking fresh!

Not me, the blog! I have changed the themes and colours, added some bits and removed some others. That’s the beauty of writing a personal blog, full creative control!

I always find these random places I want to visit or go too, a picture or story I find on the web which leads to a quick Google search and half an hour later I’m reading about myths and legends from centuries ago.

I have added a new page about my visit to Hever Castle last year and I really want to try and do some more about the places I visit and walks I go on. I love the history of my surroundings and enjoy learning new things.

I’m hoping I can become an amateur archaeologists one day, writing to make money and living in a van. It’s a dream! But for now I’m just soaking up as much information as is available and looking forward to my next new adventure! Blessed be πŸ’œ

mental health · personal blog

Feeling stuck.

I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.

I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.

My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?

It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be πŸ’œ

mental health · personal blog

So, I did a thing!

If you haven’t noticed by now I like to change my mind a lot, I like to learn a lot and I like to give myself unrealistic expectations.

So with that I enrolled in an archaeology diploma! I’ve already completed two assesments with a pass mark of 100% and I’m so excited for the rest. I understand this does nothing for my career prospects but for my confidence and learning capacity it’s great!!

There are several other courses I have put on my wishlist that could help with making money so they will be the next step.

I’m still trying to move home although getting to the area I want is proving very difficult, I may have to broaden the search and hope for the best. The driving license isn’t any closer either every time I save up something happens and I need to spend the money, I’m still hoping on the lottery win.

I have plans, big plans that I want to do but wether or not I get there is down to me, I need to put the work in and I need to stop just saying these things but actually doing them! To the first step if many! Blessed be πŸ’œ

mental health · personal blog

Feeling exhausted.

I’m exhausted, not because I haven’t slept properly just because I feel like Im being drained.

I’m exhausted of constantly battling the thoughts in my head, I’m exhausted of trying to be positive and grateful when every part of my being just wants to crawl in a dark space and hide. I’m exhausted of overthinking every decision I make so I just don’t do anything, if it doesn’t get started I can’t fuck it up.

I have kept to my routine as much as physically possible this week, I have made myself move, talk and walk yet this cloud will not go away. I can’t go to the dark place of hiding and not moving because will I ever move again?

I am asking for any positivity and energy that can be sent my way, I have my crystals and will meditate for five mins every time I feel myself fall today. Blessed be πŸ’œ

All else fails, hug a tree!
mental health · personal blog

Feeling like I have let myself down.

The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.

You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.

It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be πŸ’œ

I made it, I’m still here.
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The sneaky panic attack.

My panic attacks have become few and far between lately, I put it down to a clear routine that I work towards, daily meditation and exercise in the morning. But, after all of that, I still found myself sitting at the end of my bed Friday morning trying desperately to breath my way out of one.

I had my smear test booked and I know it’s very overdue, the results were not great last time and the voice in the back of my head keeps telling me I’ve left it too long. I keep telling myself that it’s just my depression talking but I also know there is a grain of truth to it.

I think I had worked myself up to the panic attack over thinking every situation in my head always ending with worse case scenario. Moral of the story, don’t overthink everything and go to appointments when they are initially booked, health is not something to be procrastinated.

So now I just try to stick to my routine, wait for the results and hope that everything will be ok. Blessed be πŸ’œ

Every little step is still a move forward and I’m proud of you πŸ₯°
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Where do I start!

Now I have decided what I want to do and where to go from here it feels like the more I read and research the more confused I become….

Opening a business and agreeing to the whole wide world judging you and having an opinion on your lifestyle is a big step! Can I even do it!?

Trying to be successful with a mental health issues is like trying to fill a bucket with holes drilled into the sides, at least that is how I feel right now. Opinions and doubts coming from all directions and just one really, my brain! I am my own worst enemy, the master of procrastination, able to talk myself out of any decisions I make.

It’s time to stop talking and actually start doing something. Please send some positive motivation my way if you have some spare, I need everything I can get! But for now I have my crystals, my cards and my determination to be better than yesterday. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Springs first BBQ.

Yesterday was a very good day. I woke up feeling a bit shit but knew I had invited over my dad for an Easter BBQ, I had already braved the shopping and the fridge and freezer was fully stocked so it was just prep and cooking to tackle.

I had a shower and envisioned all my bad mood just flowing away with the water, I wore my crystals and out on a full face of make up which made me feel pretty.

Once I got in the flow I was cool, a drink in my hand and hidden by the smoke of the BBQ making sure everyone is well fed, my dad made a comment about me being at home there which I guess I do, but to do it as a job again….. Far to stressful!

It was a great day, the drinks and conversation was flowing, the sun was shining all day which was amazing and everyone was full and happy, I gave thanks and gratitude before I went to bed as I felt blessed, I now pass some of that on to all who need it. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Trusting my intuition.

I have been reading a lot about Tarot cards and having the ability to read them. I have always felt a draw to the cards and thought I would attempt to give it a go, I have always believed I had a great intuition when my anxiety wasn’t in control as it is always telling me abort whatever I was doing. Apparently, my grandmother on my father’s side had the ability to see things before they happened, she had the sixth sense if you will and it has made me even more determined to understand the cards.

I started Practicing on myself first of course, reading my own cards in the morning and just asking them what today had in store, then I progressed to asking questions to the cards with surprising results. I’m not saying they had the ability to tell me my day in detail, but they did ring true with some deeper things I wasn’t prepared to share. It has only been recently I have read cards for other people; I make it clear I am just a beginner and only read people I know, but again my intuitions have been said to ring true and the more I open myself up to the cards the deeper I fell I understand them. I am by no means a clairvoyance, but I am just trying to trust my intuition and find the talents I have for the Spiritual world.

It is a learning curve for sure but something I really want to be good with, I have learnt a few spells to bind my cards to me and have given a few cards I pulled for family and friends in gift boxes. My sister bought me a beautiful cat box inscribed with protection runes that I keep my cards in to ensure no outside negative influence. For now I will just read the people around me and see what things I pick up on for each read, its the only way to get better. I hope that anyone reading this gets a good piece of news today, a little snippet of information to make you smile, Blessed be.

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Learning to grow.

I have spoken a few times on here about wanting a side hustle, to be able to make money from what I love doing but every time I try to move forward another bill lands on the mat and I realize all over again I need a 9-5 to survive.

So I have come up with an idea, I’m not sure if it will work or be of any interest but it’s the first time I’ve felt I could be on the right track. I have my favourite tattoo on my back that I’m going to turn into an awesome logo with anarchy and anxiety and see what I can print it on and sell. I have been sending my short stories to all sorts of people hoping I could get some work from that too. I just need a chance or an idea to be able to work my butt off and prove I have what it takes.

My blog is growing day by day, more interaction, positive feedback and new people reading from all over the world. This is what makes me happy and this is what I want to be doing so if anyone has any tips and tricks to help me push myself to the next level please let me know! Blessed be. πŸ’œ

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Research and understanding.

I had my first bad comment today, it was on social media so it doesn’t really count but for about five seconds it really knocked me back. Until I realised its just someone who has nothing better to do with their time than mock others, not the audience I was hoping for but at least people are reading It I guess…..

I have been reading a lot of different books and researching a lot on the internet about what it means to be Pagan. No two books have the exact same interpretation of Paganism because everyone has their own way of interpreting faith and life. Ultimately the idea is to respect all living creatures and mother earth, to have faith in the gods and/or goddess whichever path you chose, I believe that is what has drawn me so much towards this faith.

I have always claimed that nature is my church and that is always where I have felt the most magical and peaceful, the flowing rivers and the blowing tree’s, the little creatures all just carrying on about their day. I have always been interested in history and always fascinated by the cunning woman or the old lady who everyone would go to cure their illnesses. knowing that nature will always have a cure in some form or another. now don’t get me wrong I’m not about to give up my prescribed medication but the idea I could grow and make things that just might make things a little better, plus there is always the placebo effect. If I tell myself then I will succeed, like my therapist said you can’t get rid of the bad thoughts coming into your head, but you can control how you react to them. I know it’s so corny, but it works if you do it enough. so, is that what they mean by magic? I know obviously Harry Potter isn’t real, but the old cunning lady could be… I’m investigating as the meditation has already done wonders for me.

For today I am just trying to be grateful for all that I have, to ask for clarity with the new full moon and to keep the motivation I feel right now for all the projects I have in the works. Blessed Be.

Photo by Joy Marino on Pexels.com
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Same shit different day

I tend to not write on days there isn’t much going on but I’m going to change that. Half of the mental health battle is just being a functioning human being on a day to day basis. When you have days that you can get up and ready, can leave the house and do the things you had planned they should be celebrated as a win and not palmed off as “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”

I haven’t done anything special today, I got up and ready, I’ve come to work and I will go home and feed everyone. That is my daily routine to make sure the house doesn’t fall down and to make sure everyone is happy and fed. I have a list of tasks I need to do that I have been avoiding for a while but I finally feel I have the strength to tackle them, even if some require me talking on the phone!

Even when it feels like same shit different day everyday, you need to take all the small wins you can. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Making a change.

I feel like I have been waiting for things to fall into place before I can start what I really want to do and all that is doing is delaying the inevitable.

I want to be successful at writing but in order to do this i need to write, setting my first task as a novel is probably a bit big so I need to start small. My blog is where I put my feelings about mental health but I’m thinking of expanding it.

I have my meme page and my about me page but I’m thinking of a short story page, where I can put the things I like to write about, small snippets of the book I have planned and short stories I have written. It would be good practice to take time when I can to write about anything.

Could I sell things on my page too? Like positivity boxes filled with goodies to keep you happy or maybe tarot readings? I’m not the best as I’m still learning but have had some good readings before. I also make beautiful spell candles for all sorts of moods, love, positivity, abundance and health. I usually gift them to family and friends but I could make them to sell.

I guess the point I’m asking the universe is this the right idea? I want to be able to make money from what I love and what I love is not working 9-5 and living miles from the ocean, not having the freedom to go wherever you want or the means to be able to get a license or car to do so. I have made many changes to be the person I want to be but I feel there is still so many more to come. Blessed be. πŸ’œ

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Top tips for a panic attack.

These are the best ways I find to calm myself out of a panic attack, I hope you can use any of these to make yourself deal better with anxiety.

Grounding.

I find grounding helps if I am at home and sitting still isn’t helping me calm down. Take off your shoes and socks and go outside to find some grass, stand and wiggle your toes within the grass. Feel how it feels, wet and cold or soft and warm and imagine roots growing from your feet, solid but winding down into the earth, grounding you and connecting you, try to meditate there for a while.

Senses game.

This tactic helps me a lot when I am out in public and I’m trying not to draw attention to myself. Name 5 things you can see, name 4 things you can hear, name three things you can touch, name two things you can smell and lastly one thing you can taste. I find once I have though about all the things to name my heart beats at a better rate and I can control my breathing a lot better.

Breath work.

I usually use this method after i have used one of the other ones but if you can feel a panic attack coming and want to try and stop it I find this one can be beneficial as long as you spot the signs early enough. It’s a simple as counting your breath like you do when you meditate, count too 2 breathing in then count too 3 as you breath out. You can change the times to suit your breath but the breath out should always be a bit longer than a breath in, regulating your breathing can also help with the feeling of losing control so a good tactic to have up your sleeve.

There are many different ways to help yourself get through a panic attack but I have found these ways work best for me and I hope they help you out next time you feel overwhelmed with anxiety. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything.

I haven’t posted for a while, I have written a few blog posts but haven’t published them.

I was reacting to a situation I have no control over, in fact I was ranting and although it is good to vent your frustrations, publishing them might not be best.

The conclusion I have come to over the last few weeks are simple when I think about them, I have no mother anymore.

I have tried forgiving and forgetting to no avail, I have successfully managed to remove myself from her but unfortunately my dad is still stuck there meaning I hear everything that goes on. All the manipulation and heartache, all the lies and ranting and how she gets such satisfaction out of hurting people so deeply but mostly just her self entitlement. For someone who spent her life putting others down she surely has a high opinion of herself!!

It is really hard not to react to the shit that spews out if her mouth when I can feel my blood boil, when she can believe her own lies so unwavering and gets a pure joy out of bringing others down.

As soon as the divorce is done and we have got my dad away she is going to die a very lonely, bitter old woman. I used to feel bad about that, slightly guilty that she will be alone but everyday she proves to me exactly why she deserves this. I have no responsibility to that woman and I look forward to the day I can tell her to her face.

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Unpopular opinion, I hate snow.

Everyone has been buzzing around the south of England the last few days because the snow is coming. My daughter came bouncing into my room this morning, mum! look out the window, it’s snowing!!

Now while I will admit it looks very pretty all undisturbed from behind a window, I am not looking forward to being out in the cold ass snow tomorrow.

It makes travel a nightmare, it makes me cold and wet and I do not like the cold and wet, warm and wet tho….

I am hoping that it rains later today, washing all the snow away so tomorrow is just a normal work day and not a day where I have to move 100 boxes of aircraft records in the snow.

Being positivity, love and light I will enjoy the view from my window as I begin the housework, light my candles and say my affirmations to begin a day of cleansing. Blessed be πŸ’œ

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
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Morning person.

I have never been a morning person, people who know me well just let me sleep because I am the grumpiest person to wake up but I have been trying to solve that.

My new morning routine has me awake a lot earlier than normal but it means I have time now to do ten minutes of yoga to wake me up and a five minute meditation before I leave and it makes me feel so positive every morning.

I need to find a nice balance for the weekend now, I’m still sleeping into ten and have no motivation but that needs to change. I need to be out in nature more and I need to help my daughter navigate her mental health through this new lockdown. How do you help someone find a hobby that really does not want one!?

I am taking my weekday morning routine as a win, a new healthy pattern I have set for myself now I just need to make sure everyone around me is ok too. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Novelty has worn off.

Today is the last day of my first full week back to work. I have been a bit quiet recently trying to prepare myself to go back full time, I really liked my three day work week routine.

It has been hard, a lot harder than two days of work I’m completely capable of should be. I have struggled to stay motivated and be positive, I have been trying by using my crystals and saying my affirmations although I haven’t been meditating as much as I should be and that’s a bit disappointing.

I am lucky that my workplace is somewhere I feel safe and am allowed to express myself so I’m not really understanding the struggle. I’m sure once I get back into the swing of my new routine I will be fine but until then I have oils and crystals to keep me going. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Smiling brightly!

I have many reasons to smile at the moment, a roof over my head and food in the fridge, a family I love and job that needs me but I have always had one big problem with my confidence. My smile.

I have extremely bad teeth, it’s embarrassing to admit to the big wide world but they are awful and really knock my confidence when it comes to smiling and talking. My dentist says I have mastered using my lips to cover my teeth when talking so I guess I’m good at that 🀷

The reason I am telling you all this is because I made a rather large purchase for me this week and it’s exciting and terrifying all at the same time. I bought some clip on veneers and not the cheap ones. I’m hoping and praying they are everything I want them to be, that they help my confidence and take the last part of me I truly dislike away, at least in public.

We will see how they turn out I guess in a few weeks, I completed the impressions earlier today and hopefully will send them off soon. It’s a lot of money to spend just on me and it’s hard not to feel selfish in the grand scheme of things but the alternative was alot more and it’s something I have struggled with for a while. Blessed be! πŸ’œ

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Where do I fit in?

Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.


As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key.
When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.

Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason.
I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.

At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered.
My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.

Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Back to normal… For lockdown 2.0

I was so excited to go back to work this week, back to my desk and normality. Having a reason to get up and dressed and use some brain function, felt amazing!

But then lockdown happened again, there has been a confirmed case of covid at my daughter’s school, not her year or her “bubble” but you know it won’t be long and then we all have to quarantine.

For now I am just trying to stay positive, wash our hands and all have sanitizer, only leave the house if we absolutely have too and show as much love and compassion to anyone who needs it. There are tough times all around so please remember to be kind.

I will continue to be a normal productive member of society until I am told to stay home indefinitely, enjoying the small bit of normality I can before it crashes down again for Christmas. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Bitten in the butt!

I had a wonderful epiphany the other day, I want a room outside where I can sit in the dry, where my teenager can chill with her friends that’s not in my house so I bought a gazebo! Genius.

Not so much, you live in England! I have this thing tied down in every corner, I have it tied to my house and the fence yet the poles keep popping out. The wind sounds like it’s going to take the whole thing away and the sides have ripped where they should be tied. Not so genius!

I am due to go back to work this week so have been sorting the house out ready for winter just incase I don’t have time later on. I completely gutted the garden so it looked fresh during winter and didn’t make me sad, hence the wonderful gazebo idea. The house is all clean and tidy, and my mind feels clear with it ready to re-enter society.

I shall try not to be sad about my bad idea, we all have them and as long as we use them as a lesson then it was all for a reason, no matter how frustrating. Now to try and take this thing down. Wish me luck. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Full moon energy.

I feel very mixed emotions and energies today, I’ve put it down to the full moon but I can’t be certain that’s all it is.

I start second guessing and overthinking. I feel so sad and angry with no valid reason why. I feel I want to socialize and isolate all at the same time. I really want to put on four layers of clothes and go walking in the rain but can’t be bothered to explain why I want to do it alone.

So many awful things have happened in my town this week too that it honestly doesn’t feel safe walking alone in the dark, especially through wooded areas! Community isn’t an option anymore for someone trying to find their way either as apparently a second lockdown is imminent.

I spent today cleaning and cleansing my crystals so I can charge them under the blue moon on Halloween, trying to clear my mind and shake this feeling but it’s proving impossible. I would give my right arm for a bath this evening but with only a wet room a shower is my only option.

I’m going to meditate for a bit and cleanse myself in the shower hoping the moon can charge me too! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Feeling positive about moving forward.

I have been away restoring my mental health the last few weeks. It seems to be a system I need to work through every few months. Self care and reassuring myself I am on the right path. Every time I wobble I get a reminder that I am not in this alone. A sign to say I am supported.

I have been one of the very lucky ones during this pandemic only losing my job last month, but was hired again this week! Back to where I feel safe, back to where I can work and know the people around me know me, understand me and I don’t have to go back to square one exposing myself all over again.

It sounds bad but my cards have always told me not to worry so I didn’t, even when I thought it had all gone wrong I was secretly confident it would all work out.

I have been reading my cards and saying my affirmations every morning, thanking my guides and showing appreciation for all I have. I will be setting my crystal grids today and meditating on them for positive vibes and motivation, sending it out to all who need it. In dark days all it takes sometimes is a ear to listen and healthy vibrations to feel so I am trying my hardest to send them out to you all, you are amazing! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Alone time.

I was worried when everyone went back to work that I would be lonely, that having no one with me all day was going to be bad for my mental health but I forgot how much I did love being alone.

Peace and quiet to do as I please, want to read a book with no interruptions, go ahead! Want to bake lots of goodies and feel fat? Do that too! Want a nap in the afternoon after a walk in the woods? Why not! Just me and my spirit guides chilling.

It’s nice when everyone gets home too, I miss them and want to hear all about their days, I want to make dinner and listen to all the stories. It’s going to be so different when I go back to work.

I still don’t know what’s going on with work for me, applying for lots of different jobs and trying to get back to normality even if I really don’t want too. I must remember all I have learnt about self care and managing my anxiety for when I enter society again.

Sending love and light to all who need it, requesting motivation and energy to all who can spare it. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Night time energy….

I love it when I get a burst of energy, I don’t love it so much when it comes at 9pm. I want to clean and tidy, I want to sort and organized and everyone else wants to chill out.

When I have these burst of energy during the day I know by evening the whole house will smell and look amazing, I’m always concerned it just means I will be awake all night when it arrives late.

I’m not sure what to do at this time to use my energy that doesn’t involve me being awake at midnight. I can’t sit still to read a book or meditate I could paint or draw I guess but that still involves sitting still. Can I justify sorting out all the towels and bed sheets etc….

I will start small and hope I’m not still pottering around at 1am. If anyone has any craft ideas feel free to send me some links! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Coming or going? Who knows!

I have two moods at the moment and switching between the two is getting exhausting. Happy me is cool, she gets shit done and meditates, she talks to people and is positive! Moody me is draining, always bored and tired, never has any motivation to rectify this situation and expects everyone else to it all for her but without her having to communicate a thing!

I can start the day one way and end the other but trying to purposefully change them, impossible! I have to remind myself to catch my negative thoughts, I’m constantly analysing every word that flows through my brain to the point I can’t tell what’s right and what’s made up.

This is where therapy and self care come into saving me from my mental health, being my escape from my own brain. Meditation is best for this but it’s not always possible to get into the right mind set, you have to think of it as training. It’s a muscle you need to make strong to be able to use it to it’s best potential so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to figure it out, I’m still learning every time.

If you are struggling then take some time out for yourself, tell yourself you need to time to recharge. Take a hot bath or read a book or article you have been wanting too. Go for a walk to somewhere you have never been before or your favourite spot, just be in nature for a while. There are so many ways that you can self care just find the ones you enjoy and take time to really enjoy them, savour them and in your times of need, revisit them.

Thank you for reading more of my ramblings, if I struggle to figure myself out I do wonder what you all must think? Today I send you all love and light, positive energy and acceptance. Whoever you are and wherever you are, love yourself! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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World mental health day.

Today is world mental health day, a day to try and be kind to everyone, we all have our demons and everyone deserves kindness.

There are lots of platforms to reach out too if you are struggling. We are lucky here in the UK to have the NHS, sometimes you have to fight to be heard but please don’t stop fighting. Talking to anyone can help, the Samaritans or mind or even a friend.

Whatever you are struggling with you are not alone, there is help available for you, you just need to reach out. I know that in itself can be terrifying but think of it as the first step back to you.

We are strong, we are worth all the love that we receive and give ourselves. Blessed be. πŸ’œ

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Adding to my crystal collection.

As I was walking through my local town center today I spotted an unusual stool I hadn’t noticed. It had so many beautiful crystals, Himalayan salt lamps, dreamcatchers and native American pictures. I was in awe! I took it as a sign that I was due a few more crystals to help raise my vibration and cheer me up.

I bought some beautiful raw emerald, pyrite, aquamarine, selenite stick, purple howler and and a beautiful agate slice of amythyst which I gave to my daughter. Coming home and adding them to my collection makes me feel good, when I wake up tomorrow and say my affirmation I have more sparkling items to make me smile.

I need to ensure I’m completing my morning routine everyday as I really notice the difference when I don’t. It’s my new form of self sabotage it seems, I will beat this and I will gain control again. I can only be responsible for myself and my own reactions and as long as I am aware and trying to make a difference for my future then I’m proud!! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Keeping your calm can be the best thing to do.

Today has been a test. It has tested me more than it has in a very long time but I managed to keep my cool and hold down my reaction, to talk it through reasonably and express myself the way I wanted too.

The stress and emotional abuse our family has received from my mother, it doesn’t even sound right calling her that, from this woman who destroyed everything is getting beyond a joke. She has pushed buttons for reactions, made false accusations to make her sound like a victim and is making my poor dad’s life a living hell.

We have a while to wait for proceedings of my parents divorce so it means it won’t be the end of the instigations from her but I’m just proud I have learned not to react to them, not to say the things she wants to hear, not to even get emotional. It has taken years of therapy and CBT to get to this point.

All I can do is be there for my dad, continue supporting him and each other until this awful time is over. I will have my time where I can say my piece and it won’t effect anyone else, I can do it in a calm and effective manor. Explain to her exactly how her actions have impacted each and everyone of us and never have contact again.

Thank you for all your continued support and kind words, it means so much to me to get them. You are wonderful people and I will be continuing to work on myself and making sure I’m a good person! Blessed be.

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David Attenborough, real legend.

I woke up this morning feeling a bit disheveled, still sleepy and unsure what to do with my day. My half asleep brain thought David Attenborough’s new documentary on Netflix would be good morning TV.

As much as I love watching nature, as much as I love and respect that man so much I have realised, we as humans suck. It is really hard to have one part of me that’s wants to bring us all together, to teach and inform every generation of mistakes made and problems solved. Yet another part of me hates people, I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations, I hate expressing myself to be belittled and looked at like I’m crazy.

I don’t know what world I’m leaving to my daughter but all I can do is my part. I am a very small fish in an ocean but I’m trying! Adding this to the pressure already constantly in my head is not good but also necessary. I just don’t know what to do that can make a difference. Any ideas? Blessed be.

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Feeling supported.

There aren’t many mornings I wake up with energy so I make the most of them. I have been to town and replenished my candles as well as grabbing some incense, I have done all my housework and have the second load of washing on.

It doesn’t seem like much and in the grand scheme of things its not but for me it is a win! I am still looking for work, still unsure of what I actually want to do. I am still trying to find my yoga routine a slot but it seems to differ each day.

I want to share some of the positive energy I have today with you all, I want to help anyone struggling to human today. You are amazing, you are worth all the love you receive and you are not alone. Blessed be.

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Building my vision board.

Another way I’m trying to help my motivation to get back to the normal world of people is a vision board, more self help books and blogs have helped me start my journal so the next thing I think will help is a vision board.

On there I have; find a job and spend more time with my family, to do more yoga and remember to meditate everyday. I just need to do one thing every time I walk past and read it and I’m winning!

Sunday has always been housework day but since I’m not at work I have noticed its a lot easier to do it on Monday when there is no one in the house so Sundays have become the lazy day, if only I had a working oven I could cook a big sunday roast! Alas it’s sausage, egg, beans and chips. Another British classic!

I hope that you are all enjoying your Sunday, I hope you have family and warmth, love and light, peace and calm. Blessed be.

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Sliding down to climb back up.

I am constantly reminded that my illness has a mind of its own. I have been a bit up and down the last few weeks, trying to stay motivated and keeping things running but sometimes it’s just so hard.

It’s hard not to let my mood effect the people around me, it’s hard to not want to be around the people you love. You know that you are hurting their feelings by reacting the way you are but you can’t stop that voice in your head saying all these nasty things, you just have to not repeat them.

The negativity surrounds you like a cloud and no matter how hard you try to blow it away it seems to just grow bigger. So to get out of my own head I need to make others smile, I need to concentrate on making someone else happy and then maybe it will lift my cloud.

I will be cleansing my crystals, watering my flowers, meditating and doing anything my family ask for to give me some direction, some plan and reason to this blurry mess right now. Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Happy birthday blog!!

Today marks the one year anniversary of me starting my blog. I haven’t achieved every thing I wanted too but I still feel I have done something.

I have lots of followers on several platforms, I have written about my everyday life by not gone into some details I wanted too. There is still time! I have raised over Β£100 for charity by doing a 8 mile walk and I have boosted my confidence.

I shared my spiritual journey with you all and have several pages within my blog for inspirational meme’s, things I enjoy doing and the charity walk I have done. If you could all just visit my page, add a comment and help me make year two the year I take off!! I have so much still to share with you all and can’t wait to see what year two brings.

Thank you all so much for being with me during this difficult time, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings and comment on my questions, it really does mean everything to me! Blessed be πŸ’œ

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Is there a bully group chat!?

I shared my post with you guys last week about bullying, about the issues my daughter was facing and that I understood how she feels. And then I get a follow request from one of my bullies!?

I had a problem with this “woman” since I was in my teens. She looks down her nose at me and called me all sorts of names. Fast forward ten years and She then decided to sleep with my fiance and get pregnant, don’t get me wrong he certainly enjoyed the fact of how much we dislike each other too.

Following this I get approximately three years of abuse. Calls in the middle of the night, text messages full of nasty comments, coming up to me in the street anytime she saw me, again shouting abuse wether my daughter was there or not. It finally ended after I had a harassment order and restraining order placed against her.

Welcome back to today! I haven’t heard, seen or had any contact since 2014 until I have the police called for my daughter then pops up a follow request. I deleted and ignored but it’s playing on my mind.

Why do bullys feel the need to check in? I’ve had messages from my daughter’s bullies asking me how dare I bring the police into this…. I’ve had requests from my bullies suddenly popping up. What the hell is happening!?

So today is a day of cleansing. I will be burning my sage sticks around the house and myself, I will be setting up my crystal grid so promote positive vibes and cleansing energies and may even attempt a clear all curses spell, just to make sure!! I hope you all enjoy your wonders day!

Please visit my blog and read about my sponsored walk I’m completing on the 5th sept for an amazing little boy. We need to raise as much as we possibly can and I would really appreciate all the help we can receive for him!! Blessed be.

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To be grateful…

What am i grateful for? Lots really. I have an awesome support unit with my husband, my sister, my dad and my daughter, I have a great support unit far an wide with family all over the country. I have a home I love even if I am thinking of leaving it. I am grateful for life, for waking up every morning, be it a good mood or bad, for wanting to heal myself and for starting this journey I had talked about for so long.

Yesterday was a good day, the sun was out and I got the pool out, BBQ food was amazing and I do love feeding my family. I dont have many talents but I can cook! My alter is constantly being changed and bits added or removed I just love meditating surrounded by my plants and incense, candles and lights. It’s my happy place.

If I could ask all you lovely people to please please click on my blog and read my page about Jacobs Journey, it’s a charity walk I am doing to raise money for a very special little boy. Any donations received will be amazing. Pop a comment on the page so I can try to keep track. Blessed be β™₯️

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I know wasn’t alone today.

I have had an extra bit of energy today, a little helping hand with my mood. I was organized and productive, I was positive and happy, I was not lazy or snappy. Who am I? Some days you win and today was definitely a win. I Spent some time with my daughter bonding over Disney films and how much Maths sucks, why teach one way then change it all around? I don’t know the way they teach you, only the way I know!

The weather was beautiful and I managed to meditate in the garden for a while, until I could feel the sun begin to burn my head, I filled up the small paddling pool we have in anticipation for the hot weather due, cue good old English rain.

Thank you for all the positive vibes you guys have been sending back I truly am feeling them, I know I am not alone and I have people watching over me and people on my side. tomorrow is about giving back in any way I can, to the birds or the children, the support unit or total strangers. we need a bit more nice in the world. Blessed be.

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I found some peace today.

I finally had a good nights sleep last night, although I did kind of miss the bird song this morning. I have been a productive human, sort of. I woke up and read my cards, I tidied up a bit and did some yoga, ok, I thought about yoga but I didn’t pull myself off the sofa until 11am. I went to town and got some bits I needed for my ritual, I cooked a lovely dinner and I did a little bit of planting as I got some new succulents while I was out, a bit of life for my Alter.

I am still thinking of writing a book, but I honestly don’t know what to write about. I feel I have no imagination at the moment and have no inspiration for a story. I was always so good at this when I was at school, I would get bored and just whack out a 10 page short story just for fun, no I cant even pick a genre! I have been writing in my book of shadows, although there isn’t much in there as I haven’t done many rituals, I have a bigger save file on the computer for research.

For now I will just put my ramblings on here for you all to read, I have noticed more people read all the time and this makes me so happy! any tips, tricks and conversations anyone would like to have I’m open for discussion. Blessed Be.