A Covid Christmas.

So Christmas this year wasn’t anything like how it was planned. I received and email from my daughters school two days before Christmas that she had been exposed to Covid 19 and now had to isolate for 10 days. I thought if we managed to get her a test and it was negative we could still celebrate as normal but on Christmas eve I received the positive result back for her, Christmas was cancelled.

We are very lucky to have such amazing families that helped us save the day, food and presents were brought and dropped in the garden, alcohol was purchased and in the end it was a lovely day spent together at home cooking, playing games and drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

its known that Christmas is not my favourite time of year and I always struggle around January time with the lack of money and the massive build up to Christmas that’s over in a day. I cleared the house of all decorations and did a deep clean the day after boxing day as that always helps my mental health but I have really had to talk to myself the last few days. the incarceration (as it feels right now) is driving us all mad and I would give anything for a walk in the woods about now, the having to make myself do things and not just sit around the house in my PJs although there is a lot of that too.

My beautiful tree was knocked down in the wind the other day too, I tried to make it healthier and better but it didn’t work, I now need it removed but am trying to make as many things and use as much of it as I can in memory, my garden will look so bare with no tree. I’ve cleaned and cleared as much stuff as I can, I have sorted my alter and added the bits I received for Christmas, it always makes me happy meditating by my alter.

Focus is on the mental health and trying to decipher what I’m actually feeling and what is my illness right now, setting new goals I want to achieve but putting them in little easy to manage steps, that’s why I like my vision board, the board for the bigger picture and then my lists, the lists of all the small things I need to achieve the big things. From the outside I must look organized but spend five minutes in my head and you will realise its all a lie! Blessed Be.

Not all days are good or bad, some are just meh.

All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.

Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?

I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.