Moving forward not backwards.

Welcome back to another insight into my crazy brain. I have told you how I feel on my down days and how I feel on my good days. I’ve spoken about the steps I’ve taken and I have only just begun on my mental health awareness and healing so I’m hoping to share this whole journey with anyone who wants to read.
There are many reasons for my mental health problems, I won’t go into all of them in detail now but eventually. Just a rough overview of the general reasons for today.
From a very young age I’ve had a difficult relationship with my mother, she also suffers from depression yet she handles it a very different way than me. At least that’s how I feel. I have tried to have a relationship with her and I have tried to support and help her along her mental health journey whilst also trying to understand my own. We have tried to get her help, lots of counseling and therapy and now Psychiatrist are involved. After her last episode we tried to have her commited but since then she has shut us all out and won’t let us know what is happening with the Dr or Psychiatrist so we have given her what she wants. Lots of space to be on her own and I have stopped all contact now, for my own mental health.
My second issue is drugs, it’s not as bad as it sounds anymore but it was a coping mechanism I learnt very young and one I have never been able to shake. I don’t take them anymore but I do crave them. There are days I just want to escape and get totally disconnected from reality and miss the days I did that. Yet I know the concequence of this behaviour and it’s distructive and addicting and I know it’s a bad path. I started running away at 13 to get high and feel nothing, to escape from my own emotions and I got myself into some very unpleasant and dark situations. I’ve seen things and done things I’m not very proud of, I’ve said things and I caused trouble for people because I just didn’t care, all that mattered was not feeling anything but i worked hard to get away from it all, to try and feel and see but sometimes it just got to much and it was easier to give in, to disconnect.
So that’s two of the main reasons I believe I suffer and feel the way I do. Everyone has their own reasons for feeling the way they do or for having the reactions to situations they can’t control my personal opinion is what matters is how you try to change, taking responsibility for our illness. We can’t control it but we can work to accept it and learn from it. We will never be cured but we can be present with ourselves and our reactions, know what’s good behaviour and what’s bad. Work on it and grow. That’s what I’m trying to do anyway.

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