Alone time.

I was worried when everyone went back to work that I would be lonely, that having no one with me all day was going to be bad for my mental health but I forgot how much I did love being alone.

Peace and quiet to do as I please, want to read a book with no interruptions, go ahead! Want to bake lots of goodies and feel fat? Do that too! Want a nap in the afternoon after a walk in the woods? Why not! Just me and my spirit guides chilling.

It’s nice when everyone gets home too, I miss them and want to hear all about their days, I want to make dinner and listen to all the stories. It’s going to be so different when I go back to work.

I still don’t know what’s going on with work for me, applying for lots of different jobs and trying to get back to normality even if I really don’t want too. I must remember all I have learnt about self care and managing my anxiety for when I enter society again.

Sending love and light to all who need it, requesting motivation and energy to all who can spare it. Blessed be πŸ’œ

Night time energy….

I love it when I get a burst of energy, I don’t love it so much when it comes at 9pm. I want to clean and tidy, I want to sort and organized and everyone else wants to chill out.

When I have these burst of energy during the day I know by evening the whole house will smell and look amazing, I’m always concerned it just means I will be awake all night when it arrives late.

I’m not sure what to do at this time to use my energy that doesn’t involve me being awake at midnight. I can’t sit still to read a book or meditate I could paint or draw I guess but that still involves sitting still. Can I justify sorting out all the towels and bed sheets etc….

I will start small and hope I’m not still pottering around at 1am. If anyone has any craft ideas feel free to send me some links! Blessed be πŸ’œ

Coming or going? Who knows!

I have two moods at the moment and switching between the two is getting exhausting. Happy me is cool, she gets shit done and meditates, she talks to people and is positive! Moody me is draining, always bored and tired, never has any motivation to rectify this situation and expects everyone else to it all for her but without her having to communicate a thing!

I can start the day one way and end the other but trying to purposefully change them, impossible! I have to remind myself to catch my negative thoughts, I’m constantly analysing every word that flows through my brain to the point I can’t tell what’s right and what’s made up.

This is where therapy and self care come into saving me from my mental health, being my escape from my own brain. Meditation is best for this but it’s not always possible to get into the right mind set, you have to think of it as training. It’s a muscle you need to make strong to be able to use it to it’s best potential so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to figure it out, I’m still learning every time.

If you are struggling then take some time out for yourself, tell yourself you need to time to recharge. Take a hot bath or read a book or article you have been wanting too. Go for a walk to somewhere you have never been before or your favourite spot, just be in nature for a while. There are so many ways that you can self care just find the ones you enjoy and take time to really enjoy them, savour them and in your times of need, revisit them.

Thank you for reading more of my ramblings, if I struggle to figure myself out I do wonder what you all must think? Today I send you all love and light, positive energy and acceptance. Whoever you are and wherever you are, love yourself! Blessed be πŸ’œ

Adding to my crystal collection.

As I was walking through my local town center today I spotted an unusual stool I hadn’t noticed. It had so many beautiful crystals, Himalayan salt lamps, dreamcatchers and native American pictures. I was in awe! I took it as a sign that I was due a few more crystals to help raise my vibration and cheer me up.

I bought some beautiful raw emerald, pyrite, aquamarine, selenite stick, purple howler and and a beautiful agate slice of amythyst which I gave to my daughter. Coming home and adding them to my collection makes me feel good, when I wake up tomorrow and say my affirmation I have more sparkling items to make me smile.

I need to ensure I’m completing my morning routine everyday as I really notice the difference when I don’t. It’s my new form of self sabotage it seems, I will beat this and I will gain control again. I can only be responsible for myself and my own reactions and as long as I am aware and trying to make a difference for my future then I’m proud!! Blessed be πŸ’œ

Now is the time, to do what exactly?

Unfortunately I feel very much back at square 1 right now, like so many other people during these uncertain times I have been made redundant. Through no fault of anyone or anything other than the situation of the world right now, the pandemic, the virus and everything else that seems to be brewing around too. I have been trying really hard to keep up my routine, to find some solace in anything I can to stop me falling into the darkness.

The whole idea of job searching is exhausting and terrifying. The process of meeting new people and putting myself out in a world I feel I haven’t really been a part of since last year has my anxiety so high. The idea of the world that is out there, the world I am raising my family in is also just as terrifying. Depression seems to like that one, it keeps asking what my intentions are when the whole world falls apart, I don’t have any!? die with the masses I guess…. and there is it’s reason to get me into bed and just not bother.

Where is my drive? Where is the woman who was fearless and an adrenaline junkie? who loved a challenge and fought hard for the things she believed in? I don’t know anymore. I thought she was still in there somewhere, I thought she had found her feet again and was getting ready to stand tall but when I need her the most she’s hiding in the pit of my stomach screaming at me! Square one again.

With trying to stay positive I have updated my CV which at least makes me sound like a productive member of society who is capable of holding down a job, I have considered higher education at the ripe old age of 33, A levels in English and History as they are my two passions in life and to carry on with my spiritual learning, still wanting to find someone to connect with on this, to help guide me, as with everything now I just feel lost.

Now is the perfect time for me to decide what it is exactly I want to do, what makes me happy? what would mix my passions and be able to make me an income? or is that asking too much? do I focus on myself and my mental health first and worry about work later? do I just get a job for now and figure things out along the way? do I make a plan and stick to it to further my education?

For now I’m going to apply for a few jobs I really am interested in hoping my new updated CV gets me a look, I am then going to make a hot cup of tea, find a comfy spot and read some self care books. I have increased my collection substantially over the last few months, so much so I have had to purchase a new bookcase to store all my books together, better get reading! Blessed be and thankyou for reading, all of your support and nice comments really makes me feel I have a purpose, if 1 person can read and relate to what my crazy brain spits out I feel a little less isolated.