Welcome back to another insight the darkness of my soul.
The most powerful emotion that likes to eat at my insides during my days of depression is the guilt. You don’t want to do anything or be anywhere so you hide in the dark and let the guilt of you not doing what your supposed to, eat you up.
All whilst hiding in the dark still. Why is it just so hard to function? To do the things you normally do, and have done all your life?
You don’t want any company yet you feel like you want attention.
You want to sleep yet your brain won’t switch off.
You want to reach out and help yourself out of the hole but you’re still hiding in the dark.
It’s like having an annoying voice in your head arguing every thought you have in a stupid childish voice.
I need to get up and shower,
No you don’t, you deserve to smell.
I should get out of bed at least,
No one wants to see you, you smell.
Fine, how about read something…
But that might be pleasurable, no can do!
Off to the dark hole you go, here is a run down of every time you hurt someone’s feelings in the last 10 years.
I can’t sleep so repeat similar conversations for the next 24 hours.
It’s the hardest, deepest and heaviest feeling I have ever felt. And for me that’s saying a lot.
It’s hard to get yourself out of that cycle and no one else can pull you out.
Your healing and progress is all on you. It doesn’t matter how good of a support system you have or how much you know they love you you always feel like a burden. Like your dragging everyone down in the spiral with you!
Roll back in my mind the guilt.
It’s a viscous circle that makes you feel you are treading water ALL THE TIME.
Moving forward not matter how little it seems is the only way to get unstuck. Well untill the next time your brain wants you to know how shit you are, then repeat cycle!