I hate feeling stuck, like no matter what decisions I make or how much effort I put into things I will always be in the same place doing the same thing for eternity.
I don’t know how to change my life around, I don’t know how to start again or give myself some meaning. I have great ideas but it always feels like nothing fits. I feel empty.
My routine has slipped and my sleeping is shit again, I’m overthinking every situation and fighting the urge to stay in bed all day every day. I know that a routine works for me so why do I find it so hard to implement one?
It all just gets a bit overwhelming at times, the possibility of being and doing anything and then the realisation Im not capable. For now I just need to concentrate on putting one foot Infront of the other and getting through the day. Blessed be 💜
I’m exhausted, not because I haven’t slept properly just because I feel like Im being drained.
I’m exhausted of constantly battling the thoughts in my head, I’m exhausted of trying to be positive and grateful when every part of my being just wants to crawl in a dark space and hide. I’m exhausted of overthinking every decision I make so I just don’t do anything, if it doesn’t get started I can’t fuck it up.
I have kept to my routine as much as physically possible this week, I have made myself move, talk and walk yet this cloud will not go away. I can’t go to the dark place of hiding and not moving because will I ever move again?
I am asking for any positivity and energy that can be sent my way, I have my crystals and will meditate for five mins every time I feel myself fall today. Blessed be 💜
The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.
You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.
It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be 💜
I tend to not write on days there isn’t much going on but I’m going to change that. Half of the mental health battle is just being a functioning human being on a day to day basis. When you have days that you can get up and ready, can leave the house and do the things you had planned they should be celebrated as a win and not palmed off as “it’s what I’m supposed to be doing”
I haven’t done anything special today, I got up and ready, I’ve come to work and I will go home and feed everyone. That is my daily routine to make sure the house doesn’t fall down and to make sure everyone is happy and fed. I have a list of tasks I need to do that I have been avoiding for a while but I finally feel I have the strength to tackle them, even if some require me talking on the phone!
Even when it feels like same shit different day everyday, you need to take all the small wins you can. Blessed be 💜
Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.
As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key. When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.
Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason. I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.
At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered. My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.
Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜
All illnesses, mental or not, you have your good and bad days. with my anxiety and depression I am either super controlled and motivated, eager and willing to learn or lazy and anxious, scared of my own shadow with no desire to interact with anyone. The rollercoaster is unbearable at times.
Then sometimes you have what I call meh days. No motivation to move yet my brain is going 100 miles an hour, the need to express myself either through writing or drawing, creating or even cleaning can curb the urge. I don’t have the depression chatting shit in my ear, or the anxiety eating me from the inside out I just cant be bothered to human, I cant be the only one?
I think today is the day for curling up with a book, or playing games building pretty houses to keep my mind occupied but my bottom firmly on a chair at all times! Remembering to complete the steps on my vision board and keep my heart and mind open. Blessed be.