The thing with depression and anxiety is it’s very much and ebb and flow. You can have days, weeks or months of feeling in control and that you are moving forward then one day it all feels wrong.
You start overthinking everything, you start judging yourself and how everyone else sees you and without even realising your back in your bed hiding under the covers not wanting to be anywhere. I have said many times before that a routine is what works for me. It helps me feel in control and I understand what I need from myself everyday and take the time to take care of myself so why do I let it slip? Fuck knows.
It feels like it happens so quickly but in reality it takes a few days of not doing the routine to really throw you off. I have given myself today to get it out, to let myself cry and scream and release everything I feel has built up so I can go back to my routine tomorrow. Any positive energy you guys could send me today would be gratefully received. Blessed be 💜
I haven’t posted for a while, I have written a few blog posts but haven’t published them.
I was reacting to a situation I have no control over, in fact I was ranting and although it is good to vent your frustrations, publishing them might not be best.
The conclusion I have come to over the last few weeks are simple when I think about them, I have no mother anymore.
I have tried forgiving and forgetting to no avail, I have successfully managed to remove myself from her but unfortunately my dad is still stuck there meaning I hear everything that goes on. All the manipulation and heartache, all the lies and ranting and how she gets such satisfaction out of hurting people so deeply but mostly just her self entitlement. For someone who spent her life putting others down she surely has a high opinion of herself!!
It is really hard not to react to the shit that spews out if her mouth when I can feel my blood boil, when she can believe her own lies so unwavering and gets a pure joy out of bringing others down.
As soon as the divorce is done and we have got my dad away she is going to die a very lonely, bitter old woman. I used to feel bad about that, slightly guilty that she will be alone but everyday she proves to me exactly why she deserves this. I have no responsibility to that woman and I look forward to the day I can tell her to her face.
Do you ever remember sitting with your family, it could be over dinner or around the TV and thinking this is where I belong and these are my people. Well I never had that.
As a kid I always felt like I was acting, like I was playing a part I needed to play for the production of the perfect family. It was never about how we felt or made others feel it was what will they think of us and give them the right impression, don’t tell the truth you tell them what they want to hear and don’t give them the bad only the good because then we look better. Manipulation is key. When you do nice things for other people, never forget what you did because then you can use it to your advantage when you need something but if someone does something for you it’s a favour and can’t be held over you. Total mixed messages, no Talking about our feelings or worries as they aren’t valid and need to be pushed deep down inside where no one can see them, if people think your perfect then you are perfect and no one can tell you otherwise. Or the one that pissed me off the most, do as I say not as I do.
Only now being an adult and parent, having years of therapy and counseling do I see how toxic that is and I realize I was rebellious for a reason. I started running away at age 12, firstly to friends houses or to my cousin’s but without spilling the family secret. It was hard and I only ended up making myself look selfish so I took it, I would rather be selfish than fake.
At 13 I found drugs, amphetamine was always my choice but I dabbled in most things which only succeeded in getting me into more trouble. Keeping my secrets and everyone else’s secrets was too much for me to deal so I didn’t, I got as messy as I could as much as I could and everything suffered. My teenage years were some of the darkest times of my life but also taught me the most valuable lessons.
Enough wallowing for today I need some positive vibes! I am grateful for everything I have been through because it made me who I am today I like to think because of this I am fair and loyal, I am honest and reliable and hate liars. Just be you and your true people will find you, just because they are blood doesn’t mean they aren’t toxic. Blessed be 💜
Today has been a test. It has tested me more than it has in a very long time but I managed to keep my cool and hold down my reaction, to talk it through reasonably and express myself the way I wanted too.
The stress and emotional abuse our family has received from my mother, it doesn’t even sound right calling her that, from this woman who destroyed everything is getting beyond a joke. She has pushed buttons for reactions, made false accusations to make her sound like a victim and is making my poor dad’s life a living hell.
We have a while to wait for proceedings of my parents divorce so it means it won’t be the end of the instigations from her but I’m just proud I have learned not to react to them, not to say the things she wants to hear, not to even get emotional. It has taken years of therapy and CBT to get to this point.
All I can do is be there for my dad, continue supporting him and each other until this awful time is over. I will have my time where I can say my piece and it won’t effect anyone else, I can do it in a calm and effective manor. Explain to her exactly how her actions have impacted each and everyone of us and never have contact again.
Thank you for all your continued support and kind words, it means so much to me to get them. You are wonderful people and I will be continuing to work on myself and making sure I’m a good person! Blessed be.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit disheveled, still sleepy and unsure what to do with my day. My half asleep brain thought David Attenborough’s new documentary on Netflix would be good morning TV.
As much as I love watching nature, as much as I love and respect that man so much I have realised, we as humans suck. It is really hard to have one part of me that’s wants to bring us all together, to teach and inform every generation of mistakes made and problems solved. Yet another part of me hates people, I hate confrontation and uncomfortable situations, I hate expressing myself to be belittled and looked at like I’m crazy.
I don’t know what world I’m leaving to my daughter but all I can do is my part. I am a very small fish in an ocean but I’m trying! Adding this to the pressure already constantly in my head is not good but also necessary. I just don’t know what to do that can make a difference. Any ideas? Blessed be.
I have been trying today to take myself that step higher, that step further within my beliefs and spirituality. I have read a lot of articles surrounding the rewire your own brain formula. it is very similar to my therapy when you break it down in to basic terms, just don’t think them thoughts, don’t give them your energy. It all sounds so simple but it is what works. With meditation and belief, opening up your heart and your mind and just accepting who you are. understanding no one is perfect but we should always be kind, that just because you don’t agree with someone’s way of thinking, if it doesn’t affect anyone, then you have no right to judge. Maybe I’m wrong?
I don’t normally comment on hate post’s on social media, I am not the argue through the screen type normally, well to be honest I tend to shy away from conflict completely unless it is absolutely necessary but I always try to stand my ground. I watched a video earlier, an amazing young boy was doing a makeup tutorial and he was good, I mean, make up artist/ drag queen perfection! he had talent! I was in awe of him for the entirety of the video and couldn’t help but notice the top comment, it was awful The hate and judgement and bullying of this poor boy for doing what he obviously loves. It really makes my heart hurt, and that’s what I said. I was no prepared for the comments I would get!
It makes sad and worried for humanity sometimes. The hate and judgement and nasty comments from people who dont even know this boy. That’s enought internet for today. I just wanted to share this to put out some love, to give anyone who is reading this a little piece of my energy to help with your day, to share good thoughts and positive vibes as the world really needs more of that. Blessed be.