Where do I fit in?

Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.


As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key.
When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.

Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason.
I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.

At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered.
My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.

Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜

Family is complicated.

I love my close family so much, the unit I have around me now is loving, supportive and honest with me. I can be myself and know that I wont be judged. We are close by and miles apart but the love and connection is unbreakable.

My family unit however has not always been this way and I have had to make some tough decisions to get here. I started this blog to get personal with you all, to tell you my deepest and darkest parts of me and feel like I wasn’t alone but even with all my therapy and all the positive feedback I have had I am worried about opening up, I’m worried about starting awkward conversations and being honest and the repercussions, because there is always repercussions.

The first time a ran away from home I was 12, I lasted until about 10pm and was only hiding up a tree within the street I lived in, didn’t have the balls to go any further and went home once I was cold, tired and hungry enough, all I had packed was some food, blanket, a few cigarettes and my toothbrush. By this time I was already smoking cigarettes and weed but didn’t progress to the harder stuff until I was 13 and ran away from home again, this time I was prepared though.

I never suffered physical abuse at home, there was a few slaps and smacks but we all gave as good as we got to be honest, it wasn’t healthy but it also wasn’t violent most of the time. The problem was the emotional abuse, being made to feel like you are never good enough, like you are there for the sole purpose of making your mum happy but you have failed and are worthless. I have three sisters but only two of them lived at home with me 90% of the time and all relationships were strained because even though we had all grown up in the same house with the same parents we had all been treated very differently which created resentments and fractured images of what family ment.

it is difficult to make a decision to cut anyone out of your life but when that person is family it makes it even harder. It doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore or have forgotten everything you have been through it means you have to be responsible for your own mental health, you have to make the difficult decisions when things are triggered. The decision to cut out my mum took a while but once I had made it I knew it was the right one, we had tried for years to get her help, counselling, psychiatrists, doctors, family counselling and even an intervention but she refuses to take any responsibility for anything she does. There is always someone else who makes her or pushes her or tricks her when the real answer is she is the most manipulative victim you will ever meet. I have had many nights sat up with her, feeling like I’m getting somewhere and she is actually being honest with me for me to disagree with one thing or try to show her the situation from a different perspective and she says I’m the devil, no one listens or cares and no one understands. Its honestly like banging your head against a brick wall.

People will say I’m unfair and she is my mum and I should always be there for her but fuck that. There is so much more to this story as I’m sure you are all aware and it will come in time but for now just understand that you have a right to protect yourself from anything that is toxic to you, from someone who directly effects your own mental health even if they are family. My decision wasn’t taken lightly, and one she had already made once before when she removed me from the family for 5 years, bare with me, keep reading and maybe as I let you in a bit more you will understand my site name..

Thanks for reading this, I feel like I have let a little bit go but also am nervous about the response. Is this really a good idea to be so bare with you all? I guess I will find out. Blessed be.