mental health · personal blog

Feeling stuck.

I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.

I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.

My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?

It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be 💜

mental health · personal blog

So, I did a thing!

If you haven’t noticed by now I like to change my mind a lot, I like to learn a lot and I like to give myself unrealistic expectations.

So with that I enrolled in an archaeology diploma! I’ve already completed two assesments with a pass mark of 100% and I’m so excited for the rest. I understand this does nothing for my career prospects but for my confidence and learning capacity it’s great!!

There are several other courses I have put on my wishlist that could help with making money so they will be the next step.

I’m still trying to move home although getting to the area I want is proving very difficult, I may have to broaden the search and hope for the best. The driving license isn’t any closer either every time I save up something happens and I need to spend the money, I’m still hoping on the lottery win.

I have plans, big plans that I want to do but wether or not I get there is down to me, I need to put the work in and I need to stop just saying these things but actually doing them! To the first step if many! Blessed be 💜

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The sneaky panic attack.

My panic attacks have become few and far between lately, I put it down to a clear routine that I work towards, daily meditation and exercise in the morning. But, after all of that, I still found myself sitting at the end of my bed Friday morning trying desperately to breath my way out of one.

I had my smear test booked and I know it’s very overdue, the results were not great last time and the voice in the back of my head keeps telling me I’ve left it too long. I keep telling myself that it’s just my depression talking but I also know there is a grain of truth to it.

I think I had worked myself up to the panic attack over thinking every situation in my head always ending with worse case scenario. Moral of the story, don’t overthink everything and go to appointments when they are initially booked, health is not something to be procrastinated.

So now I just try to stick to my routine, wait for the results and hope that everything will be ok. Blessed be 💜

Every little step is still a move forward and I’m proud of you 🥰
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Springs first BBQ.

Yesterday was a very good day. I woke up feeling a bit shit but knew I had invited over my dad for an Easter BBQ, I had already braved the shopping and the fridge and freezer was fully stocked so it was just prep and cooking to tackle.

I had a shower and envisioned all my bad mood just flowing away with the water, I wore my crystals and out on a full face of make up which made me feel pretty.

Once I got in the flow I was cool, a drink in my hand and hidden by the smoke of the BBQ making sure everyone is well fed, my dad made a comment about me being at home there which I guess I do, but to do it as a job again….. Far to stressful!

It was a great day, the drinks and conversation was flowing, the sun was shining all day which was amazing and everyone was full and happy, I gave thanks and gratitude before I went to bed as I felt blessed, I now pass some of that on to all who need it. Blessed be 💜

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Same shit different day

I tend to not write on days there isn’t much going on but I’m going to change that. Half of the mental health battle is just being a functioning human being on a day to day basis. When you have days that you can get up and ready, can leave the house and do the things you had planned they should be celebrated as a win and not palmed off as “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”

I haven’t done anything special today, I got up and ready, I’ve come to work and I will go home and feed everyone. That is my daily routine to make sure the house doesn’t fall down and to make sure everyone is happy and fed. I have a list of tasks I need to do that I have been avoiding for a while but I finally feel I have the strength to tackle them, even if some require me talking on the phone!

Even when it feels like same shit different day everyday, you need to take all the small wins you can. Blessed be 💜

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Making a change.

I feel like I have been waiting for things to fall into place before I can start what I really want to do and all that is doing is delaying the inevitable.

I want to be successful at writing but in order to do this i need to write, setting my first task as a novel is probably a bit big so I need to start small. My blog is where I put my feelings about mental health but I’m thinking of expanding it.

I have my meme page and my about me page but I’m thinking of a short story page, where I can put the things I like to write about, small snippets of the book I have planned and short stories I have written. It would be good practice to take time when I can to write about anything.

Could I sell things on my page too? Like positivity boxes filled with goodies to keep you happy or maybe tarot readings? I’m not the best as I’m still learning but have had some good readings before. I also make beautiful spell candles for all sorts of moods, love, positivity, abundance and health. I usually gift them to family and friends but I could make them to sell.

I guess the point I’m asking the universe is this the right idea? I want to be able to make money from what I love and what I love is not working 9-5 and living miles from the ocean, not having the freedom to go wherever you want or the means to be able to get a license or car to do so. I have made many changes to be the person I want to be but I feel there is still so many more to come. Blessed be. 💜

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Unpopular opinion, I hate snow.

Everyone has been buzzing around the south of England the last few days because the snow is coming. My daughter came bouncing into my room this morning, mum! look out the window, it’s snowing!!

Now while I will admit it looks very pretty all undisturbed from behind a window, I am not looking forward to being out in the cold ass snow tomorrow.

It makes travel a nightmare, it makes me cold and wet and I do not like the cold and wet, warm and wet tho….

I am hoping that it rains later today, washing all the snow away so tomorrow is just a normal work day and not a day where I have to move 100 boxes of aircraft records in the snow.

Being positivity, love and light I will enjoy the view from my window as I begin the housework, light my candles and say my affirmations to begin a day of cleansing. Blessed be 💜

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
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Morning person.

I have never been a morning person, people who know me well just let me sleep because I am the grumpiest person to wake up but I have been trying to solve that.

My new morning routine has me awake a lot earlier than normal but it means I have time now to do ten minutes of yoga to wake me up and a five minute meditation before I leave and it makes me feel so positive every morning.

I need to find a nice balance for the weekend now, I’m still sleeping into ten and have no motivation but that needs to change. I need to be out in nature more and I need to help my daughter navigate her mental health through this new lockdown. How do you help someone find a hobby that really does not want one!?

I am taking my weekday morning routine as a win, a new healthy pattern I have set for myself now I just need to make sure everyone around me is ok too. Blessed be 💜

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Novelty has worn off.

Today is the last day of my first full week back to work. I have been a bit quiet recently trying to prepare myself to go back full time, I really liked my three day work week routine.

It has been hard, a lot harder than two days of work I’m completely capable of should be. I have struggled to stay motivated and be positive, I have been trying by using my crystals and saying my affirmations although I haven’t been meditating as much as I should be and that’s a bit disappointing.

I am lucky that my workplace is somewhere I feel safe and am allowed to express myself so I’m not really understanding the struggle. I’m sure once I get back into the swing of my new routine I will be fine but until then I have oils and crystals to keep me going. Blessed be 💜

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Full moon energy.

I feel very mixed emotions and energies today, I’ve put it down to the full moon but I can’t be certain that’s all it is.

I start second guessing and overthinking. I feel so sad and angry with no valid reason why. I feel I want to socialize and isolate all at the same time. I really want to put on four layers of clothes and go walking in the rain but can’t be bothered to explain why I want to do it alone.

So many awful things have happened in my town this week too that it honestly doesn’t feel safe walking alone in the dark, especially through wooded areas! Community isn’t an option anymore for someone trying to find their way either as apparently a second lockdown is imminent.

I spent today cleaning and cleansing my crystals so I can charge them under the blue moon on Halloween, trying to clear my mind and shake this feeling but it’s proving impossible. I would give my right arm for a bath this evening but with only a wet room a shower is my only option.

I’m going to meditate for a bit and cleanse myself in the shower hoping the moon can charge me too! Blessed be 💜

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Feeling positive about moving forward.

I have been away restoring my mental health the last few weeks. It seems to be a system I need to work through every few months. Self care and reassuring myself I am on the right path. Every time I wobble I get a reminder that I am not in this alone. A sign to say I am supported.

I have been one of the very lucky ones during this pandemic only losing my job last month, but was hired again this week! Back to where I feel safe, back to where I can work and know the people around me know me, understand me and I don’t have to go back to square one exposing myself all over again.

It sounds bad but my cards have always told me not to worry so I didn’t, even when I thought it had all gone wrong I was secretly confident it would all work out.

I have been reading my cards and saying my affirmations every morning, thanking my guides and showing appreciation for all I have. I will be setting my crystal grids today and meditating on them for positive vibes and motivation, sending it out to all who need it. In dark days all it takes sometimes is a ear to listen and healthy vibrations to feel so I am trying my hardest to send them out to you all, you are amazing! Blessed be 💜

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Alone time.

I was worried when everyone went back to work that I would be lonely, that having no one with me all day was going to be bad for my mental health but I forgot how much I did love being alone.

Peace and quiet to do as I please, want to read a book with no interruptions, go ahead! Want to bake lots of goodies and feel fat? Do that too! Want a nap in the afternoon after a walk in the woods? Why not! Just me and my spirit guides chilling.

It’s nice when everyone gets home too, I miss them and want to hear all about their days, I want to make dinner and listen to all the stories. It’s going to be so different when I go back to work.

I still don’t know what’s going on with work for me, applying for lots of different jobs and trying to get back to normality even if I really don’t want too. I must remember all I have learnt about self care and managing my anxiety for when I enter society again.

Sending love and light to all who need it, requesting motivation and energy to all who can spare it. Blessed be 💜

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Coming or going? Who knows!

I have two moods at the moment and switching between the two is getting exhausting. Happy me is cool, she gets shit done and meditates, she talks to people and is positive! Moody me is draining, always bored and tired, never has any motivation to rectify this situation and expects everyone else to it all for her but without her having to communicate a thing!

I can start the day one way and end the other but trying to purposefully change them, impossible! I have to remind myself to catch my negative thoughts, I’m constantly analysing every word that flows through my brain to the point I can’t tell what’s right and what’s made up.

This is where therapy and self care come into saving me from my mental health, being my escape from my own brain. Meditation is best for this but it’s not always possible to get into the right mind set, you have to think of it as training. It’s a muscle you need to make strong to be able to use it to it’s best potential so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes a while to figure it out, I’m still learning every time.

If you are struggling then take some time out for yourself, tell yourself you need to time to recharge. Take a hot bath or read a book or article you have been wanting too. Go for a walk to somewhere you have never been before or your favourite spot, just be in nature for a while. There are so many ways that you can self care just find the ones you enjoy and take time to really enjoy them, savour them and in your times of need, revisit them.

Thank you for reading more of my ramblings, if I struggle to figure myself out I do wonder what you all must think? Today I send you all love and light, positive energy and acceptance. Whoever you are and wherever you are, love yourself! Blessed be 💜

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Not all days are good or bad, some are just meh.

All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.

Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?

I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.