Where do I fit in?

Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.


As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key.
When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.

Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason.
I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.

At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered.
My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.

Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜

Not all days are good or bad, some are just meh.

All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.

Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?

I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.